Both of my boys were born in the month of August. I had manic episodes and postpartum psychosis. It was a struggle to take care of them as infants and without the help of my mother I don't think i would have been able to pull through. My mania took the form of excessive energy in the form of cleaning . My house was spotless, and at a time that I should have been exhausted from the experience of childbirth my energy knew no bounds. I was promptly medicated because I was rapidly spiraling out of control. My speech was rapid and ranged in subject from politics to religion. I became spiritually and mentally grandiose. My thought life went unchecked and I felt I had to study and learn about a variety of topics. My money was spent on endless books, reading became a all consuming activity. It is a wonder that I bonded at all with my children. I was preoccupied with so many manic activities. I skipped from project to project and wore myself thin with ceaseless housework. I finally hit the wall when medicated with Seroquel. It was like someone threw my brain against a wall. Splat, everything stopped and I entered a state of bland, pervasive depression.
Since that period of postpartum mania I have had several episodes of mild or hypo-manic states of bipolar disorder. The most recent episode was off the charts though. I spent the summer in a real funk, depressed beyond imagining. I had trouble doing the most simple of life skills. Showering was an effort, self care was something I couldn't even fathom. I finally had had it and made a conscious effort to regain some balance. I went too far. I changed meds, increased my activity to a manic pace and disregarded the advice and warnings of others. It wasn't soon after that I started to not make sense. I was manic, and psychotic in no time. I went from one polar to another. My father called the police on me and they issued a 51-50 (involuntary hold) on me due to my irritability and psychotic behavior. It seems I went ballistic when they told me I couldn't smoke in the police cruiser! I was told later that I ranted and raved on the way to the hospital and upon arrival there I was put in restraints. The majority of my first three months in the hospital are a blur. My memory of the 9 month hospitalization begins with the 2nd hospital that I was placed in and continued through the 3rd. Yep, it took 9 months to get me out of a manic storm.
So this summer my goal is to be centered, to be stable to remain even keel. I know that good things and bad will come, but I want to remain unfazed. I don't trust my brain to take the good with the bad, to stay neither depressed or manic. I crave a sense of balance and I am going to do everything in my power to achieve that state of being. The things I am going to so are pretty basic. Getting enough sleep, excercising , eating right and practicing mindfulness are all going to be part of the program. And yes beyond all else, following the doctors advice and counsel on how to approach my medication.
It amazes me that people drink and do drugs to achieve states of ecstasy. I'll settle for sanity. The true test of my summer will be to enter the fall confident that I spent the season productive, healthy and happy. Not too low and not too high. Just right. I want to enter the zone. Mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally achieving yet staying in a balanced state of mind. Will I do it? I can only give it my best shot. That could be enough!
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