Golf and me...

I used to be a professional golfer. The reasons for my "used to be" status are many, but basically, life happened. The last time I took the game seriously was when I was 35 years old, before the birth of my son Daniel. I had started at 8 years old and played junior golf, college and professional golf as well. When I was pregnant with my first son I started teaching. Golf was a major part of my life and then I just stopped.

I wish I could write about my experiences with golf without mentioning my mental illness, but I can't. I was severely depressed during periods of my career and had several manic episodes during that time. That and other factors like time, my ability to financially afford it, and apathy, all contributed to the ending of my participation in the sport.

Now my sons are into the game. Danny loves to play and Jake has a goal of improving to the point of playing some amateur tournaments. I pulled out my old instruction books and re-read them in order to teach him. We go to the range and I give him lessons. and it has piqued my interest in golf again.

Presently I have a goal of returning to golf. I am walking and lifting small weights to get back into shape and will start hitting balls after the holidays. My goal is to play with my sons this summer! It is a major motivation for me to participate in the sport I loved so much with them. I probably won't play at the same level I used to and don't have any interest in playing competitively but that won't stop me from trying to beat the boys! I just want to have fun with it again!

The thing I have missed most about golf is the atmosphere . I loved the beauty of the golf courses I played and being outside and active was a strong talisman against my bipolar disorder. Basically when I play, my mind is off myself and I concentrate on the beauty of my surroundings. It's good to focus on something completely outside of my struggles, and I miss the opportunity to do so in the sport.

I really don't know how this is going to go! It is going to take a lot of effort and practice to get back into golf, but I welcome the challenge. I just want to have fun with it and enjoy the process. Wish me luck!!

For the boys

Jake , my oldest is getting married in January.  I am so proud of Jake and the man he has become. He is smart, loving and compassionate, and will make a wonderful husband. Jake has supported me in my struggles with mental illness and is a constant source of encouragement. He is always interested in how I am doing, even when he is busy with the goings on of his young life. I am so grateful for him!

Danny, Jake and Jake's fiance' Julie!!

Life as a bipolar mother is extremely challenging. You don't want to burden your children with your "stuff", but kids are perceptive and know when something is amiss. My struggles with mental illness were quite evident. I cycled through mania and depression and parented from afar. My ex got custody of the boys after our divorce. I kept involved in their lives through visitation, phone calls and family events, but I missed a lot. There was no explaining their circumstances without a conversation about mental illness. They responded with an inordinate amount of love and compassion though, and we are very close.

Danny and Jake , I feel, are better men because of their exposure to mental illness. They are resilient in the face of challenges and have empathy for the struggles of others. They have had their struggles as well, but seem to have weathered the storm that is bipolar disorder. Who knew that such a diagnosis in a mom would be so character forming in a son?!

I would encourage those who live with a mental illness and are parents to be open and informative about their diagnosis. Children have an amazing capability to adapt if they know the truth. Chances are they have guessed already that you are struggling and information goes a long way in assuaging fears.

In short, I live on in spite of a mental illness because of my motherhood. My children are a reason to combat my depression and guard against mania. Like many others, I do things for my children's sake. It is the ultimate motivator!!!

My Manic Side...

Mania is such a scary word. The experience of it is scary too. I don't read much about that. Although I have experienced the high of mania, my manic episodes were frightening ordeals. The feeling of feeling "too good", quickly evolved into psychosis and a total loss of touch with reality.

I can describe what it feels like to be manic and psychotic. It starts with a feeling of total well being. My thoughts and verbiage come in rapid succession. My mind works at a fast clip and eventually becomes rapid speech and racing thoughts. I require little or no sleep and have no tolerance for people who are concerned for my manic behavior. At first it feels so good to feel good after a long depressive episode which usually happens before a manic one. I do too much, spend too much, engage in a million activities and experience grandiosity. In short, I am too much!

Eventually my mania gives way to psychosis. I believe I have special insight, and although I don't experience auditory or visual hallucinations, I do experience delusions and paranoia. During my last episode, I was convinced I was in danger  from the medical team at the hospital and particularly one doctor. I was terrified of him! Whenever I encountered him I shook, screamed at him and devolved into a crying jag. This always led to a time out in the isolation room and a shot of Haldol. The isolation room was a concrete space with a mattress in the middle. I was put in there till I calmed down and then administered a shot to ease my terror. I was completely gone but somewher in my mind I was cognisant of the horrific nature of the experience. It was the stuff of nightmares!


I also had the dellusion that my loved ones were in danger or dying. My mind especially focused on my Mom and I was convinced she was in peril. I spent many waking hours in a state of panic that she and others were gone, and I got little relief in my sleeping hours. I was plagued with nightmares and spent innumerable hours sitting near the nurses station seeking comfort, and in my sick mind, protection.


I think back on my last manic episode and seriously don't know how I came out on the other side. I was episodic for 9 months and was considered gravely disabled by the medical community and the state. I pulled out of my psychosis after a regimen of Invega and Abilify and the mood stabilizer Lamictal. I thank god for these medications and their healing properties.

My last hospitalization was 7 years ago and I am currently experiencing a period of wellness after many bouts of depression. I am always vigilant about my symptoms, especially hypo-mania, the precursor to full blown mania. I am terrified of being psychotic and gladly continue to take Invega and get a shot of Abilify every two months.  I will do anything to avoid another manic episode and slide into madness.

I especially want to thank my family and loved ones for staying with me during these periods of mania with psychotic features. Psychosis is scary and very misunderstood. They somehow endured, and during my episodes, were unwavering in their support and love

In conclusion, if you are experiencing bipolar mania I would encourage you to seek help.  Reach out and get help from friends, family, and the medical community. It can get better, be controlled and managed. I am living proof!

Mom and Dad and Mental Illness

My mother and father are my rocks. They have been there for me through every episode of depression and every frightening descent into mania. Mental hospitals didn't scare them away and they visited me faithfully. My parents are special people who have educated themselves about mental illness and follow through with consistent love and support. I am so lucky to have them.

My Mom Christine is a psychiatric nurse. At 76, she is retiring in January. She taught me early on in the course of my illness to accept that it was chronic and had to be managed. During a particularly nasty depressive period of my life she made me write down, "I am a manic-depressive." and had me sign it! I did so then commented, "but I don't want to be Mom!" She replied, "I don't want to get old!" The lesson that some things are inevitable and "it is what it is" stuck with me!

Don and Chris

My Mom came and stayed with me after the birth of both of my boys. I experience postpartum psychosis and she basically took over the duties of a new mother. I remember her feeding Daniel and watching Laverne and Shirley trying to get some comic relief in a dreadful situation. Her sense of humor made even the worst times livable. Mostly, I will always be grateful to her for listening to my cries for help. Mom cried with me, listened to my tortured thoughts and gently guided me to a path to wellness. She is the much loved matriarch of our family and is a precious human being!

My Dad Don is a retired business consultant and is a true problem solver and encourager. In fact encouragement is his special gift to our family, especially to me in my bipolar struggles. Since I was little he has quoted WIlliam Blake to me; "Catch the joy as it flies and leap into eternity's sunrise." It was a message of hope to a troubled mind. I can't count how many times he has spent chunks of time problem solving with me. I always knew I could go to him for advice that was filled with compassion for my mental illness. His love was and is a constant in my life. At 77 he has much wisdom and freely passes it down. What a gift.

Perhaps my parents greatest gift to me is their unrelenting faith. They modeled God's love and compassion; always. In spite of the fact they have two mentally ill children (me and my brother), they never got mad at God. Rather, they told me many times that "He knows." That phrase taught me to keep persevering knowing that He cares and suffers along with me. What a lesson! What a couple!!

For The Boys!

I have two sons Jake and Daniel. They are grown men now, Daniel is 19 and Jake is 26. I also have a mental illness. Bipolar disorder has affected my relationship with them in profound ways. So how do you mother when you are living with a mental illness?

When Jake was 8 and Danny 2, their father and I seperated, and eventually divorced. I had experienced multiple hospitalizations during the course of our marriage, and it all got to be too much. Especially after the birth of each of the boys. I had postpartum mania that evolved into psychosis. With Jake I was in the hospital the week after he was born. With Daniel the doctor treated me on an outpatient basis. The episodes were severe. I suffered from paranoia, delusions and psychosis. My mother filled the gap by staying with us and caring for both me and the babies. So the best time in my life was also the worst; a time of rejoicing in the birth of a precious child and the horror of being in the grips of a mental illness.

My ex got physical custody of the boys after our seperation. I was ill, having been hospitalized many times during Daniels first two years. I was also living in a foundation and was in no position to have them. I maintained a relationship with them through phone calls, visitation and my family's events.

It has been 18 years of continued determination to be in their lives despite a mental illness. Yet even though I was a willing participant, I missed a lot. Not being able to be with the boys has been the greatest challenge of my life.

Now that they are adults, Jake and Danny have come into my life in a big way. Daniel is in college, has a job and is involved with a christian youth organization. Jake is working at a production company and is  getting married in January. They truly have become fine young men, and I couldn't be more proud. We have been through a lot together and have come out the other side healthy and intact. I see them often and get the best phone calls from them offering their love and support.


Being a mother with bipolar disorder was and is a major challenge! The boys have witnessed my depression, watching me isolate and sink into a very dark place. They have also seen me manic, and endured the scarriness that it brings. Through it all, their love and support has been constant. It is a true miracle that we have survived and find ourselves in such a good place!

They say that people will respond if challenged to do things for their children's sake. I believe it and have lived it! There were many times that Jake and Daniel's presence in my life made me hang on despite my mental illness. I have stuck it out mostly because of their love and the promise of being involved in their lives. I am so grateful for them and consider myself extremely blessed.

In conclusion, I would say the following to any mother who suffers from a mental disorder to do the following; "Hang in there. Things get better with time. If you do your part, motherhood can be maintained and even flourish despite the presence of a mental illness. Do your part by seeking help! Reach out to the medical community, your family and friends and community resources. Contact Nami and get educated about your illness and the services they provide. Be diligent and persistent when it comes to coping despite your feelings". To quote Winston Churchill, "Never , never , never give up."!!!

My bipolar Christmas...

One Christmas, seven years ago, I spent my holiday in a psychiatric hospital. I had had a severe bipolar episode and was hospitalized to treat it. At the time I was so out of it that a lot of my Christmas that year is hard to remember. It comes back to me however in bits and pieces, and this Christmas with my brother in the hospital for his bipolar episode, the memories of that place and time are coming back to me in my waking and dreaming hours.

It's funny what a person remembers about a traumatic event. I remember being heavily medicated and trying to participate in a hospital therapy group. We were decorating holiday cookies and I recall breaking down and crying. It seemed so pathetic to me considering my circumstances. Nothing about the situation was merry and bright. I was taken out of the group because of my reaction and I had received a phone call. 

Phone calls are a big deal when you are in a mental hospital. When I got a call, it meant so much to me. Contact with the outside world and the living was one of the things that kept me from sinking even further into my illness. That Christmas my family called and after talking to my mom and dad they put my son on the phone. Danny, my youngest was crying and telling me how much he missed me. I tried to make him laugh by telling a joke but it fell flat and he began to cry. I tried to console him and failed miserably. It was heartbreaking.

If I were in a hospital for a physical illness things would have been much different. I probably would have received get well cards, and my family would have been comforted with well wishes and casseroles! It's radically different when dealing with a mental illness and psychiatric hospitals. The stigma and shame associated with mental illness is so pervasive.


That Christmas I received no cards and was surrounded by madness. My loved ones tried to cope with my absence at holiday events and dinners.  We truly suffered that Christmas and the feeling of absolute horror at my surroundings and the emptiness of being seperated from family are the things I remember the most.

This Christmas is radically different. My bipolar disorder is under control. I am medicated and well. I am surrounded by my loved ones and am fully participating in the preparations for the holidays. I will spend Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas day celebrating with cards and gifts and expressions of love and support. Since my 9 month stay in that hospital, I cherish Christmas and any day spent living and participating symptom free.

This Christmas I am praying for the joyless, those still suffering, and those who are spending the holidays in mental hospitals. It is my wish that they will receive comfort, care, and compassion. It is my hope that if you or someone you love is mentally ill, you can be encouraged to keep living in hopeful expectation of healing. So, with that in mind, may you find your holidays filled with love and support and the will to live on!

Tis the season...

This time of year is sometimes the hardest for those living with bipolar disorder. I am no exception. There have been many times where I suffered from bipolar depression during Christmas. I love Christmas so it was doubly hard to experience depression during this time of year. I also have been manic and hospitalized during Christmas. Mental illness strikes whenever it pleases, taking no account for the time of year.

Luckily I am stable this year and my medication is right. It has taken years to come up with the right combination. I take Invega, Lamictal, Aplenzin, and Effexor. All in different dosages at different times of the day. I also get a shot of Abilify every two months! It's a complicated combination but it has been effective in controlling my mood swings and keeping me out of the hospital.

Last night I went to my niece Jenna's play. The whole family went, and it was terrific. Because I am stable and not in the throes of a depression I was able to participate. That has not always been the case. I have spent many holiday family events in a bipolar fog, so dominated by my depression that it was hard to engage with the ones I love so dearly. The events themselves were an endurance test, mostly spent masking my mood and then feeling extremely guilty about my thoughts and actions afterwards.

This Christmas is so different from those trying times. There is a a lot going on! Jenna's play, Christmas preparations, a family Christmas eve dinner and the big day itself. My son Jake is also getting married in January so we are preparing for that as well. I don't think I could take being depressed this year. It would rip my heart apart to be sick for these special times. I am so grateful for wellness and am thankful that I have reached this point of stability in my recovery.

My humble place and tree!

So what has it taken to recover from a major episode and reach stability in my mental illness? Lot's of interaction with my psychiatrist not only to get my meds right but to track my moods and address them before things got out of control. I listened to those around me who have encouraged and supported my road to wellness, even when It was difficult to listen. Also, therapy has helped me deal with the guilt, shame and frustration that comes with living with a major mental illness. It has taken a lot of hard work, love and support to get to this place. I am lucky to have lived through it and survived, some are not so fortunate.

If you or a loved one is having a hard time this time of year, please reach out and get the help you need. No one suffering from a mental illness should go it alone. Please call the National Suicide hotline at (1-800- 273-8255) if you are having difficulty coping. You can also contact NAMI, an excellent organization dedicated to the needs of the mentally ill. I know I keep repeating this plea in my blogs, but it is so important to seek and receive help!

Lastly, it is my hope that those who are suffering will find comfort and healing this holiday. There is hope for recovery and mental illness can be managed. I am living proof!!