For The Boys!

I have two sons Jake and Daniel. They are grown men now, Daniel is 19 and Jake is 26. I also have a mental illness. Bipolar disorder has affected my relationship with them in profound ways. So how do you mother when you are living with a mental illness?

When Jake was 8 and Danny 2, their father and I seperated, and eventually divorced. I had experienced multiple hospitalizations during the course of our marriage, and it all got to be too much. Especially after the birth of each of the boys. I had postpartum mania that evolved into psychosis. With Jake I was in the hospital the week after he was born. With Daniel the doctor treated me on an outpatient basis. The episodes were severe. I suffered from paranoia, delusions and psychosis. My mother filled the gap by staying with us and caring for both me and the babies. So the best time in my life was also the worst; a time of rejoicing in the birth of a precious child and the horror of being in the grips of a mental illness.

My ex got physical custody of the boys after our seperation. I was ill, having been hospitalized many times during Daniels first two years. I was also living in a foundation and was in no position to have them. I maintained a relationship with them through phone calls, visitation and my family's events.

It has been 18 years of continued determination to be in their lives despite a mental illness. Yet even though I was a willing participant, I missed a lot. Not being able to be with the boys has been the greatest challenge of my life.

Now that they are adults, Jake and Danny have come into my life in a big way. Daniel is in college, has a job and is involved with a christian youth organization. Jake is working at a production company and is  getting married in January. They truly have become fine young men, and I couldn't be more proud. We have been through a lot together and have come out the other side healthy and intact. I see them often and get the best phone calls from them offering their love and support.


Being a mother with bipolar disorder was and is a major challenge! The boys have witnessed my depression, watching me isolate and sink into a very dark place. They have also seen me manic, and endured the scarriness that it brings. Through it all, their love and support has been constant. It is a true miracle that we have survived and find ourselves in such a good place!

They say that people will respond if challenged to do things for their children's sake. I believe it and have lived it! There were many times that Jake and Daniel's presence in my life made me hang on despite my mental illness. I have stuck it out mostly because of their love and the promise of being involved in their lives. I am so grateful for them and consider myself extremely blessed.

In conclusion, I would say the following to any mother who suffers from a mental disorder to do the following; "Hang in there. Things get better with time. If you do your part, motherhood can be maintained and even flourish despite the presence of a mental illness. Do your part by seeking help! Reach out to the medical community, your family and friends and community resources. Contact Nami and get educated about your illness and the services they provide. Be diligent and persistent when it comes to coping despite your feelings". To quote Winston Churchill, "Never , never , never give up."!!!