My Manic Side...

Mania is such a scary word. The experience of it is scary too. I don't read much about that. Although I have experienced the high of mania, my manic episodes were frightening ordeals. The feeling of feeling "too good", quickly evolved into psychosis and a total loss of touch with reality.

I can describe what it feels like to be manic and psychotic. It starts with a feeling of total well being. My thoughts and verbiage come in rapid succession. My mind works at a fast clip and eventually becomes rapid speech and racing thoughts. I require little or no sleep and have no tolerance for people who are concerned for my manic behavior. At first it feels so good to feel good after a long depressive episode which usually happens before a manic one. I do too much, spend too much, engage in a million activities and experience grandiosity. In short, I am too much!

Eventually my mania gives way to psychosis. I believe I have special insight, and although I don't experience auditory or visual hallucinations, I do experience delusions and paranoia. During my last episode, I was convinced I was in danger  from the medical team at the hospital and particularly one doctor. I was terrified of him! Whenever I encountered him I shook, screamed at him and devolved into a crying jag. This always led to a time out in the isolation room and a shot of Haldol. The isolation room was a concrete space with a mattress in the middle. I was put in there till I calmed down and then administered a shot to ease my terror. I was completely gone but somewher in my mind I was cognisant of the horrific nature of the experience. It was the stuff of nightmares!


I also had the dellusion that my loved ones were in danger or dying. My mind especially focused on my Mom and I was convinced she was in peril. I spent many waking hours in a state of panic that she and others were gone, and I got little relief in my sleeping hours. I was plagued with nightmares and spent innumerable hours sitting near the nurses station seeking comfort, and in my sick mind, protection.


I think back on my last manic episode and seriously don't know how I came out on the other side. I was episodic for 9 months and was considered gravely disabled by the medical community and the state. I pulled out of my psychosis after a regimen of Invega and Abilify and the mood stabilizer Lamictal. I thank god for these medications and their healing properties.

My last hospitalization was 7 years ago and I am currently experiencing a period of wellness after many bouts of depression. I am always vigilant about my symptoms, especially hypo-mania, the precursor to full blown mania. I am terrified of being psychotic and gladly continue to take Invega and get a shot of Abilify every two months.  I will do anything to avoid another manic episode and slide into madness.

I especially want to thank my family and loved ones for staying with me during these periods of mania with psychotic features. Psychosis is scary and very misunderstood. They somehow endured, and during my episodes, were unwavering in their support and love

In conclusion, if you are experiencing bipolar mania I would encourage you to seek help.  Reach out and get help from friends, family, and the medical community. It can get better, be controlled and managed. I am living proof!