My ongoing battle with Depression...

Pills don't solve everything. I have severe bipolar depression and even though I take a handful of medication every morning and every night there are some things the meds don't touch.

I have dealt with a lot of grief in the past 3 years. I grieved the loss inflicted by bipolar disorder. I dwelt on what I could and should have become. Because of the cyclical nature of the disease, I spent the majority of my years in a deep depression followed by manic episodes that required hospitalization. I believed it had stolen my career, my motherhood and chunks of time that I could never get back. And so I grieved. It was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that everything had gone terribly wrong and I was powerless to stop it.



I am learning that it can be managed now. It can be stopped. The belief that depression is too powerful of a force is being addressed and challenged. Medication has brought me to a level playing field where I can start to live again. The grief and shame associated with my illnesses impact on my ability to mother has lifted. It occured to me that I had tried my best to be a part of their lives in spite of mental illness and had largely succeeded. As they have come into my life in a big way in their adulthood, that pain has gone, and my depression has subsided.

For me, depression was and is not only a disease of the brain, but a inclination of the mind. Ever since my last episode, I suffer from catastrophic thinking. I falsely believe that a bad situation will get worse and very bad things can happen. I was traumatized by my last 9 month hospitalization and used it as proof that things can get ugly. Well they did and do. However, I am realizing that the negativity of that thought has kept me in depression for a long time. It robbed me of hope which is perhaps the greatest talisman against a downward slide.

I am entering therapy in February. I sought a psychologist who is a CBT therapist. "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" focuses on solutions and ways of coping. I am all into solutions at this point in my journey. Thankful that I have received empathy aand sympathy, I am more interested in learning a skill set to combat bipolar disorder. I need the tools to fight!

It seems to me that there is a lot of pill shaming in the mental health world. It is as if you take medication you have somehow given in to the disease. I couldn't disagree more strongly. My mental illness originates in the chemistry of my brain and radiates out to the circumstances of my life. Once stable on meds I can address what's happening in my emotional, physical and spiritual world. Meds are a starting point and the rest is hard work!

If you or a loved one is struggling with depression, I want you to know it can get better. Sometimes it just takes time. I went through a lot of medications before I found the right combination.Time also healed a lot of wounds. Just hang in there and don't give up hope for a better tomorrow. You can call NAMI's warm line (1-877-910-WARM) or call the National suicide hotline at (1-800-277-TALK). Reach out and get the help you deserve!

Where is God?

Talking about religion is tricky, especially if you are mentally ill. Religious grandiosity is a definite feature of bipolar disorder and religious themes can dominate episodes of the illness. So it is with great care that I bring up the topic of faith and God.

Faith is an important part of my life. I don't know how I could have survived this long without the beliefs I espouse. I believe God is with us when we suffer. I also believe He can be known, bringing meaning and well-being into a person's life. Just because these beliefs get distorted and exaggerated in a manic state does not make them any less true.

After a manic episode and the experience of religious grandiosity I usually return to my faith gradually and with much fear and trepidation. I don't want to talk about God and be perceived as out of touch with reality, so I keep quiet. Eventually though, I realize that there is a void in my life if I ignore spirituality and the presence of a loving God.


During my last episode, I was hospitalized for 9 long months. Faith was far away and doubt and delusions dominated my thinking. How could God possibly have anything to do with such a state? The answer I believe is that He was there . God doesn't need our awareness to be present. He is who He is and reveals Himself as He sees fit. For me, the grace of God got me through that time and continues to follow me in my recovery.

So now I write to those suffering from the ravages of mental illness. I would encourage you to keep the faith, don't let disease ruin a good thing. Try to give grace a chance to enter into your journey and humbly accept God's help.

Humbly is the key word here. It is my experience that religious grandiosity is characterized with a great deal of pride. In reality you are not a special messenger or a bearer of any new revelation. Once sanity returns you realize you are human like everyone else and you can return to a right relationship with God. As Solomon says in Proverbs, "After all, God is in heaven and you are here on the earth. So let your words be few."

It is my hope that all who live with a mental illness will experience the presence of a higher power. If you are interested in the role of faith, you can contact NAMI at nami.org and look into their faith based programs. Good luck on your journey!

My state of mind...

I never thought anything good would come of my mental illness. For a long time I only saw the destruction and chaos my bipolar disorder caused. My marriage failed, I lost custody of my children, I lost my ability to work and pursue any interests, and ultimately lost my mind. I was firmly in the grips of an illness that was too powerful for me.

So how have I come to a place of wellness? Basically I took steps to combat my symptoms and adhered to a plan to get better. First and foremost I developed a relationship with my doctor. I adhered to a complex medication regimen and hung in there until we found a combination that worked. After experiencing my worst and longest episode that included a 9 month hospitalization, I gave my brain time to heal. Healing was grounded in the foundation of medicine.

Secondly I was not ashamed to reach out for help. The belief that I was a burden was dispelled by the love and encouragement of family and friends. I made no apologies for borrowing on their strength and hope.

Therapy has helped but nothing has been as effective as doing a fearless inventory of my life and being willing to change. This was the hardest part for me. Yes I am bipolar but I also have character issues that needed changing and demanded action. The thing that needed changing the most was my state of mind. I was lost in my grief over my diagnosis and the effects it had on my sons. Letting go of that grief and moving forward is the hardest thing I have ever done. I needed to stop wallowing in my pain, acknowledge it and then let it go. It was time to get busy living!

Faith has played a critical role in my recovery. For a long time I was cautious about spirituality because bipolar disorder has a feature of religious grandiosity. I didn't talk about my faith because I didn't want to be perceived as a religious "nut". Now however, I realize that if grounded in humility, a belief in God can be strong medicine. I believe that God suffers with us, and is there even in our darkest moments. I have experienced Him restoring my sanity and leading me on a path to wellness.

Time that was lost to mental illness is now being redeemed, and my sons have become an integral part of my life. Now that they are adults they chose to be very present. We acknowledge the impact mental illness has had, but are moving on despite bipolar disorder. My grief has been replaced by relationships, and the primary source of my depression has lifted.

Depression may return, mania may occur again because bipolar disorder is a chronic illness. I realize that I have life-long illness and there may be relapses into symptoms. Well, my attitude is so be it. I am putting into place new strategies for fighting mental illness and am willing to fall back on the medical community for help. Diet, exercise, mindfulness and therapy are becoming critical parts of my daily living. My activities of daily living go beyond just taking my meds. I am not afraid of another episode, I am ready and prepared.

Although mental illness was something I was ashamed of for many years, it has now become a positive in my journey. It has taught me lessons of perseverance, patience and given me a compassion for others locked in the struggle for a meaningful life in the presence of a chronic illness.  I believe that bipolar disorder can be managed, and with an attitude of gratefulness and hope can be overcome!

Prisoner of my own mind...

My journey with mental illness has not been linear. I have had many setbacks. I do not rapid cycle, (experience shifting moods on a daily basis). I have long periods of major depression followed by intense mania. Stability is not a state I am used to! For a long time I just got  used to being in a "blue mood". Life was an effort, and felt like I was swimming through mud emotionally.

Depression has dominated my life. I feel aggitatted and my thoughts turn negative. My movement slows, my waking hours are filled with grief and remorse for things that have long passed and my sleeping hours are suffused with nightmares. My mind is preoccupied with cataclysmic outcomes, and I have trouble concentrating on what is right in front of me.

Perhaps the worst feature of my depression is the fact that I know I am depressed! Some people experience a flattening of mood, not so with me. The feeling of melancholy is intense. I feel a great loss of who I could be and should be. I know that I am missing out on life and I grieve my illness. I don't cope, I isolate and sink into downheartedness.

Presently, I am stable. For the first time in a long time I am out of my funk and happy without being manic. I don't know how long this period of wellness will last, so I am putting into place new tools for dealing with my bipolar disorder. I started a diet to lose my med weight, started walking and am seeking a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. I have been faithful in taking my meds on time in the right dose for a long time now, so that is a constant. I basically will do everything in my power to stay this way!

Living large!

I am not just bipolar. There is so much more to me! First and foremost I am a mother. I have two sons, Jake and Danny. Danny is in college and works and Jake is getting married on the 12th. Their lives have unfolded before my eyes in a special way. You see, we have not always been this good and it has taken a lot of time and effort to get to this special place. 

When Jake was 8 and Daniel 2, my ex and I seperated. We eventually divorced, the weight of mental illness was too great to bear, and our marriage collapsed. He got custody of the boys because I was sick at the time and in no position to care for them. I parented from afar. Phone calls, visitations and family events were the means of staying in their lives. I always wished, through my grief, that we would have a full relationship when they were adults and could determine who they spent their attentions on. And so, we have arrived at this place. It is wonderful, but to be honest, it is taking some getting used to. 

I have lived the majority of the last 18 years plagued by grief and the symptoms of my mental illness. One thing fed another. I was separated from my boys and living with bipolar depression. I soldiered on, but the situation took it's toll. I got used to forging on with gritted teeth, and steeling myself against the waves of grief that many times overwhelmed me. Depression was a constant intruder in my thoughts and everyday living. LIfe was a struggle and everyday a challenge.

Things have changed in a significant way in the last year though. Danny is attending college locally and has a job down the street from where I live. Jake is close as well and they both are in frequent contact with me. We are very close and the "bipolar years", have given way to a new way of living and interacting with them. I am no longer grieving losses but rather participating in their lives in a meaningful way.

Jakes wedding has been a catalyst for me to engage in life more fully. I am finally on the right combination of medication and am implementing several tools to lead me to wellness. It feels like I have come alive in a way. My bipolar depression has lifted and I am happy for the first time in a long time. Because I am on several antipsychotics and a mood stabilizer, I am not sliding into a state of mania. I am even keel and it feels terrific.

I can't wait for what will enfold in the next chapters of the boys and my life. I feel I am ready for it. I am stable and determined to do everything in my power to stay that way. 2019 will be a year of many new beginnings and the continuation of a long journey. Mental illness can be managed and overcome. I believe I can live a fulfilling life , and will continue to live on in spite of bipolar disorder!