Living large!

I am not just bipolar. There is so much more to me! First and foremost I am a mother. I have two sons, Jake and Danny. Danny is in college and works and Jake is getting married on the 12th. Their lives have unfolded before my eyes in a special way. You see, we have not always been this good and it has taken a lot of time and effort to get to this special place. 

When Jake was 8 and Daniel 2, my ex and I seperated. We eventually divorced, the weight of mental illness was too great to bear, and our marriage collapsed. He got custody of the boys because I was sick at the time and in no position to care for them. I parented from afar. Phone calls, visitations and family events were the means of staying in their lives. I always wished, through my grief, that we would have a full relationship when they were adults and could determine who they spent their attentions on. And so, we have arrived at this place. It is wonderful, but to be honest, it is taking some getting used to. 

I have lived the majority of the last 18 years plagued by grief and the symptoms of my mental illness. One thing fed another. I was separated from my boys and living with bipolar depression. I soldiered on, but the situation took it's toll. I got used to forging on with gritted teeth, and steeling myself against the waves of grief that many times overwhelmed me. Depression was a constant intruder in my thoughts and everyday living. LIfe was a struggle and everyday a challenge.

Things have changed in a significant way in the last year though. Danny is attending college locally and has a job down the street from where I live. Jake is close as well and they both are in frequent contact with me. We are very close and the "bipolar years", have given way to a new way of living and interacting with them. I am no longer grieving losses but rather participating in their lives in a meaningful way.

Jakes wedding has been a catalyst for me to engage in life more fully. I am finally on the right combination of medication and am implementing several tools to lead me to wellness. It feels like I have come alive in a way. My bipolar depression has lifted and I am happy for the first time in a long time. Because I am on several antipsychotics and a mood stabilizer, I am not sliding into a state of mania. I am even keel and it feels terrific.

I can't wait for what will enfold in the next chapters of the boys and my life. I feel I am ready for it. I am stable and determined to do everything in my power to stay that way. 2019 will be a year of many new beginnings and the continuation of a long journey. Mental illness can be managed and overcome. I believe I can live a fulfilling life , and will continue to live on in spite of bipolar disorder!