Prisoner of my own mind...

My journey with mental illness has not been linear. I have had many setbacks. I do not rapid cycle, (experience shifting moods on a daily basis). I have long periods of major depression followed by intense mania. Stability is not a state I am used to! For a long time I just got  used to being in a "blue mood". Life was an effort, and felt like I was swimming through mud emotionally.

Depression has dominated my life. I feel aggitatted and my thoughts turn negative. My movement slows, my waking hours are filled with grief and remorse for things that have long passed and my sleeping hours are suffused with nightmares. My mind is preoccupied with cataclysmic outcomes, and I have trouble concentrating on what is right in front of me.

Perhaps the worst feature of my depression is the fact that I know I am depressed! Some people experience a flattening of mood, not so with me. The feeling of melancholy is intense. I feel a great loss of who I could be and should be. I know that I am missing out on life and I grieve my illness. I don't cope, I isolate and sink into downheartedness.

Presently, I am stable. For the first time in a long time I am out of my funk and happy without being manic. I don't know how long this period of wellness will last, so I am putting into place new tools for dealing with my bipolar disorder. I started a diet to lose my med weight, started walking and am seeking a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. I have been faithful in taking my meds on time in the right dose for a long time now, so that is a constant. I basically will do everything in my power to stay this way!