I have dealt with a lot of grief in the past 3 years. I grieved the loss inflicted by bipolar disorder. I dwelt on what I could and should have become. Because of the cyclical nature of the disease, I spent the majority of my years in a deep depression followed by manic episodes that required hospitalization. I believed it had stolen my career, my motherhood and chunks of time that I could never get back. And so I grieved. It was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that everything had gone terribly wrong and I was powerless to stop it.
I am learning that it can be managed now. It can be stopped. The belief that depression is too powerful of a force is being addressed and challenged. Medication has brought me to a level playing field where I can start to live again. The grief and shame associated with my illnesses impact on my ability to mother has lifted. It occured to me that I had tried my best to be a part of their lives in spite of mental illness and had largely succeeded. As they have come into my life in a big way in their adulthood, that pain has gone, and my depression has subsided.
For me, depression was and is not only a disease of the brain, but a inclination of the mind. Ever since my last episode, I suffer from catastrophic thinking. I falsely believe that a bad situation will get worse and very bad things can happen. I was traumatized by my last 9 month hospitalization and used it as proof that things can get ugly. Well they did and do. However, I am realizing that the negativity of that thought has kept me in depression for a long time. It robbed me of hope which is perhaps the greatest talisman against a downward slide.
I am entering therapy in February. I sought a psychologist who is a CBT therapist. "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" focuses on solutions and ways of coping. I am all into solutions at this point in my journey. Thankful that I have received empathy aand sympathy, I am more interested in learning a skill set to combat bipolar disorder. I need the tools to fight!
It seems to me that there is a lot of pill shaming in the mental health world. It is as if you take medication you have somehow given in to the disease. I couldn't disagree more strongly. My mental illness originates in the chemistry of my brain and radiates out to the circumstances of my life. Once stable on meds I can address what's happening in my emotional, physical and spiritual world. Meds are a starting point and the rest is hard work!
If you or a loved one is struggling with depression, I want you to know it can get better. Sometimes it just takes time. I went through a lot of medications before I found the right combination.Time also healed a lot of wounds. Just hang in there and don't give up hope for a better tomorrow. You can call NAMI's warm line (1-877-910-WARM) or call the National suicide hotline at (1-800-277-TALK). Reach out and get the help you deserve!
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