Halloween musings...

I hate nightmares. Since starting some of my medications , I have had very vivid, sometimes horrifying dreams. Perhaps the scariest is a recurrent dream that I am homeless and can't find my way out of a dark tunnel. It's a pretty telling dream since I have been struggling to navigate the twists and turns of mental illness for some 35 years. It is no wonder that I dream of my ultimate fear, finding myself alone , sick and without a place to be.

Maybe it's because it's Halloween that I began thinking how I hate to be scared. Dreams of homelessness terrify me and I wake up ever so grateful for my apartment. It wasn't too long ago though that I didn't have a place and went through several board and cares after getting out of a 9 month hospitalization. The places were scary alright. My very first one out of the hospital was in Long Beach. It was a stereotypical hell hole that used to be a motel. It had cockroaches, cigarette burned mattresses and speakers inside our rooms that blared when medications were being passed out. Most of the residents were completely gone, hanging out all day smoking and talking to their voices. It was something out of a very bad B movie. Patients would line up for meds , recieve them and then spit them out into the bushes on their way out. The police and ambulance service were frequent visitors and late night 5150's were the norm. It took me three months to get out and move on to the next home. A living nightmare!!

I lived in several group homes before getting my current housing. I was a member of a group called Telecare and they facilitated me gaining long term residency. It has been nothing short of a miracle. I love my little place in Irvine, Ca. and am truly blessed to be here. So fortunate!!

The thing is though that many of my fellow residents who suffer from serious mental illnesses do not do so well. Yes, they are no longer homeless but they are still trying to live with a mental illness and not doing so successfully. I see a lot of alcohol abuse and drug abuse, two things that only add fuel to the fire of mental illness. Symptoms are soon to follow, and the whole cycle of hospitalization and loss of their lease begins again. Our apartment does have 2 social workers who work with our little group. It is a step in the right direction.  I would say that only wrap around services can insure that state of wellness that makes for a solid dweller. Medication management, psychiatric and psychological services, job placement, and community living are the factors that keep one housed. When in the throes of mental illness, a person is simply not capable of living independently. To expect someone to do so is unfair. You can place an individual into a unit, but unless all factors are firing to attain wellness and stability, placement is futile.

This Halloween I woke up out of a dream free, sound sleep to find myself in my cozy apartment. My new kitten woke me up and all seemed right with the world

this morning. I know gratitude is celebrated chiefly on Thanksgiving not Halloween but I am starting my holidays early. I am extremely blessed to be living in permanent housing and will not and cannot be grateful enough!

Kitty love...

One of the reasons I came to the desert this week was to pick up my adopted kitten. His name is Seve and he is a black and white. For the longest time my best friend has tried to convince me to get a cat and I finally pulled the trigger.

I have read many blogs about how good a pet is for those who have a mental illness. The responsibility of taking care of a living thing gives meaning to one's life. The care and feeding of another can lift you out of a depression. I now can see why.

Although I have only been with him for a week, we are already bonding. He likes to wake up early, eat, play and then crash again. It's totally cute to wake up to a purring kitten on my chest. I am used to waking up and just jumping out of bed. Now I can see the beauty of just lingering until I am fully awake and presented with something positive the moment I wake up! 

I live alone in Irvine. For the longest time I have kept it that way out of self preservation. I was consumed with managing symptoms and the fallout from a massive episode 8 years ago. I have finally recovered to the point where I am out of survival mode and am looking for ways to enhance my life. Getting a pet is a big step in that direction.

So Seve and I return to Orange County this morning to start our new life together. I must say that I am a bit nervous about how he will adjust. My work schedule will allow me plenty of time with him though and I am looking forward to getting to know him better. It is exciting and a welcome addition to my life. Kitty love is the best thing ever!!

55...

Today is my 55th birthday. I am in La Quinta California, on vacation, and the happiest I have been in a long time. For my birthday, my best friend, who is a tremendous cook, is making homemade lasagna and chocolate cake. Party tonight.

I guess 55 is some kind of milestone. You are officially a senior and are faced with the fact that life goes by real fast! It seems like only yesterday when I met my best friend 30 years ago and even longer since I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 21. I find myself giving myself a mental pat on the back for surviving this long and coming out on the other side of some very difficult times.

When I was 21 I had no idea how bipolar disorder was going to impact my life. The doctors explained to me that the illness was chronic and would need to be treated throughout my lifetime. I really didn't pay much attention to that. I thought I could dismiss it and like the flu, experience an episode once and get over it. How naive and shortsighted I was!

The years since my initial diagnosis have been marked with difficulty, triumph, beautiful moments and tragedy. I married, had two sons , divorced , had episodes of depression and mania and kind of just kept going. So, I find myself at 55 trying to figure out what I want the rest of my years to look like. I have arrived at a place of wellness and healing, and I am more than ready to move on.


I am grateful for my life. I have been blessed with a terrific and loving family without whose support I never would have made it this far. I also have to credit my best friend, Kathy for the last 30 or so years of encouragement. They both have been there through all my battles with depression and I still look to them for guidance as I try to navigate the waters of this disorder. I am eternally grateful for their love and understanding.

I guess my message to those who are newly diagnosed with a mental illness is that it doesn'
t have to win. It is possible to live and thrive. I look forward to doing just that!

Going forward...

I have been thinking a lot about attitude lately. In general I have a good one but every once in a while I get in a funk and my thoughts turn negative. I think when I do go south, it is fueled by a kind of grief. You see, I don't want to have a mental illness. In fact I hate it, and that is not a good thing.

Rather than being angry that I have bipolar disorder I am having to learn to accept it which is a much better way to be. My moods are stable so it's easier to come to terms with the fact it is a chronic illness. Although it will last my lifetime it is not wearing me out in the present. Shifting from depression to mania is exhausting , so I am grateful for the current reprieve of symptoms.

So now comes the hard part. Now that I am well, I have to figure out what I want my life to look like. I crave productivity because so many times my efforts are stymied by depression. So I have been asking myself, what can I do that will give me a sense of fulfillment and actually mean something?

What I have come up with is that during my time off from work I am going to get involved in volunteer work with those who are also affected by mental illness. Also, I would like to get into advocacy. There are many issues that are related to mental illness that can find solutions politically and since I have always been interested in politics I think it will be a good fit.

All in all my attitude is one of looking forward and making the most of the present. My dad always told me that attitude is a decision and one you have to make regardless of circumstances. So onward I go, deciding each day to embrace my life despite living with bipolar disorder. I'll keep you all updated on my progress!

Getting my mojo back....

I am not a creature of habit. I don't usually want to follow a routine. I am often driven by my enthusiasms and deterred  by my depressions. Like a true manic depressive, I am either on or off, good or bad, engaged or distant. Yet since gaining stability in the last 8 years, I am more apt to realize that it is the everyday disciplines that drive one forward. Consistency is what I seek and I desire a steady course.

When I was at my worst bipolar self, I was a member of a foundation dedicated to recovery concepts for the mentally ill. One of their mantras was ADLs or activities of daily living. They recognized that the simplest of tasks, (like taking a shower everyday), often fell by the wayside when someone suffers from a serious mental illness. The focus of doing daily tasks was seen as a way out of the disorganization of SMIs and would serve as a foundation for recovery. They were right in my opinion.

I am in the habit of doing ADLs now. Regardless of how I feel, I get up, get showered and show up for the day. I have found that feelings sometimes cannot be trusted and are fleeting. I base my actions on the basic belief that this too shall pass, and half the battle is just showing up.

I am doing that now in my new job. I moved into the floral department of my store. I am learning slowly how to stock, display and arrange flowers. SiNce I have limitations of how much I can work due to Social Security rules, the 20 hours I spend working are well spent in my new job. For now it is a very good thing. The job pays the bills, and affords me the opportunity to engage in a productive activity. For now it will do, but I am, in the meantime, exploring other activities that will further my recovery and help me get my mojo back!

My goal is simple, I want to engage in life in such a way that I am fully participating, physically, emotionally and spiritually in life. Physically I need to get in shape and return to my sport. I miss participating in activities that get you out of your own head. Emotionally, I am in a good place but I want to expand on my relationships and become more open to new ones. Spiritually, I am growing. I rely on a faith based approach to the ups and downs of bipolar disorder. I know there is a higher power who never falters and is a constant companion in my journey.

I have recovered to the point where I am looking to enhance my life with the simple but profound things . I am adopting a kitten this week and putting some life into my apartment. It is a big step for me to take on the responsibility of taking care of something. For a long time I believed I wasn't capable of much more than managing symptoms. Hampered by shame, I built walls to keep out the possibility of connection. Now however I have walked through the light at the end of the tunnel and am able and willing to engage . My heart and life is expanding even though my mind is sometimes a battleground. I simply won't settle for a defeated mentality. Depression has had it's way with me long enough. It's time to live and to embrace the hope of recovery which is; mental illness does not always prevail. It does not always win. I am living proof that recovery is possible!