Halloween musings...

I hate nightmares. Since starting some of my medications , I have had very vivid, sometimes horrifying dreams. Perhaps the scariest is a recurrent dream that I am homeless and can't find my way out of a dark tunnel. It's a pretty telling dream since I have been struggling to navigate the twists and turns of mental illness for some 35 years. It is no wonder that I dream of my ultimate fear, finding myself alone , sick and without a place to be.

Maybe it's because it's Halloween that I began thinking how I hate to be scared. Dreams of homelessness terrify me and I wake up ever so grateful for my apartment. It wasn't too long ago though that I didn't have a place and went through several board and cares after getting out of a 9 month hospitalization. The places were scary alright. My very first one out of the hospital was in Long Beach. It was a stereotypical hell hole that used to be a motel. It had cockroaches, cigarette burned mattresses and speakers inside our rooms that blared when medications were being passed out. Most of the residents were completely gone, hanging out all day smoking and talking to their voices. It was something out of a very bad B movie. Patients would line up for meds , recieve them and then spit them out into the bushes on their way out. The police and ambulance service were frequent visitors and late night 5150's were the norm. It took me three months to get out and move on to the next home. A living nightmare!!

I lived in several group homes before getting my current housing. I was a member of a group called Telecare and they facilitated me gaining long term residency. It has been nothing short of a miracle. I love my little place in Irvine, Ca. and am truly blessed to be here. So fortunate!!

The thing is though that many of my fellow residents who suffer from serious mental illnesses do not do so well. Yes, they are no longer homeless but they are still trying to live with a mental illness and not doing so successfully. I see a lot of alcohol abuse and drug abuse, two things that only add fuel to the fire of mental illness. Symptoms are soon to follow, and the whole cycle of hospitalization and loss of their lease begins again. Our apartment does have 2 social workers who work with our little group. It is a step in the right direction.  I would say that only wrap around services can insure that state of wellness that makes for a solid dweller. Medication management, psychiatric and psychological services, job placement, and community living are the factors that keep one housed. When in the throes of mental illness, a person is simply not capable of living independently. To expect someone to do so is unfair. You can place an individual into a unit, but unless all factors are firing to attain wellness and stability, placement is futile.

This Halloween I woke up out of a dream free, sound sleep to find myself in my cozy apartment. My new kitten woke me up and all seemed right with the world

this morning. I know gratitude is celebrated chiefly on Thanksgiving not Halloween but I am starting my holidays early. I am extremely blessed to be living in permanent housing and will not and cannot be grateful enough!