Getting my mojo back....

I am not a creature of habit. I don't usually want to follow a routine. I am often driven by my enthusiasms and deterred  by my depressions. Like a true manic depressive, I am either on or off, good or bad, engaged or distant. Yet since gaining stability in the last 8 years, I am more apt to realize that it is the everyday disciplines that drive one forward. Consistency is what I seek and I desire a steady course.

When I was at my worst bipolar self, I was a member of a foundation dedicated to recovery concepts for the mentally ill. One of their mantras was ADLs or activities of daily living. They recognized that the simplest of tasks, (like taking a shower everyday), often fell by the wayside when someone suffers from a serious mental illness. The focus of doing daily tasks was seen as a way out of the disorganization of SMIs and would serve as a foundation for recovery. They were right in my opinion.

I am in the habit of doing ADLs now. Regardless of how I feel, I get up, get showered and show up for the day. I have found that feelings sometimes cannot be trusted and are fleeting. I base my actions on the basic belief that this too shall pass, and half the battle is just showing up.

I am doing that now in my new job. I moved into the floral department of my store. I am learning slowly how to stock, display and arrange flowers. SiNce I have limitations of how much I can work due to Social Security rules, the 20 hours I spend working are well spent in my new job. For now it is a very good thing. The job pays the bills, and affords me the opportunity to engage in a productive activity. For now it will do, but I am, in the meantime, exploring other activities that will further my recovery and help me get my mojo back!

My goal is simple, I want to engage in life in such a way that I am fully participating, physically, emotionally and spiritually in life. Physically I need to get in shape and return to my sport. I miss participating in activities that get you out of your own head. Emotionally, I am in a good place but I want to expand on my relationships and become more open to new ones. Spiritually, I am growing. I rely on a faith based approach to the ups and downs of bipolar disorder. I know there is a higher power who never falters and is a constant companion in my journey.

I have recovered to the point where I am looking to enhance my life with the simple but profound things . I am adopting a kitten this week and putting some life into my apartment. It is a big step for me to take on the responsibility of taking care of something. For a long time I believed I wasn't capable of much more than managing symptoms. Hampered by shame, I built walls to keep out the possibility of connection. Now however I have walked through the light at the end of the tunnel and am able and willing to engage . My heart and life is expanding even though my mind is sometimes a battleground. I simply won't settle for a defeated mentality. Depression has had it's way with me long enough. It's time to live and to embrace the hope of recovery which is; mental illness does not always prevail. It does not always win. I am living proof that recovery is possible!