Back to the beginning...

 My battle with depression and mania started very early. I was 13 when I had my first episode. Of course we didn't know what to call it back then . We didn't know about early onset .My parents and I knew that something was very wrong. Here's what happened...

When I was 13 I went to a golf camp in Delaware called "Swings the Thing". Despite it's corny name the camp was very popular in the North East . I started out pretty even keel in the beginning of the camp, but gradually became over excited and over the top.(We call that hypomania now). I over participated, practicing well into the evening even though we started at 8 in the morning. I was hardly sleeping and nonetheless, full of energy. I remember thinking that I was talking too loud and my speech was rushed. I also remember my thoughts racing as I tried to absorb everything that was being taught.

Some may chalk all this up to youthful exuberance. I know that it was much more. My first experience with mania became more apparent when my father picked me up to take me back home to Pennsylvania.

I had been told that the next camp was in California at Pebble Beach. I made it known to my Dad that I was going despite the cross country trip and the expense! He tried to rationalize with me that it was an impossible request. Yet the more he tried to reason with me the louder and combative I became. It was so over the top that my parents didn't know what to do. Several days followed , hallmarked with bouts of extreme behavior and over the top actions. I finally calmed down, and within weeks descended into a dark depression.

Again, we as a family did not know what to do. Back in the day, there was less knowledge of mental illness and even more stigma than now. I lived through depression in my high school years and wasn't diagnosed until I was 21.

Because I experienced the devastating blows of mental illness so young, I wish schools today would include the topic of mental illness in their health curriculum. The majority of symptoms start in the late teens to early twenties. Maybe early education would curb the rising tide of despair and hopelessness found in this age group. If caught and treated early, imagine the amount of suffering that would be alleviated. It's time to educate our children and ourselves about mental illness!!

Thoughts on Robin Williams...

I am still disturbed a the death of Robin Williams. Although I have a good grasp of the elements of suicide, I still don't know enough. You would think that as a bipolar 50 year old woman I would be educated., yet I am learning so much as the media and social media react to his death.

My experience with mental illness started when I was 13 years old. They call it "early onset". Now I am 50 and look back on 37 years of dealing with bipolar disorder. Some people ask me why I haven't given up. I am sure they wonder why I haven't succumbed to suicide. There have been many times that I've said its all too much.

There are reasons I haven't committed  suicide. It's not that I am strong. There are so many times that I have given up but not "done the deed. They say that no love of anything can prevent a person from suicide. I disagree. Love of my family, my sons and friends has brought me back from the brink many times. Love is a talisman against the ravages of mental illness. It has sustained me throughout the years and intervened when all seemed lost.

I am stubborn. I will not give up the fight against my depression. I have survived the nightmare. Hospitalizations, time in board and cares, the interruptions of my life still haven't conquered me. I am lucky I have this trait. It serves me well in my struggle. I empathize however with those who lose the will to fight anymore. People don't realize how much pain depression causes . I come out of an episode battered and bruised, gasping for life.

I can't imagine what Robin Williams was thinking and feeling at the time of his death. Perhaps he just couldn't take the pain anymore. It's not weakness on his part that he carried through . In the throws of depression you just lose touch with reality. I get overwhelmed with sadness, worthlessness and hopelessness. If he was feeling all these things , I empathize with him. There is an element here of "but for the grace of God go I". 

I am really shook up over the suicide of Robin Williams. With all he had, the money,  the fame,  the talent, he still couldn't beat the specter of depression. It makes me wonder if he couldn't ward off the demons how can I?

Depression for me has been a lifelong problem. My first bout was when I was 15. I'd skip school to hide out in the library! I couldn't take the demands of high school. Everything about it made me anxious. The social interaction was excruciating. I am generally a quiet person but when depressed, it's even worse. I missed out on most of my high school years suffering from a deep depression.

Back in the day, we (as a family) , knew very little about mental illness. I wasn't treated for my bipolar disorder until I was 21. It continued throughout my 20s and 30s. It got worse and worse until I had my biggest episode in 2010. I spent 9 months in the hospital, a  victim of  Manic Depression.

As for the here and now ,I am trying to recover from that episode. It has been a painstaking effort. I am not recovering at the speed I would like, but do see improvement. The most recent bout of depression was the worst I've had since leaving the hospital. Again everything changed. I lost my interest in life, my appetite and this time my will to live. I don't know what has kept me from suicide. Support from family and friends helped and my stubbornness too.  I just can't seem to give in to the ravages of the illness. I know however that "by the grace of God go I".

Robin Williams didn't commit suicide because he was weak. Most people underestimate the amount of pain one suffers when mentally ill. Maybe he just couldn't stand the pain any longer. I sympathize It is incredibly sad when someone succumbs to the powerful symptoms of mental illness. I need to fight on because of those who love me and for myself. I am just not willing to give up yet.

Moving on up...

If someone asked me today how I am feeling, I wouldn't answer with the pat answer of "Fine". I am better than fine. I am stable. I feel happy and even keel.

I don't know all the reasons there has been a shift in my mood. Perhaps  it was my med change. Adding Lexipro to my cocktail, seems to have facilitated a shift in my mood. However I would also
attribute improvement due to some conclusions I've come to about my bipolar disorder.

First I have been struggling to answer the question "Why"? I spent an undue amount of time and energy looking for the answer as to why I had such a violent episode. Finally a friend brought some clarity to the issue. She reminded me that there is no explanation to some of the events of our lives. Why stress about something you will never resolve. Until they find a cure, I have to resolve to fight on, let go of the past and move on.

Secondly I have to resolve to have resolve. I don't know all the elements of how to survive an episode , but I do know you have to have a fighting spirit! If you value your life you must not let the illness define you or determine every move you make in life. Fighting the good fight for the sake of your very life is well worth the effort.

It's good to feel happy. Yet it  I wish it were not such a once in a while event. I still have to fight for stability. I need to chill out and let the healing process continue. Most of all I need to live on!!

Ok. So I am feeling better and I am experiencing the emergence of a lot of  feelings. When I am depressed I am numb and I don't feel much of anything. So, when the depression breaks,  I find myself experiencing a range of emotions.

Gratitude is the first emotion I feel. I am so thankful that I have survived another bout of depression! I can participate in life again. The black cloud has lifted and I can move on . Life isn't so scary and I feel a certain confidence that if I can survive an episode I can handle anything.

Fear is the other feeling I have. In the past, manic episodes have always followed a prolonged depression. I don't want to experience that again, and am terrified of another hospitalization. I have to trust that the Invega I take is going to work. No more mania with this med on board! I also have to trust that the work I have done in therapy will prevent another episode. I have worked hard on emotional issues, trying to find a balance between happy and sad.

I am trying to have confidence that this time will be different. However , if it is not I still have faith in my ability to handle this illness. I am not out of fight yet.

How do you feel when you are feeling better??

I am seeing my psychiatrist today. She has been with me since my hospitalization. She has seen me at my worst, and developed a treatment plan to get me to my best. We have come a long way together since my episode 3 years ago, and I am grateful for her intervention.

Among the mentally ill there is a lot of resentment towards psychiatrists.  Some hate the intrusion on their lives. They think they know what's best for their treatment plan, not the doctor. Many are angry at the changes in their meds to get to the right "cocktail". Sometimes I feel the same way. There are so many side affects from the medications. In combination there are many more. Med changes scare me because you never know what your going to get!

Having said all that, I still try to place my confidence in the doctors hands. They are professionals after all, and have treated many patients as sick as I was. I am still fighting the good fight with meds . I try to stay open to changes and weather through the side effects. This is the best I can do.


How about you? Do you welcome a psychiatrists intervention? What are your med fears? Love to hear from you!

Breakfast....

Today was a big day. It started out with breakfast with my mom and sister. For 2 hours we sat in a Newport beach cafe' and talked and talked.  For the first time in a long time I was able to participate without escaping into my own head. What's more, I didn't want to escape. I enjoyed the moment! What a relief it e was to be engaged. When I "run Silent" it is excruciating.  When depressed I get quiet, very quiet! Not only is it evident to those around me, but it is also something I notice myself .  I notice how uncomfortable I am with not saying anything. I notice how distant and removed I am from the conversation. I am in another place, locked in my own brain.

 No doubt this accomplishment is due in part to a med change. I am feeling so much better and am seeing improvement week to week. However I did try a new trick for breakfast this morning. What I did was beforehand, imagined the conversations that might take place and practice my responses to them. I also thought about what I might say. What would I "Bring to the table. Not only did it work it gave me the confidence to trust my ability to engage, even if it did take a little work.

Having bipolar illness IS hard work. I truly believe it is worth the effort though. Living is hard work for all of us, regardless of a mental illness or not. Living is especially sweet when you do have a mental illness and manage it with a few tricks up your sleeve. Today was a good day. Thank God, here's to more!