I am really shook up over the suicide of Robin Williams. With all he had, the money,  the fame,  the talent, he still couldn't beat the specter of depression. It makes me wonder if he couldn't ward off the demons how can I?

Depression for me has been a lifelong problem. My first bout was when I was 15. I'd skip school to hide out in the library! I couldn't take the demands of high school. Everything about it made me anxious. The social interaction was excruciating. I am generally a quiet person but when depressed, it's even worse. I missed out on most of my high school years suffering from a deep depression.

Back in the day, we (as a family) , knew very little about mental illness. I wasn't treated for my bipolar disorder until I was 21. It continued throughout my 20s and 30s. It got worse and worse until I had my biggest episode in 2010. I spent 9 months in the hospital, a  victim of  Manic Depression.

As for the here and now ,I am trying to recover from that episode. It has been a painstaking effort. I am not recovering at the speed I would like, but do see improvement. The most recent bout of depression was the worst I've had since leaving the hospital. Again everything changed. I lost my interest in life, my appetite and this time my will to live. I don't know what has kept me from suicide. Support from family and friends helped and my stubbornness too.  I just can't seem to give in to the ravages of the illness. I know however that "by the grace of God go I".

Robin Williams didn't commit suicide because he was weak. Most people underestimate the amount of pain one suffers when mentally ill. Maybe he just couldn't stand the pain any longer. I sympathize It is incredibly sad when someone succumbs to the powerful symptoms of mental illness. I need to fight on because of those who love me and for myself. I am just not willing to give up yet.