Thoughts on Robin Williams...

I am still disturbed a the death of Robin Williams. Although I have a good grasp of the elements of suicide, I still don't know enough. You would think that as a bipolar 50 year old woman I would be educated., yet I am learning so much as the media and social media react to his death.

My experience with mental illness started when I was 13 years old. They call it "early onset". Now I am 50 and look back on 37 years of dealing with bipolar disorder. Some people ask me why I haven't given up. I am sure they wonder why I haven't succumbed to suicide. There have been many times that I've said its all too much.

There are reasons I haven't committed  suicide. It's not that I am strong. There are so many times that I have given up but not "done the deed. They say that no love of anything can prevent a person from suicide. I disagree. Love of my family, my sons and friends has brought me back from the brink many times. Love is a talisman against the ravages of mental illness. It has sustained me throughout the years and intervened when all seemed lost.

I am stubborn. I will not give up the fight against my depression. I have survived the nightmare. Hospitalizations, time in board and cares, the interruptions of my life still haven't conquered me. I am lucky I have this trait. It serves me well in my struggle. I empathize however with those who lose the will to fight anymore. People don't realize how much pain depression causes . I come out of an episode battered and bruised, gasping for life.

I can't imagine what Robin Williams was thinking and feeling at the time of his death. Perhaps he just couldn't take the pain anymore. It's not weakness on his part that he carried through . In the throws of depression you just lose touch with reality. I get overwhelmed with sadness, worthlessness and hopelessness. If he was feeling all these things , I empathize with him. There is an element here of "but for the grace of God go I".