Walking the fine line....

Balance. It's hard for me as a bipolar person to experience balance. I experience things mostly on the extremes on the spectrum of life. On the one end I am depressed and things are muted, in a shade of grey. During a depression I am overly contemplative, given to sorrow and catastrophic thinking. On the other side, I am manic. The world is vivid, my decisions and actions come rapid fire and I am euphoric; my thinking is grandiose. Mania is addicting, it feels wonderful but in my case escalates quickly into psychosis. My equilibrium is totally thrown off as I bounce from one mood to another. Moderation, self-control, steadiness and stability have not been hallmarks of my journey!

Stability had been elusive in my bipolar experience until the last 2 or 3 years. It has been 8 years since my last hospitalization and I have been steady in my progress since. My doctor in the hospital spent a lot of time with me and prescribed Invega to allieviate the symptoms of mania. I am on Abilify also and receive a shot every two months. Because my struggle is predominantly with depression, I am currently on Aplenzin. I have read and heard that antidepressants can throw you into mania but that has not been the case with me. I would say that I have finally achieved the beginnings of stability.

Balance and stability are foreign to me. Depression is, in a weird way comfortable. I am a ruminator and a contemplative person by nature, so when depression hits it's not that foreign. I read a lot, overthink and slip into my old standby, worrying. I isolate and view life from afar but engage with loved ones just enough to worry about them. My thinking is dominated by concerns for the future and in the meantime my present is lived in a fog of anxiety and regret. Mania however is very uncomfortable. I get aggitated and am easily irritated. My speech is rapid, my thoughts race. My mind is in constant "go mode", and i go through endless to do lists. Grandiosity is the next to follow and finally sleep goes out the window! I spin into psychosis eventually and then I am quite literally "gone".

For me, reaching a point of stability was a huge effort. I didn't know how to operate without a dominating depression and couldn't function within the manic state. There is the cliche that you get a lot done when manic, but the truth is most of it is irrelevant activity that is not focused or useful. It is just busywork, undirected and unproductive. Depression is a life killer, so not a lot gets done. Time slips away with goals unrealized and personal growth thwarted. Both states negatively impact the progression of your life. I have learned that stability is the only state in which you can approach and maintain a healthy life.

A huge part my recovery and quest for balance has been my faith. Today is Easter, a very important day in my belief system. It is a day of celebration of the hope of eternal life and resurrection. I base my life upon these principles and the tenants of Christianity and they have saved my life. I believe that I do not suffer alone, that there is hope for recovery and a promise of a meaningful life here and into eternity. It is hope that has returned balance to my life and a faith in the tender mercies of God that has restored my sanity. I am grateful and working on being humble and kind because of the blessings I have received. Yes, it has been a difficult and non-linear road to this point but I am alive and now well.

I acknowledge that I still have work to do to achieve balance and then success. I am hopeful though that i will do what is necessary to achieve it. Perhaps the greatest asset I possess is the presence of people in my support system who are willing and courageous enough to tell me where I need to improve. I take their advice and act on it because it makes sense and comes from a place of caring. So, with their help and a solid hope, I move forward on the tightrope of manic-depression knowing that I don't walk alone. Step by step I am moving forward in a positive direction. Happy Easter!

Truth...the key to my bipolar puzzle.

Telling the truth takes courage and hearing the truth often hurts! I have a very courageous friend who tells me the truth even when it does hurt. I appreciate her because I know she comes from a place of caring, but also she wants me to become my best self. Still, I kind of have a delayed reaction when confronted. I hear what she is saying and it takes me a couple of days to digest it and then a couple more to act on the advice. My reactions have nothing to do with being bipolar it is just how I am wired.

I am hard wired to contemplate. I hear the truth of a matter and sit with it for awhile. If it hits the mark I usually will act on it. I don't react well in the moment though. I often take things quietly and usually this is a strength, but sometimes it is not to my advantage. I am learning to trust my gut more and am trying to respond to situations when they happen. I think confidence has a lot to do with this. Bipolar disorder really affected my self concept for a long time now, and my confidence is still low. But I am getting better and as I encounter more situations while stable, and react well, the better I feel about myself.

The harshest truth about being by bipolar is that it will affect your judgment. I don't make good decisions when manic for obvious reasons. When I am manic I quickly escalate to psychosis then all reason leaves the building. When I am depressed my judgement is clouded. I am living in a fog and it often takes others to point out the things I am missing. I often have made decisions from a fatalistic point of view when depressed and don't see the whole picture. So, in a big way I rely on those who support me to point out realities that I am just not seeing when I am in a funk.

Now that I am stable it is becoming evident to me that I need to work on some truths in my life. I have been divorced for 15 years now and have largely been on my own. So my habits and quirkiness are not recognized or modified by a significant other. This was pointed out to me recently and I thought about it quite a bit. Bipolar disorder has been so dominant in the last 20 years that I have isolated for long periods of time and therefore have not been social. I have gone missing from the game for long stretches of time. This has robbed me of the opportunities to grow from experiences with another. Iron sharpens iron, and I am starting to desire that dynamic in my life.

Truth be told, bipolar disorder has given me certain gifts. It has caused me to be more reliant on the goodness and insight of others. Because of this I love and appreciate the people in my life all the more! It has also taught me humility and gratitude. When I was first diagnosed I was only 21 and felt invincible, entitled and a bit proud. Having a mental illness makes you realize how fragile the mind and life are, how interconnected we all are and how much we need to approach life from a place of humbleness and gentleness. I am so grateful for even the small blessings of life after having survived 33 years of the ups and downs of a mental illness. My episodes have devastated me and required me to summon up the courage to rebuild while requiring me to take a hard look at myself. This has taught me resilience and a hunger for the truth. I am grateful for the support of loved ones who have so graciously assisted me in getting my life back!


So, as much as it hurts to admit it, the truth is bipolar disorder really has impacted my relationships, self concept and thrown a wrench in my progress as a person. This is why I crave stability and the truth. It is my belief that is only when I am stable do I have the ability to hear the truth, assess it and use it to move forward. The longer the period of stability the more progress I make. Isn't progress the goal? Ultimately  I want to become a better person, learn from my mistakes and grow despite being bipolar!

Some thoughts on getting things done!

I get very irritable when I can't solve a problem . If something is broke I want it fixed and if I have a question I want it answered. Bipolar disorder makes it difficult to achieve these things.

Because of the way I feel when I am depressed, I don't get much done. There is no moving forward on projects or goals and time is waisted. When I finally come to, I am playing catch up. Then I really want things handled and quickly. It's a vicious cycle with mania playing into the mix. I get a lot accomplished when I am manic but I also engage in activity that is just busyness with no clear direction. It is when I am stable that I can direct my energies to solving problems, fixing what is broken and answering the questions that swirl n my head when I am symptomatic.

One of my biggest questions is can a person lead a productive life amidst the interruptions of bipolar disorder. I now believe the answer is yes and the key is long periods of stability. When my mind is clear I can use logic to solve problems instead of running on depressed or manic emotions. Clarity for a long time means more problems solved!

When the chalkboard of my mind is clear I can then plot my course. I like making lists and setting goals. It gives me a sense of security to know I can control some things in my life, so I write them down and work on them. It feels great to put a checkmark next to a goal! I write out my problems, see what needs fixing and jot down my questions. It is a lot like taking inventory. I access where I am in several categories , emotional, physical, spiritual, relational and vocational. I figure out where I am and where I want to go in each area. At the end of a good period of time, I evaluate what else needs to be done. It's really how I have achieved a level of wellness that allows me to fully participate in life. I hope if you are reading this and are struggling to recover from a mental illness you will try my method. I hope it helps someone!

The elephant in the room...

It's time to address my number one health issue that is somewhat related to my mental illness. I smoke. Because I have suffered from bipolar disorder, it has been a secondary issue for a long time, but now that my mental illness is in remission, it is in the forefront and time to take a hard look at my worst habit.

One of the hallmark symptoms of my disorder is agitated depression. When I feel depressed it is as if I am surrounded by dark waters. Like swimming in mud, everything is slowed down, and I get frustrated and overwrought. My state of agitation is profound and smoking , for that 5 minutes it takes to smoke a cigarette, eases the distress. It is a terrible solution to the problem and a very temporary fix.


Being bipolar has nothing to do with the fact that I am by nature a ruminator, and a smoking one at that. I light up and think about all the worries on my mind and just churn. I have a tendency to drift off, to stare into space and smoke away. It is so destructive and the guilt of that eliminates much of the pleasure . But being bipolar fuels the addiction. I simply get overwhelmed by the day in and out challenges of living with a mental illness and I seek relief in my addiction. Bad news.

I haven't written about my smoking addiction before. I guess I am ashamed. The addiction is costing me money that is hard earned, and will eventually cost me my life if I don't wise up. My best  friend chastised me last night about it and it really hit home. My family is so upset that I smoke and my kids are especially worried. It is insane to continue. But isn't addiction insane? I will be working the twelve steps which address the need to be restored back to sanity in regards to smoking cessation.

I am returning form my vacation tomorrow and have decided to quit. I am no longer depressed so I don't need the relief, only the addiction remains. I am going to enter a smoking cessation program upon my return and will be working  on it with my therapist. We are going to track when the urge to smoke is the strongest, try to replace it with healthy activities and examine the feelings surrounding my need to smoke. It will be one of the biggest challenges I have faced and I hope I am up to it. I do know for a fact that I need help and I
am going to get it.

So back to Orange County I go, looking forward to a smoke free future. It is high time that I quit and maybe I am writing this to solidify my commitment. Making it public and acknowledging the problem will make me more accountable and I am all for that!

Checking in from La Quinta!

There is something about the Southern California desert town of La Quinta that does wonders for me. I come here on vacations to my best friend's house, Casa Schowe. It is so beautiful here. The contrast between the arid desert and the vibrant bougainvillea reminds me that life can happen even in the harshest environments. I am here when that is happening to me. Although I live with a mental illness, it has become manageable and serves only as a backdrop for my life; I want life to happen regardless.


It has been a long road to get to this point where I can think about my next move. For so long I was in survival mode. Managing my symptoms was a herculean task and everyday life was a struggle. I tend to deal with depression much more so than mania so everything was an effort. Simple tasks turned into big deals, like swimming in mud. Now however, I am not depressed. Some of my life circumstances have not changed, but that's okay. I am at a place where everything is stable and I can move on to the next level of wellness. I think it's important to put bipolar disorder in its

place, and not give it so much power.

There is so much to be grateful for right now. Being on vacation let's me take a step back and consider how many blessings I am returning home to. My sons are flourishing. Danny is in college and working hard. Jake is newly married and happy. They are supportive of my journey and often check in. My family is super supportive as well and have seen me through to this point. My friends have waited for me till I came out on the other side of my depressions. I am truly grateful to all those who support me!

So I go back to Orange County recharged and ready to take on some challenges. I will be continuing therapy and start to address what my next steps will be. Maximum wellness is the goal!

The Dark Side.

I gotta admit, I love Yoda. The venerable Star Wars character had a lot of cool quotes and some of the best were about anger. While training Luke on the ways of the Force he said, "Beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression, the dark side of the force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight." Well,Yoda got this one right! Anger, especially bipolar anger is a very destructive emotion, one that I have experienced and have had to come to terms with.

Anger is a very human emotion. Everyone gets angry, it's what you do with your anger that counts. In  my life I haven't always dealt with it properly. Repressed anger leads to depression, so I've read and have been told. Oh so true. When I get angry I get afraid of the intensity of the emotion and the feelings and circumstances behind it and proceed to stuff it! Anger, however doesn't play by the rules and usually comes out in a myriad of ways. With me, I crumble under its weight and get depressed.

The thing I have been the most angry about is my mental health diagnosis. I don't want to be bipolar. Given my druthers I wouldn't talk about it or deal with it at all. Mental illness is messy, tricky and extremely frustrating and quite frankly it pisses me off. I like solving problems and bipolar disorder just doesn't lend itself to easy solutions. I want it to be cured. I have been told that my mental illness is chronic and that rankles me. If you are sick you should be able to get well or at least have a fighting shot at getting healthy again! So there you have it, I have been diagnosed and have been dealing with an illness that is lifelong and desultory, and I am not happy about it at all.

I guess in some ways I am like a little kid who kicks and screams when they don't get their way. I fight mental illness and resent its presence in my life. I find manic-depression to be tedious and disruptive. I want an even flow to my life and that has just not happened. But, I am learning "the ways of the force"! Therapy is helping me cope with all these angry, frustrated feelings. I am learning that no one has an easy path, we all struggle and no journey is linear. I am learning to validate my belief that my mental illness can be managed and the darker aspects can be brought under control. I am learning to channel my anger into a motivation for better things in my life.


Frankly, I find that most of the posts and blogs about mental illness are upsetting and leave me angry. Many of the writers have resigned themselves to a life of misery and seem to be bedeviled by their symptoms. They leave me with the impression that they are victims of a force too powerful to fight. They chalk a lot of their emotions up to being bipolar when in fact they are simply misguided. The fact is bipolar disorder can be managed, dealt with , and put in its proper place. It does not have to be central in your life. I am not my mental illness.

Yoda would probably have a lot to say to me after reading this rant! I would however take his advice to, "Do or do not, there is no try!" If you are struggling with mental health issues I would encourage you to reach out and do some things. Reach out for help from a health provider. Garner the help of a family member, friend or whomever to get you the help you need, or call one of the many help lines dedicated to hearing you out. The NAMI Warm-line ( 1-877-910-WARM) and the National Suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255) are excellent resources  if you need to talk things out. If you are angry about your mental illness that's okay. I am too. Let's do something about it though and live to fight another day!