The elephant in the room...

It's time to address my number one health issue that is somewhat related to my mental illness. I smoke. Because I have suffered from bipolar disorder, it has been a secondary issue for a long time, but now that my mental illness is in remission, it is in the forefront and time to take a hard look at my worst habit.

One of the hallmark symptoms of my disorder is agitated depression. When I feel depressed it is as if I am surrounded by dark waters. Like swimming in mud, everything is slowed down, and I get frustrated and overwrought. My state of agitation is profound and smoking , for that 5 minutes it takes to smoke a cigarette, eases the distress. It is a terrible solution to the problem and a very temporary fix.


Being bipolar has nothing to do with the fact that I am by nature a ruminator, and a smoking one at that. I light up and think about all the worries on my mind and just churn. I have a tendency to drift off, to stare into space and smoke away. It is so destructive and the guilt of that eliminates much of the pleasure . But being bipolar fuels the addiction. I simply get overwhelmed by the day in and out challenges of living with a mental illness and I seek relief in my addiction. Bad news.

I haven't written about my smoking addiction before. I guess I am ashamed. The addiction is costing me money that is hard earned, and will eventually cost me my life if I don't wise up. My best  friend chastised me last night about it and it really hit home. My family is so upset that I smoke and my kids are especially worried. It is insane to continue. But isn't addiction insane? I will be working the twelve steps which address the need to be restored back to sanity in regards to smoking cessation.

I am returning form my vacation tomorrow and have decided to quit. I am no longer depressed so I don't need the relief, only the addiction remains. I am going to enter a smoking cessation program upon my return and will be working  on it with my therapist. We are going to track when the urge to smoke is the strongest, try to replace it with healthy activities and examine the feelings surrounding my need to smoke. It will be one of the biggest challenges I have faced and I hope I am up to it. I do know for a fact that I need help and I
am going to get it.

So back to Orange County I go, looking forward to a smoke free future. It is high time that I quit and maybe I am writing this to solidify my commitment. Making it public and acknowledging the problem will make me more accountable and I am all for that!