The Dark Side.

I gotta admit, I love Yoda. The venerable Star Wars character had a lot of cool quotes and some of the best were about anger. While training Luke on the ways of the Force he said, "Beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression, the dark side of the force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight." Well,Yoda got this one right! Anger, especially bipolar anger is a very destructive emotion, one that I have experienced and have had to come to terms with.

Anger is a very human emotion. Everyone gets angry, it's what you do with your anger that counts. In  my life I haven't always dealt with it properly. Repressed anger leads to depression, so I've read and have been told. Oh so true. When I get angry I get afraid of the intensity of the emotion and the feelings and circumstances behind it and proceed to stuff it! Anger, however doesn't play by the rules and usually comes out in a myriad of ways. With me, I crumble under its weight and get depressed.

The thing I have been the most angry about is my mental health diagnosis. I don't want to be bipolar. Given my druthers I wouldn't talk about it or deal with it at all. Mental illness is messy, tricky and extremely frustrating and quite frankly it pisses me off. I like solving problems and bipolar disorder just doesn't lend itself to easy solutions. I want it to be cured. I have been told that my mental illness is chronic and that rankles me. If you are sick you should be able to get well or at least have a fighting shot at getting healthy again! So there you have it, I have been diagnosed and have been dealing with an illness that is lifelong and desultory, and I am not happy about it at all.

I guess in some ways I am like a little kid who kicks and screams when they don't get their way. I fight mental illness and resent its presence in my life. I find manic-depression to be tedious and disruptive. I want an even flow to my life and that has just not happened. But, I am learning "the ways of the force"! Therapy is helping me cope with all these angry, frustrated feelings. I am learning that no one has an easy path, we all struggle and no journey is linear. I am learning to validate my belief that my mental illness can be managed and the darker aspects can be brought under control. I am learning to channel my anger into a motivation for better things in my life.


Frankly, I find that most of the posts and blogs about mental illness are upsetting and leave me angry. Many of the writers have resigned themselves to a life of misery and seem to be bedeviled by their symptoms. They leave me with the impression that they are victims of a force too powerful to fight. They chalk a lot of their emotions up to being bipolar when in fact they are simply misguided. The fact is bipolar disorder can be managed, dealt with , and put in its proper place. It does not have to be central in your life. I am not my mental illness.

Yoda would probably have a lot to say to me after reading this rant! I would however take his advice to, "Do or do not, there is no try!" If you are struggling with mental health issues I would encourage you to reach out and do some things. Reach out for help from a health provider. Garner the help of a family member, friend or whomever to get you the help you need, or call one of the many help lines dedicated to hearing you out. The NAMI Warm-line ( 1-877-910-WARM) and the National Suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255) are excellent resources  if you need to talk things out. If you are angry about your mental illness that's okay. I am too. Let's do something about it though and live to fight another day!