Truth...the key to my bipolar puzzle.

Telling the truth takes courage and hearing the truth often hurts! I have a very courageous friend who tells me the truth even when it does hurt. I appreciate her because I know she comes from a place of caring, but also she wants me to become my best self. Still, I kind of have a delayed reaction when confronted. I hear what she is saying and it takes me a couple of days to digest it and then a couple more to act on the advice. My reactions have nothing to do with being bipolar it is just how I am wired.

I am hard wired to contemplate. I hear the truth of a matter and sit with it for awhile. If it hits the mark I usually will act on it. I don't react well in the moment though. I often take things quietly and usually this is a strength, but sometimes it is not to my advantage. I am learning to trust my gut more and am trying to respond to situations when they happen. I think confidence has a lot to do with this. Bipolar disorder really affected my self concept for a long time now, and my confidence is still low. But I am getting better and as I encounter more situations while stable, and react well, the better I feel about myself.

The harshest truth about being by bipolar is that it will affect your judgment. I don't make good decisions when manic for obvious reasons. When I am manic I quickly escalate to psychosis then all reason leaves the building. When I am depressed my judgement is clouded. I am living in a fog and it often takes others to point out the things I am missing. I often have made decisions from a fatalistic point of view when depressed and don't see the whole picture. So, in a big way I rely on those who support me to point out realities that I am just not seeing when I am in a funk.

Now that I am stable it is becoming evident to me that I need to work on some truths in my life. I have been divorced for 15 years now and have largely been on my own. So my habits and quirkiness are not recognized or modified by a significant other. This was pointed out to me recently and I thought about it quite a bit. Bipolar disorder has been so dominant in the last 20 years that I have isolated for long periods of time and therefore have not been social. I have gone missing from the game for long stretches of time. This has robbed me of the opportunities to grow from experiences with another. Iron sharpens iron, and I am starting to desire that dynamic in my life.

Truth be told, bipolar disorder has given me certain gifts. It has caused me to be more reliant on the goodness and insight of others. Because of this I love and appreciate the people in my life all the more! It has also taught me humility and gratitude. When I was first diagnosed I was only 21 and felt invincible, entitled and a bit proud. Having a mental illness makes you realize how fragile the mind and life are, how interconnected we all are and how much we need to approach life from a place of humbleness and gentleness. I am so grateful for even the small blessings of life after having survived 33 years of the ups and downs of a mental illness. My episodes have devastated me and required me to summon up the courage to rebuild while requiring me to take a hard look at myself. This has taught me resilience and a hunger for the truth. I am grateful for the support of loved ones who have so graciously assisted me in getting my life back!


So, as much as it hurts to admit it, the truth is bipolar disorder really has impacted my relationships, self concept and thrown a wrench in my progress as a person. This is why I crave stability and the truth. It is my belief that is only when I am stable do I have the ability to hear the truth, assess it and use it to move forward. The longer the period of stability the more progress I make. Isn't progress the goal? Ultimately  I want to become a better person, learn from my mistakes and grow despite being bipolar!