Meds...

I recently went on a new medicine called Lexipro. I am adding it to my already numerous cocktail of meds. I have always been open to med changes especially when depressed. I would do anything to snap out of a funk.



This time was different though. I am wary, I am scared. My last episode was so debilitating that any change is fraught with fear. It was a manic episode and this is my first bout of depression since the episode ended. I hope the meds work. Coupled with therapy I hope I can get through this. Does anyone out there experience the same fear?



When I get depressed I am reminded how tricky of a deal this illness is. My chemistry is hard wired and I don't know if this med change will work. I have put my life in the hands of psychiatrists and I hope that is a good decision. I am still like so many others who gulp down their meds reluctantly. I hate having a daily reminder that I have this damned illness. I swallow the meds and hope for a good outcome. That's a lot of trust. But there is not a single time where I don't wish I never had this disease. I hate the side effects of the meds. It too is a daily reminder of the extent  of my illness

I am hoping things will work out . I am hoping this depression lifts. If meds do the trick, Hallelujah! If not I will continue to fight it.  Life is worth it even if it comes with a few side effects.

Running on empty...

In my struggles with bipolar disorder I sometimes come to a point where my tank reads empty. I struggle so hard to stay stable that I run out of energy and sometimes the will ro carry on. I have found that getting away isn't a way out of your problems, but it's sometimes the healthiest thing you can do.

Perspective. Isn't life all about that? How you percieve you troubles often dictates your actions. Taking a break from your daily grind affords you the perspective you need to come back and tackle your problems.

My get away is La Quinta Ca. I love the desert beauty,the palms, the serenity. My best friend lives there and I stay with her and her husband. During my stays I get to put into perspective all of my concerns. I write them down and try to figure out(with the help of distance), solutions. I also ask for advice from my friend on how to tackle some problems. Advice from a friend can help you see things from a different angle. Solutions that escaped your notice may make themselves known.

Escape from reality is not healthy,but a break from the struggle may be just the thing. It doesn't have to be a long break,maybe just a small trip. Even a visit to the beach or a walk on a trail can allow you to get outside of yourself. I even need a break from me!!!!!!!

Never a dull moment....

When you have bipolar disorder there is never a dull moment. One day up next day down,there is no way to approach the day in the same way. The very nature of the illness is a mind in flux. So how do you face the day if you are feeling manic. What if you are too depressed to even get out of bed?

One way I have learned to balance out my life is to find constants that anchor the soul. Whether it be love of family, a partner or the quest for faith, you have to find something to live for. In this way , whether up or down you can cling to a very real thing and allow it to balance you.

Go to your go tos. When you are manic,  contact a health care provider. Have a support team in place that can tell when you are not yourself. They can help you get the assistance you need. The same goes for depression. Seek help in all circumstances! Don't let things get out of control! Know yourself and your illness. Catch depression before you can't get out of bed. Recognize the signs of mania. In all this. have a good relationship with a psychiatrist and a therapist.
They will help you navigate the waters of bipolar and lead you to stability.

When I have experienced mania, I have been so out of it that I don't remember half of the things I did or said. After the episode there was much damage control. Apologies  needed to be made, outrageous bills to be paid and time lost, made up for. Once stable it behooves me to live one day at a time. I crave stability. Mania is too messy. It is so important to maintain this attitude. Stability is always the goal. Don't give in to the lure of mania. The highs, the grandiosity and the euphoria of the disease. Face each day dedicated to reality.

Depression is literally a killer. It saps you of the will to live and the motivation to make life better so you can live. Again take one day at a time. Seek balance. Take the time to do the things everyone is telling you to do. Eat right, exercise and above all take your meds. Talk to a professional. They can help put you experience in perspective. Don't face the day overwhelmed because you have not reached out for help . Don't go it alone.

The keys to facing a life with a chronic disease is to take it one day at a time and use every resource you have to achieve the goal of stability. Take each day as it comes and try to summon the courage to fight the illness. It is worth it to fight for your life ,it is worth it to live your life free from the ravages of bipolar disorder. Take the chance to listen to advice to help you "get there".

I don't remember my initial reaction to being diagnosed bipolar. I was a young 21 year old and for the most part felt invincible. I don't remember being shocked when the doctor told me I was manic-depressive and would have to take medication for the rest of my life. The chronicity of the illness didn't faze me.
I had not yet experienced it's devastating effects I was a young 21 and I felt I could fight the illness. But as the years passed and hospitalizations increased it dawned on me that I was perhaps fighting a formidable foe, and some battles would be lost.

I was hospitalized after the birth of both my sons. There were so many subsequent hospitalizations that I have lost count. The most recent was the worst though. I was in the hospital for 9 months and don't really remember the first 3. I do remember the last 6 months of my stay.Most of my memories are horrific. Mental hospitals are not the ideal places to heal a broken mind, and so I suffered. I remember crying myself to sleep as I listened to the screaming on the ward, and the sound of orderlies trying to get patients under control. It was a nightmare. Nothing however could prepare me for what would assail me when I was released.

I was released to a board and care in Long Beach. It was a filthy pit. My room was disgusting, filled with dirt and the smell of rot. The people there were rotting as well. Most were in a stupor and those that were aware of their surroundings spent their time asking for and smoking cigarettes. I saw many clients during med time simply spitting the meds out .In no time at all the police would be summoned  to hospitalize the client under a 51-50.

I soon left that board and care and lived in several others until moving to my present location. I was miserable. At least my present circumstances don't assault the senses . It is clean and I have my own room. I have a television and internet. It is still a long way from where I want to go but it is a step in the right direction.

My reaction now when I think about bipolar disorder is a mixture of fear and loathing. I now know what a devastating impact it can have on a life and I hate the fact that I have it. I am afraid that I will have another episode. I am afraid of what is going to happen to me. Everyday I struggle to hang in there, but I am getting tired. The stigma "out there" is nothing compared to the self stigma that attacks my self esteem. I am no longer cavalier in my attitude towards mental illness. It has kicked my ass many times and will probably kick it again before all is said and done. The best I can do is to fight it on every front and above all take my meds. Hopefully my best will be good enough.

The nature of the beast...

Bipolar disorder is a bitch. I hate it more than I can say. It's highs lead to psychosis and it's lows lead to a mind numbing depression. I seek stability but just when I think I have gained it some person , circumstance or event comes along to rock my world. I should take comfort in the fact that this happens to everyone. But why am I so affected by what goes on around me?

I have always been super sensitive. As a child I was greatly influenced by the actions of my friends .I still am. A hurtful word can throw me off for days. I don't think this has anything to do with my illness. It's more of a character issue. Perhaps there is a weak spot though, that serves as  a catalyst to depression. I don't want to be so affected but the plain truth is I am. My goal is stability. I shouldn't be subject to the whims of my illness.

Stability is the goal. Some manic-depressives crave mania. The highs are addicting. Who wouldn't want to be on top of the world? Soon after the high however, one comes crashing down. A episode of mania can end in a bout of depression. It is the nature of the beast to swing form one polar to the opposite. I find comfort in the fact that medication coupled with therapy can even me out. Strengthening my emotional life can result in stability. Even though it may be boring, my experience does not have to include hospitalization. I do not have to ride the rollercoaster of manic depression.

I have yet to make peace with my illness. My highs have been to frequent and my lows too debilitating. However I still seek stability and the ability to live my life at even keel. Doesn't everyone seek a life of tranquility? Yes, tough times may come , but I must be in a position to handle the ups and downs of life. Otherwise my reactions will only feed my illness. The nature of the beast may result in chaos. My gal however is to strengthen myself and seek peace.

Full disclosure...

What to do? Do you disclose your mental illness to another or do you keep it private. ? It's a tough decision. If you had cancer it would not be shameful to disclose your condition. However there is a major stigma regarding mental illness. I find that not only do I recognize the stigma, I also keep quiet about my bipolar disorder because I am ashamed. People are still uninformed about diseases of the brain, and I am afraid I will be met with ignorance. I realize that unless people like me disclose,  mental illness will never be fully understood and accepted . Yet I still struggle to speak up.

Like anyone else I want people to see me in the best light possible. When you tell someone you have a major mental illness you run the risk of being rejected , marginalized, or dismissed due to ignorance. I still don't tell people I am bipolar if I feel they would use the information to harm me. But the majority of the time I am met with understanding and at the very least curiosity. My fear of rejection stems from my own shame. I know it's not my fault .I know there is nothing I could have done to change my brain chemistry. I flat out know that I am powerless against the diagnosis. Yet I still blame myself.

It is irrational for me to judge myself so harshly. You are supposed to be on your own team. However I sometimes can't help myself. The stigma of society coupled with my own self doubts hush me up! I want nothing more than to be able to share this burden with others. It is so hard to do when you think you will be judged harshly. However ,I must disclose whenever I believe it is healthy and safe .Why?Disclosing not only makes me a braver person ,it may also open up the possibility for further understanding. I would challenge myself and others to speak out about mental illness. The more we speak out the lesser the stigma. When I speak out , it also eradicates, bit by bit, the shame I feel myself.

one down one to go....

Thanksgiving has passed and I look forward to Christmas. I realize a lot of people have a rough time whether mentally ill or not. I realize that on a previous post I was a bit too one sided in my approach to the holidays.  Many of us struggle during this time of year. I feel that I am at my best during the holidays. Yet I can sympathize with those who suffer during this time of year.

Why are the holidays so difficult? Stress is a big factor. We want things to be perfect ,the perfect gift, party, family get together. When things fall short of our expectations we feel terrible. Perhaps the key word here is expectations. Nothing can ever live uo to the notions of the holidays that we all have. It's been pumped not us from the earliest of ages that Christmas is the "most wonderful time of the year. Tis the season to be jolly, be merry, and happy holidays all tell us to be in the spirit of Christmas. What do we do if our expectations exceed reality and we just can't wait for it to be January the 2nd?

First take into account that you have a mental illness that if you are bipolar affects your mood. Stay steady during the holidays. Continue to do the hard work of recovery despite the season. Keep taking your meds, go to support group and air your concerns to your support team.

Be realistic. In order to stay healthy and stable don't put pressure on yourself to be perfect. There are times when you will have to take a break from all of the hubbub . Be kind to yourself and if you need a break from the action , do so. You won't always feel in the spirit of things ,you might feel depressed and down. Be sure you allow for these feelings and gain some measure of comfort from the fact that we all struggle during the holidays.

Focus on what you love. If your thing is baking, giving gifts, visiting friends and family, pick one and focus your energies on those things . Don't be afraid to avoid the things you don't care for. Saying no to a party, a gathering or an event doesn't mean you are depressed. You may be smart to protect your mental health by avoiding stressful circumstances.

Above all, Try to build some positive memories of the season. January 1st will be here soon enough and with it all of life's realities. When things get tough, A good memory may help you fight on in the new year.