Ready, set , goals!!!!

Chronic, incurable, lifelong. These words unfortunately accompany a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. When I was first diagnosed at 21 I was told I would have to take medication for the rest of my life and that it would be forever altered by mental illness. Well, I have and it has. Lately however, I have begun to question some of the beliefs about my mental illness.

Above all else I question whether a life has to be dominated by the symptoms of mental illness. Can't we move beyond the mere management of symptoms and onto recovery and wellness? I believe the answer is a resounding yes. Yes, symptom recognition and management are important but once achieved, shouldn't one take the next step and figure out how to live a meaningful productive life? Yes again.

Perhaps the most important factor in my recovery from my last episode, (a 9 month hospitalization),
has been my ability to set and achieve goals. My methods are simple and I think anyone challenged by a mental illness can use them to further their journey.

First, identify your areas of interest. Life without a purpose is by nature depressing and unfulfilling.
Identify the areas you want to attend to and name your passions. Clarify where it is you want to go. After you do this you can set goals.

When I set goals I break things down into categories. My life consists of physical, emotional , spiritual, financial and pleasurable components. I set goals in each category that are long and short term and attainable.

Perhaps the most important part of goal setting is assessment. Set a timeframe for reviewing your goals and see how far you have come and where you need to improve. Reaccess, regroup, and redraw your goals then move forward. If you are struggling with a mental illness perhaps your perspective or judgement is skewed and you need help in this process. That is perfectly okay. A second set of eyes is always a good thing.

Accept setbacks when You are reaching for growth and following your passions. Perhaps you will experience symptoms of your disorder or just life stuff will get in the way of achieving your goals. The key is to not give up. Slow and steady wins the race!

Go for it! I totally believe that a person living with a mental illness can thrive, set a path for the future and attain it. We who experience disorders of the mind, need to be hypervigilant about our path though. You cannot get anywhere if you are a victim of continued symptoms. I would argue that in spite of how you feel you should press on. Get your illness under control with the help of a psychiatrist, take your meds, see a therapist , join a support group, move forward!! Don't settle!!

Gimme a break!

I've written before on vacation, but this time I wanted to take a moment and explain how important taking a break from mental illness is. Having a diagnosis such as bipolar disorder can be all consuming if you let it. I believe however that you can come to a place where you can leave it behind for a while and then return to your struggle with renewed vigor.


La Quinta California is definitely my happy place. It's where I am taking my break and I love it. There is something about the desert that puts my soul at peace. The heat doesn't even bother me. Due to the generosity of my best friend, I get to stay and do pool time and enjoy the sunshine. I literally leave my life behind in an effort to rejuvenate. And that is very okay!

One thing about taking a break that is very important is to have things in order before you do so. Part of my life is very regimented. I see a psychiatrist, get a shot of Abilify every two months and faithfully take my medication. I also am in therapy to address the issues of living with a mental illness as well as dealing with "life stuff". My support system is intact and my job secure. With all this in place, I am free to go on a vacation and not return to unfinished business. It's the way I have operated for the last 8 years in recovery and it has worked.


I wouldn't say mental illness is the dominant feature of my life. Every once in a while I do feel sorry for myself, but then do a reality check and recognize how grateful I am for all the good in my life. I don't wake up in the morning and think, Oh god, another day with bipolar disorder!" I face each day as it comes and am learning to take it one moment at a time. Although I am a consummate worrier, I am try to let that go and be more faith oriented. All in all I would say I my life is blessed and I am fortunate to have recovered and be on the path to wellness.


The lesson of the desert is that beautiful things can be found in bleak places. That is the essence of my journey with mental illness. The road to wellness has been one of hard work and some setbacks but I can honestly say I am well, and while on vacation I can simply enjoy the reward of all that hard work. Pass the sunscreen!!

SMIs. What the heck?

The other day I was starting to walk to work when a guy from my apartment complex stopped me. He is seriously affected by schizophrenia and despite all my knowledge of the illness I was wary. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted to know the name of the manager of my store and "everyone has problems!". I assumed he had trouble in the store and I wasn't surprised. He often comes in to shop and as he makes his way down the isles he has animated conversation with what I am assuming are his voices. People stare and the staff keep an eye on him.

At the apartment complex he is continuously engaged in conversation with himself. He swims in the pool everyday and takes walks around the parking lot, talking all the way. I hear him when I walk past his apartment on my way to work. The talking never seems to stop. I feel nothing but compassion for him and think that this must be a tortuous way to live.

Maybe I am wrong though. I know a lot about schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder but I have never really engaged anyone with the illness about how they feel about it. I have never specifically asked how they feel about the voices they hear or if their responses irritate them at all. Like so many others, my knowledge about serious mental illnesses (SMIs) is limited despite all this time in the mental health world.

Sure, I know a lot about bipolar disorder from researching it due to my own diagnosis. I have personal knowledge, book knowledge and personal experience from dealing with others with bipolar. Yet, when it comes to schizophrenia I am finding I am ignorant and biased just like the rest of society.

The behaviors associated with this particular mental illness are off putting and frankly scary. Auditory and visual hallucinations are common. Being out of touch with reality, religious and persecutory delusions are also symptoms. It is a very misunderstood illness and although it shares some of the symptoms of bipolar disorder my response to it in real time is as ignorant as most of society. I have some work to go to educate myself about schizophrenia and some of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. We have a long way to go in our acceptance of SMIs as a society and I need to do some work personally.

It is heartening to see on the news that there is a push to educate young people about SMIs. Mental health should be taught in schools. After all mental health is just as key to development as physical health.I believe the more we are taught about the symptoms of mental illnesses the less frightening they will become. After all, fear is often the product of ignorance. I am the fist to acknowledge that I too suffer from this fearful ignorance and would benefit from learning more. Perhaps if we knew what to expect, the symptoms of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder would be met with compassion and assistance. People like my neighbor would perhaps suffer less and receive more support. I think it is a goal worth attaining!

One of the lucky ones...

I was raised to not believe in luck. A saying in my family was, "but for the grace of god go I." We were taught that we made our own luck, and the harder one worked the luckier one got. If you were in a superior position, you were to go forward with humility, considering that others were less fortunate and you were were blessed.

I still think that way, but my experience with mental illness has caused me to question many things and has challenged this way of thinking. Truth be told, I am one of the lucky ones. My depression finally responded to medication. Yes, it took many trials of different meds and different combinations, but my doctors and I finally found the right mix to keep me stable. Many others are not as fortunate.


I recently joined an online support group for families and caregivers of the mentally ill. I joined because of my brother who lives with bipolar disorder. The group addresses all sorts of concerns for getting help for your loved one. It also chronicles the struggles of so many who suffer from serious mental illnesses. I find myself reading their stories with sadness. The problems seem so insurmountable. Many refuse treatment, or fail to acknowledge they are ill. The families who participate in the group share their utter frustration at the vicissitudes of the illnesses and their feelings of powerlessness. Sometimes after reading their stories I experience a grief reaction. I recognize their feelings of hopelessness as they deal with their loved ones.


I experienced hopelessness and helplessness while at my most depressed. I was pushing the proverbial boulder up a hill and the boulder kept rolling back and crushing me. My depression for many years was a constant. I lived in a state of grief, despair and a kind of fog. Everything felt heavy, life was a burden too hard to bear. For whatever reason I did not seek to end my life and for that I am grateful. Again, many are not as fortunate.

So what do I do now that I am moving from recovery to wellness? I think I need to recognize that I am lucky. Despite the fact that I have worked hard in recovery there is the "luck of the draw" factor. I am one of the fortunate ones who have responded to treatment and have had support and a track record of successes. Given all that, I believe my response to such luck should be to help those who find themselves still suffering from the symptoms of mental illness. Yes, but for the grace of God go I, but also, it is incumbent of me to reach out to those affected.

I know that my recovery is a fragile thing. Bipolar illness is chronic and cyclical. I may become depressed again. I might experience mania, the drugs may become ineffectual, or I may have a breakthrough of symptoms. It scares me frankly. Yet, I hold on to the hope that I may not experience relapse, and my efforts will produce a sustained period of wellness. And so I move forward, not without fear and trepidation but forward nonetheless.

A way out of the darkness...

I recently joined a support group for families of those affected by mental illness. I am in a unique position in that my brother is bipolar and I am as well. The horror stories that are shared on the site are so familiar. I have lived some of them! However, I am in recovery and on a steady path to wellness. So what is it that has gotten me to this point of stability?

First and foremost, I believe that you cannot do mental illness on your own strength. I make no apologies for "borrowing" from the strength and support of the people in my life. Some days I just can't summon the will to go on, so I call my "go to" loved ones and look for help. There is no shame in admitting that you are not okay, but I believe there is a pile of regret waiting if you do not reach out and act on your emotions.


The fact is, the medical profession is there to help. I know there is a lot of false information out there that implies that all a doctor will do is listen for 10 minutes then medicate. I have not found that to be the case. There are psychiatrists who will spend time and go through the process of finding the right treatments for your mental illness. I found an excellent doctor in Orange County who spends a substantial amount of time and has been with me for 6 years. Yes I had to tweak my meds and find out what worked for me through trial and error, but I think that is the case with any medical condition.


Therapy has been such an important part of my recovery. It is key to find someone who is an objective listener . Someone who is not emotionally invested that you can say anything to. My bipolar disorder is a liar and often tells me I am helpless, hopeless and less then. I have trouble with negative, catastrophic thinking and my therapy has challenged those beliefs and taught me coping skills. It has been invaluable.


Finally, a word about resilience. It is so important to maintain hope and bounce back from setbacks. The bipolar journey is not linear and you will have twists and turns, ups and downs. If you fall, it's okay, but get back up. I firmly believe that life is worth the living, and you have to have a bit of fight in you to survive a mental illness.


If you or a loved one is struggling living with a mental illness I would encourage you to seek help. Go to the medical community, get a psychiatrist and therapist, join a support group, adhere to medications, build a network of support and work on resilience. Above all else don't give up. I am living proof that a person can reach stability and thrive. If it seems impossible to cope, reach out and ask for help! The national suicide number is 1-800-273-8255. Also contact NAMI and get info on how to connect to support and services. It is possible to manage a mental illness, but there is work involved!

Home Sweet Home.

I recently completed a recertification for my apartment. I live in a complex that has 12 units reserved for the mentally ill by the county. After my last episode 7 years ago. I secured this living situation through a group I was with that provided services for those affected by mental illness seeking housing. I had lived in board and care situations for 2 years and was ready for a place of my own.

I am so grateful for my apartment. It is in a lovely section of Irvine in Orange County Ca. It has been a place of healing and grounding for me. I have a job across the street and it is central to where my family is located. It is just a skip away from my parents and sister and easily reached by my sons. It has been a total blessing and I consider myself so fortunate to have it.

Unfortunately the other 11 units are occupied by consumers who aren't doing as well. There are several occupants who have become recluses, emerging from their apartments only occasionally. One tenant is constantly in the throes of his schizophrenia, talking to himself incessantly. I pass his apartment on my walk out of the gate on the way to work and here him arguing with the voices that no doubt torment him. One other, has been transported by ambulance to the hospital more times than I can count. I think that this raises the question of whether independent housing is always the answer for people living with a serious mental illness.

I believe in group housing. There, a consumer has a shot at success because they are supported and have a sense of community. Left to their own devices many who experience the symptoms of serious mental illness do not do well in an independent unit. I have succeeded because of my support system of family, work, and accessing help from a psychiatrist and therapist. There is a representative from the group I was associated with on site. I check in with her and maintain some relationships within the complex.

I don't think my success is to be lauded because in a very real way it has come only because I am fortunate to have become stable. My bipolar disorder is responding well to treatment. Medication, therapy and a constant relationship with my psychiatrist have propelled me to this level. But to be honest, many don't respond as well through no fault of their own. Their illness is treatment resistant and they struggle. Adding the responsibility of maintaining a living space while managing an illness is just too much and they eventually fail.

I believe as state and federal governments seek to solve the problem of housing the homeless mentally ill, they should consider many factors other than the just the lack of units to house them. Substance abuse, medication compliance and the individuals history of managing their illness should all taken into consideration. Simply putting someone who is affected into an apartment is not the answer. Group homes and wraparound services should accompany the solution. It may not be politically correct, but without support very few of the homeless mentally ill will be able to maintain a independent living situation.

Before being hit with my disorder and a divorce, I was a homeowner and knew how to create a home. That is what I have done with my apartment. At first, I decorated with things my best friend gave me. My family kicked in and helped me make things pleasantly livable. Now, every paycheck I get something for the place. They are small improvements, but they matter to me. I have made a healing space for myself and am so thankful for the opportunity to do so. I know however that it would all change if I was irresponsible about my illness or had a change in my stability. So, I hold on for dear life and move forward one step at a time.

It is my hope that all those affected by mental illness get the help they so desperately need and access affordable housing and the means to sustain it. The more services the better and I am a big proponent of spending money on things that matter. Access to care, medication, substance abuse interventions and community based services should all get the attention they deserve. We need to solve the problem, but as a person living with a mental illness, I believe the solution has to take a look at the ability of the person to mange their mental illness. It is a harsh reality, but compliance is a major issue and a deal breaker. All of these factors must be taken into consideration. It is the sensible, compassionate and realistic way to solve the housing crisis.

For the boys...

I used to dread Mother's day. For a major portion of my kid's lives I did not have custody of my children and parented from afar. I was diagnosed with a mental illness way before they were born but was extremely ill during my first borns early years and the first two years of my second son's life. My ex and I eventually divorced and he got physical custody. I kept involved in their lives by phone calls, visitations and family events. But it was never enough. I was consumed by grief at the loss and for many years celebrated Mother's day in a funk.


Now that my boys are grown they have become a part of my life in a big way. My oldest Jake is recently married and now I have a daughter in law, Julie! Danny is in college and works and is involved with Young Life. I talk to them frequently, they both live close, and I see them often. The days of arranging to see them are over and I have entered a new phase in my life with them. The grief that so often accompanied my dealings with them is gone and has been replaced by an excitement of things that are happening and hope for the future. Mother's day this year is going to be sweet!


I am so grateful for the way things have turned out. For many years I didn't think I could endure the separations, the missed events and opportunities to be with my sons. I hung in there for dear life and have come to this place as a result of just waiting things out. Time really does heal wounds! It took the boys becoming adults with their own cars, decisions and agendas to come to our current relationships. I am so glad I didn't give up and saw things through to this point!

Danny, Julie and Jake!

Now that I am stable, I look forward to my future with the boys. It is clear to me now that my mental illness does not have to dominate my relationship with them. I believe , in fact, that they are better men because of having a Mom who lives with a disorder. They are compassionate, loving and caring in their dealings with others and very supportive of my journey. I couldn't ask for a better outcome to a story that was fraught with pain and difficulty.


I am so grateful this Mother's day for my children and my own Mom, but I know this day can be difficult and painful for many. I am fortunate to still have my Mom, but others have lost theirs due to illness, emotional distance or even mental illness. I hope that if you are reading this and live with a mental illness and are a Mom, you will find help and healing. If you are struggling this Mother's day, you can contact NAMI and find support groups where you can find understanding and support. If you need to talk to someone you can also call a NAMI warm line. Also, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255.  You will find help if you are suicidal or in emotional distress. Please reach out and get the help you need!