Easter hope.

Easter is a time of hope. It is the time of year when winter is over and the promises of spring begin to bloom. Not only is nature mounting a fresh start, I find myself beginning again in many of the areas affected by my mental illness. This is the time of year when I bring fresh ideas to the table and try to figure out better ways to deal with a chronic illness. The winter of my mind is over and with the beginning of spring I feel myself drawn to new ways of thinking.

I recently sought therapy because I felt stuck in my thinking. I deal with a chronic mental illness and the stress of navigating life with it is overwhelming. How I think about it all is often tainted by the symptoms of depression. I try to cope but very often find myself exhausted by the effort.

When I am tired my judgment is off. I find myself in the vicious cycle of depression. Because I am depressed I find myself isolating, avoiding activities that would require me to engage with others. Life becomes stale and I get further depressed. And so it goes, on and on. I need help at these times to gain a new perspective and make a new game plan.

I seek therapy when I am discontented. I know there needs to be a change in my thinking and as a result a change in my actions. The thing about therapy is that it initially makes me even more uncomfortable. I am challenged to see things in a different light from the perspective of a professional. The status quo will no longer do, and painful changes need to be made. It's a sometimes unpleasant process. It has been my experience however, that if you stick with it, hope starts to take hold and gives you the courage to face a new tomorrow. 

My new therapist is challenging my thinking and offering new ways to approach my battle with mental illness. Sometimes I need to "borrow" hope from another. Depression is a judgement killer and it is the worst of my symptoms. I look to gain new strategies from a trained eye to help me bring my thoughts into order. From the foundation of clear thinking, depression and it's symptoms can be addressed and my life begins to resemble something I can be proud of.

Hope in my experience is not some thing that is easily attained. You have to fight to continue on. Easter for me, is full of the message of hope. After the grey of winter, light suffuses the longer days and opportunites for new growth appear. Depression can give way to clarity, and from a clear perspective positive growth can happen. Mental illness or no, isn't growth what we all seek? Isn't the message of Easter that life, no matter how difficult can be transformed by hope?

So, I am undergoing a sort of "spring cleaning" of my mind. The old ways of coping just won't do anymore. I look forward to working with a therapist to clean out the clutter in my thinking and gain a new, fresh clear way of being. In this season of hope I am grateful that I am being challenged by friends family to reach a new level of wellness! 

 

Motherhood and mental illness...

I remember when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had a manic episode when I was 21 and was hospitalized for 3 weeks. My parents and I sat down with the doctor and he delivered the news, I had a mental illness and was to be treated with lithium. At the time we had little knowledge about bipolar illness. I had no idea what he meant or any clue as to what living with a mental illness would look like. We had no reference point.

I am now 51 years old and have dealt with my illness for 30  years. In all honesty my struggles with depression started when I was 15. At 21 we finally put a name to it, and I have been in treatment ever since. The road has been long and sometimes rocky. I have tried innumerable medications, have seen many different doctors and have been hospitalized more times than I care to count. Bipolar disorder has impacted my life more than we even imagined

When I was 26 I got married and started a family. When I was pregnant I had a reprieve from the symptoms of my mental illness. After my son was born however, I had a major manic episode combined with post-partum psychosis. Without the help of my family, I would have never been able to be a mother during that period of time.

At 35 I had another son and repeated the same experience. This time I had an even more severe break and it took me 3 months to come down from the episode. I remember not being able to hold my son because I had the shakes so bad from medication. I struggled to take care of him and my other son while going through the challenges of a major depressive episode. Again without the help of my ex-husband and family, I wouldn't have made it through.

I am often questioned about my choice to have children. Not only was it excruciatingly difficult on my mental health but the possibility that my children would inherit mental illness was high. I honestly didn't weigh the consequences of pregnancy and a motherhood impacted by mental illness. At the time we were somewhat ignorant to the dangers of both. In hindsight I can see how traumatic the events were

but I wouldn't change the outcome. I have two beautiful boys and I don't regret a thing. 

My oldest son was recently diagnosed with major depression and anxiety disorder. So my greatest fear of my children inheriting the illness has been realized. I feel like I have been punched in the gut. Do you know the feeling of waking up and realizing that something has gone drastically wrong, but in your waking moments can't quite recall what it was. Then when you come to, you are faced with the enormity of the previous days events?! That's how I have felt since the news of my son's diagnosis on Tuesday.  I am not surprised by the news , he has struggled for a long time. Putting a name on it though, solidifies the reality that he is suffering.

I want to make it all better, I want it to stop and I want to make it go away. Like all mothers I can't stand to see my child in pain and I am reeling from the fact that he will have to battle mental illness like I have had to. I had hoped that I would be the only one in my family to deal with a disorder, but now my son has been touched by depression. He is in for the fight of his life and I hope I can help him in his journey to wellness.

I sincerely believe that I am better equipped to deal with this than most. I have been there and done that. Above all I realize that he needs more than my advice. He needs a touchstone, someone he can go to to be reassured that this is not a death sentence and that he can survive and even thrive. I am so glad that I have hung in there and can serve as an example for him. We will get through this and we will get to the other side together. I am determined to not let depression have the last word.  

On the tightrope!

Life is hard. I get that . Bipolar life is harder and I get that too. It seems like the everyday struggles that one encounters are magnified when one is struggling with a mental illness. It is like you are being asked to run a race that everyone else is running except with a load on your back.

Lately, my struggles are more pronounced due to events happening in my life. Quiet frankly I am trying to keep it together.

My greatest fear has been that one of my children would develop a psychiatric disorder. My oldest is being evaluated on Tuesday by a psychiatrist. He is suffering from depression and experiencing anxiety attacks. I am heart sick. Having been there, I know I am in the best position to help him, but I would give anything to be able to be the only one in my family who has to deal with mental illness.

At the same time my brother is being released from a psychiatric hospital today. In my opinion he has no business being released. Insurance though kicks most out before they are even ready. This episode was severe and fueled by drug abuse. He has a history of non-compliance to medication and doesn't think he is sick despite repeated bipolar episodes. It is maddening being his sister. I want to shake him to his senses but it does no good. I only hope this rock bottom place that he has come to will force him to face the realities of his illness and his addictions.

In the midst of all this I am trying to maintain. The everyday stress of living with my disorder is getting me down. I try to keep things in perspective and realize that "this too shall pass" but it is an effort. Today I am going to my psychiatrist to check in. While there I am going to see a counselor to unload on someone! I tend to keep feelings pent up and just barrel through tough situations. That won't do. Somehow I am going to have to figure out how to cope with others situations as well as my own "stuff".

I have lived with bipolar disorder for 36 years now. It's a grind. Bipolar doesn't care what your circumstances are, it doesn't give you a break. If anything it makes a tough situation even worse. Not only are you dealing with the immediate, you are dealing with it with a mental illness to boot.

I wish I could say I have learned enough to know how to handle every challenge that life throws my way. At times like these though I feel very vulnerable. My
first order of business will be to seek the professional help I have so carefully garnered. Seeing my doctor today is the first step, talking to people will help. I'll thank god I have medication to take to keep me stable. I will try to breathe. Mostly though I will pray for strength to face the day. I am praying for peace, god granted, and much needed.

A Thrill of Hope.

I spent the Christmas season of 2011 in a mental hospital. I had been admitted in October for a severe manic bipolar episode with psychotic features. My illness extended through the holidays and beyond to the summer of the next year. 

I don't remember much about that Christmas. My recall of the events of that season are sketchy at best. I do remember a phone call from my sons. Both wished me Merry Christmas and broke down crying , begging me to get better. It was heartbreaking and the pain I felt from that phone call is as raw today as it was back then. 

I have rejoined my family. I survived the 9 month hospitalization and have slowly regained my life during the last 5 years. It has been a gritty, hard fight to get my life back. This holiday I will celebrate with loved ones and be truly present in the joys of the season. I am so grateful to be able to do so. 

I know what it's like to be cheated by mental illness. It does not care what time or date or season it is when it strikes. Bipolar disorder does not take into account that it is the holidays. It is relentless in its affect on your life. It is a thief of time and will dominate your days if you do not manage it wisely.

So how do you manage mental illness during the holidays and beyond? Medication compliance , the care of a psychiatrist and a psychologist and a support system or team are critical to dealing with mental illness. If these foundations or pillars of wellness are in place, the chances of another episodes are greatly reduced. Wellness can happen and life can be restored. Recovery can happen regardless the date on the calendar.

This holiday season I am well. I can fully participate in the holiday season. I am not depressed and I am not manic, rather, I am stable and consistent in my moods. Bipolar disorder is under control in my life and I am able to experience the challenges of the holidays just like everyone else. Yes the holidays bring certain stress, but I am learning to handle them with the tools taught to me by the professionals in my life. My support team continues to provide me with solid advice on how to cope. Even though life doesn't stop for one day on a calendar, I am able to catch the joy of the season and hope for a healthy and happy New Year.

Hope is key in managing a mental illness. There is hope for recovery from bipolar disorders impact your life. Whether you live with a mental illness, or are impacted by a loved one's struggle, you can be assured that wellness is attainable if you put in the hard work and cling to hope. Hope , for me, is an exercise of the mind and spirit. I place my heart and mind in the hands of a higher power and wait expectantly for my life to unfold in positive ways. I put in the hard work of recovery because of the hope that resides in my heart. I believe that today and tomorrow can be free of the vicissitudes of mental illness when one actively manages the disease, armed with the power of hope.

There is no better time to hope than in the celebration of the arrival of a New Year. Looking forward to a year of new beginnings and a renewed hope in the possibilities of a symptom free life are part of the reason I welcome 2016. I know what its like to be removed from life and I refuse to enter another year overwhelmed by the power of mental illness. 

I manage my illness on a practical level. I am under the care of a psychiatrist , I take my medications faithfully. I seek and accept the advice and counsel of a close support team who monitor how I am managing bipolar disorder. I have spent countless hours in therapy learning the tools that can pull me out of depression, protect me from mania, and insure my stability. However , I also practice hope. I am confident that with hard work and patience I can set my mind on the goal of wellness and become more tomorrow than I am today. 

It is with great hope that I celebrate Christmas 2015 and welcome 2016. Recovery is possible. I know, I've lived it. I hope that if you are struggling with mental illness you will take the steps necessary to mange it. I hope that you approach 2016 with a fighting attitude, expecting wellness despite the power of these illnesses. Above all, I press on and hope!

Get help, keep fighting!

I have been trying to manage my mental illness for almost 35 years. Sometimes I manage my bipolar disorder and experience periods of stability. Other times it kicks my butt!

After a 9 month stint in a mental hospital and a 5 year recovery I find myself in one of those periods of stability. Everything is not sunshine and roses, but I am managing life's ups and downs with a sense of peace. There is a calm now in my storm. I look back on the 5 years and feel like I have accomplished so much yet have such a long way to go. I realize that bipolar disorder can wear a person down and then deliver a knock out punch. I don't want to become a statistic and succumb to the brutality of mental illness.

I have been asked why I hang in there. Curiosity is my answer. I truly wonder how it will all turn out! I am curious as to how my children will experience their lives and how , even with a mental illness, I will be a part of that. I can't give in to the life damaging symptoms of the illness. I may experience them but I don't have to let them define me. Bottom line, I want to see what my life will be like after another 5 years of stability and another 5 years after that. Until there is a cure for mental illnesses, that is the best I can hope for, a chance to battle it out.

Depression has always been the dominant force in my bipolar journey. It is a formidable foe. Dealing with major depression has been a long , knock down, drag out fight for me. Sadly, if I were to be honest, I would have to say it has won more times than i care to admit!

When I am depressed the first thing I notice is that the world loses it's color. Everything seems grey. I lose my interest in the things around me and feel like a burden to the people who carry on with their lives. It is like swimming in mud to think and feel. There is a feeling that nothing matters anymore and you are just a burden that is being put up with.

It is in these states of depression that I find myself actively seeking help. Help is what has kept me going all these years. There is no substitute for professional help. A competent psychiatrist, psychologist and the right medication are the foundations of my wellness strategy. Along with the pro's I receive a wealth of support from family and friends. They are there in my corner, encouraging and sometimes even insisting that I keep going.

The truth is, if you are mentally ill you can not go it alone. You must rise on the wings of another. For instance, I seriously doubt my judgement. When I am manic it is skewed by grandiosity and racing thoughts. When I am depressed my thinking is morbid and I cannot see a way out of almost any situation. So, I rely on the advice and good judgement of those I love and admire. I must confess that in the throes of severe mania I want to be told what to do. I shouldn't be trusted with my care because I am incapable of making those kinds of calls. Similarly, when I am clinically depressed I need for members of my support team to do more than give me gentle suggestions. I need help to get out of the muck and mire of depression and that takes more than a little tug!

Bottom line...If you are mentally ill, love,or even support someone who is mentally ill, you are in for the fight of your life!

I don't know what the outcome is going to be in my bipolar journey. After all, no one can predict the future. My hope is that I will continue to seek help, accept the assistance of others and live a life that matters. I am still fighting , and will continue to do so. I hope that if you find yourself challenged like I am , you will realize that there is hope for recovery. Don't give up!!

Mental illness and violence.

Another mass shooting took place last week in Louisianna. It didn't take long for it to become public knowledge that the shooter was diagnosed bipolar and had a long history of violence. Once again mental illness was in the news and linked to a horrific event.

Whenever I hear of a mass shooting of this kind, I cringe and almost wait for the media to report that the shooter was either bipolar or schizophrenic. As one who lives with a mental illness it makes me want to go silent regarding my disorder. I don't want to be associated with the concept of the "Crazed killer", and fear that I will be perceived in the same light as a unbalanced individual.

I have never owned a gun, never shot a gun and would never even contemplate gun ownership. I believe that if you are diagnosed with a mental illness you should forgo your Second Amendment right to gun ownership. There is mounting evidence that the mentally ill are more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators, yet why own a agent of violence when harm to self or others is in the equation?!

I believe that back round checks are necessary and should be enforced with even more restrictions. The shooter in Louisianna had a restraining order against him and had his weapons removed due to his threats against his family. He had a long history of mental illness and yet was still able to purchase a gun. Ridiculous. He should have been red flagged.

Mental illness is not an indicator of violence , yet it seems that  every time a story appears like Louisville we hear about the shooters mental health history. The media does little to report on the millions of people who suffer in silence with mental illness. Most go quietly about their lives, keeping their diagnosis to themselves for fear of stigma. Who in their right mind would want to be identified with those who commit heinous acts? It is cringe worthy and makes those of us suffering from a mental illness want to hide our diagnosis even further.

Before another incident happens , I hope mental illness is discussed outside of the context of violence. Depression is often experienced privately, and painfully alone. Most who suffer from it hide away from society and do not engage in behavior that would draw attention to themselves.

I think all issues that pertain to mental illness should be drawn out of the shadows and discussed openly. I would be a vocal proponent of strict back round checks that some may perceive as violating the Second Amendment rights of those diagnosed with a disorder. To this I would say a big so what?! There is no reason for someone who may be a danger to themselves to own a weapon which they can turn against themselves. Take it from one who knows, when you are in a bipolar episode you are not in your right mind, your thinking is skewed and your actions questionable at best. The right to bear arms should not be afforded to those in the throes of insanity.

The Dark Corners of My Mind....

What do you do when you have been medicated for depression and the stuff of life still presents itself? I have been successfully medicated for depression but that doesn't stop life from still happening! Some days I deal with my feelings , some days I go to distractions like everyone else. It is incredibly hard to stay in the present when all you want to do is stay in bed! Life does go on though, and when you come out of a bipolar depression it is there waiting for you!

Last night I went to my sisters house for a birthday party for my mother and brother. My mother  recently went through surgery and so it was special for all of us to acknowledge her many contributions to our lives. She had her para thyroid removed so she is finding it difficult to talk. Her throat is sore and she gets tired easily. I was struck last night by how much she has meant to me in my struggles with mental illness. Along with the "normal" roles of mother and daughter we have also had the relationship of her being a caregiver. She has seen me through the worst of my episodes. When I cried a thousand tears she was there to give me encouragement and hope that things would be set right. I make no apologies that I have often fed off of her strength and determination. So, it has been difficult to see her suffering and frail. Her recent surgery brought home the fact that she , at 73, will not always be there and I went to bed last night afraid of the future without her.

There is no pill to cure fear and managing your emotions cannot be done by medicating them. I think there is a tendency to ask for more medication when feelings like fear, legitimate grief and sadness arise. I am bipolar but have the same reactions to life's difficulties as a "normal" person. In fact I think that bipolar disorder has made me more adept at  being a fully emotional human being. It is one of bipolar's greatest gifts to me;
I have been humbled into having a more accurate view of my emotional world. Yes, my mind tends to worry excessively which leads to depression but it also feels intensely. I love deeply, I fear greatly, I hope with unabashed determination. Such is my bipolar life! I don't think that is a bad thing nor do I want to medicate these feelings away. Rather than ask for more meds I am learning to sit with my emotions, acknowledge them and make a plan to deal with them.

My mind can go to some dark places. It should in some instances . I think it is the human experience to fear the future and have regrets about the past. The present is another thing entirely. I find it difficult to live in the now. I am a dreamer, a worrier, an introspective bipolar woman. What a combination! It is in my nature to reflect on life's questions and come up with even more questions. My mothers says I came out of the womb asking, "Why?"

My answers lately have been heart felt rather than intellectual. I respond to the fear of losing my mother with tears and then an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the role she has played in my life. I am grateful and somewhat overwhelmed by the love and support I receive in my bipolar struggles. Most of all I have been experiencing relief at my ability to cope with the emotions that arise during any given day. I feel stronger and more able to cope with life's ups and downs. Maybe the full realization of my emotional life is bipolar's great gift to me. Yes, I get too high and then too low, but in the in between time there is a quiet acceptance. For maybe the first time in my life I am OK with the way things presently are, good and bad. It is a blessing to be stable enough to be at peace even when life is happening. So here I am at 50 finally coming to terms with my bipolar diagnosis. The dark corners of my mind are being infused by light, not just with medication but with the knowledge that things can and will get better with time and effort. Finally, peace.