SMIs. What the heck?

The other day I was starting to walk to work when a guy from my apartment complex stopped me. He is seriously affected by schizophrenia and despite all my knowledge of the illness I was wary. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted to know the name of the manager of my store and "everyone has problems!". I assumed he had trouble in the store and I wasn't surprised. He often comes in to shop and as he makes his way down the isles he has animated conversation with what I am assuming are his voices. People stare and the staff keep an eye on him.

At the apartment complex he is continuously engaged in conversation with himself. He swims in the pool everyday and takes walks around the parking lot, talking all the way. I hear him when I walk past his apartment on my way to work. The talking never seems to stop. I feel nothing but compassion for him and think that this must be a tortuous way to live.

Maybe I am wrong though. I know a lot about schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder but I have never really engaged anyone with the illness about how they feel about it. I have never specifically asked how they feel about the voices they hear or if their responses irritate them at all. Like so many others, my knowledge about serious mental illnesses (SMIs) is limited despite all this time in the mental health world.

Sure, I know a lot about bipolar disorder from researching it due to my own diagnosis. I have personal knowledge, book knowledge and personal experience from dealing with others with bipolar. Yet, when it comes to schizophrenia I am finding I am ignorant and biased just like the rest of society.

The behaviors associated with this particular mental illness are off putting and frankly scary. Auditory and visual hallucinations are common. Being out of touch with reality, religious and persecutory delusions are also symptoms. It is a very misunderstood illness and although it shares some of the symptoms of bipolar disorder my response to it in real time is as ignorant as most of society. I have some work to go to educate myself about schizophrenia and some of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. We have a long way to go in our acceptance of SMIs as a society and I need to do some work personally.

It is heartening to see on the news that there is a push to educate young people about SMIs. Mental health should be taught in schools. After all mental health is just as key to development as physical health.I believe the more we are taught about the symptoms of mental illnesses the less frightening they will become. After all, fear is often the product of ignorance. I am the fist to acknowledge that I too suffer from this fearful ignorance and would benefit from learning more. Perhaps if we knew what to expect, the symptoms of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder would be met with compassion and assistance. People like my neighbor would perhaps suffer less and receive more support. I think it is a goal worth attaining!

One of the lucky ones...

I was raised to not believe in luck. A saying in my family was, "but for the grace of god go I." We were taught that we made our own luck, and the harder one worked the luckier one got. If you were in a superior position, you were to go forward with humility, considering that others were less fortunate and you were were blessed.

I still think that way, but my experience with mental illness has caused me to question many things and has challenged this way of thinking. Truth be told, I am one of the lucky ones. My depression finally responded to medication. Yes, it took many trials of different meds and different combinations, but my doctors and I finally found the right mix to keep me stable. Many others are not as fortunate.


I recently joined an online support group for families and caregivers of the mentally ill. I joined because of my brother who lives with bipolar disorder. The group addresses all sorts of concerns for getting help for your loved one. It also chronicles the struggles of so many who suffer from serious mental illnesses. I find myself reading their stories with sadness. The problems seem so insurmountable. Many refuse treatment, or fail to acknowledge they are ill. The families who participate in the group share their utter frustration at the vicissitudes of the illnesses and their feelings of powerlessness. Sometimes after reading their stories I experience a grief reaction. I recognize their feelings of hopelessness as they deal with their loved ones.


I experienced hopelessness and helplessness while at my most depressed. I was pushing the proverbial boulder up a hill and the boulder kept rolling back and crushing me. My depression for many years was a constant. I lived in a state of grief, despair and a kind of fog. Everything felt heavy, life was a burden too hard to bear. For whatever reason I did not seek to end my life and for that I am grateful. Again, many are not as fortunate.

So what do I do now that I am moving from recovery to wellness? I think I need to recognize that I am lucky. Despite the fact that I have worked hard in recovery there is the "luck of the draw" factor. I am one of the fortunate ones who have responded to treatment and have had support and a track record of successes. Given all that, I believe my response to such luck should be to help those who find themselves still suffering from the symptoms of mental illness. Yes, but for the grace of God go I, but also, it is incumbent of me to reach out to those affected.

I know that my recovery is a fragile thing. Bipolar illness is chronic and cyclical. I may become depressed again. I might experience mania, the drugs may become ineffectual, or I may have a breakthrough of symptoms. It scares me frankly. Yet, I hold on to the hope that I may not experience relapse, and my efforts will produce a sustained period of wellness. And so I move forward, not without fear and trepidation but forward nonetheless.

A way out of the darkness...

I recently joined a support group for families of those affected by mental illness. I am in a unique position in that my brother is bipolar and I am as well. The horror stories that are shared on the site are so familiar. I have lived some of them! However, I am in recovery and on a steady path to wellness. So what is it that has gotten me to this point of stability?

First and foremost, I believe that you cannot do mental illness on your own strength. I make no apologies for "borrowing" from the strength and support of the people in my life. Some days I just can't summon the will to go on, so I call my "go to" loved ones and look for help. There is no shame in admitting that you are not okay, but I believe there is a pile of regret waiting if you do not reach out and act on your emotions.


The fact is, the medical profession is there to help. I know there is a lot of false information out there that implies that all a doctor will do is listen for 10 minutes then medicate. I have not found that to be the case. There are psychiatrists who will spend time and go through the process of finding the right treatments for your mental illness. I found an excellent doctor in Orange County who spends a substantial amount of time and has been with me for 6 years. Yes I had to tweak my meds and find out what worked for me through trial and error, but I think that is the case with any medical condition.


Therapy has been such an important part of my recovery. It is key to find someone who is an objective listener . Someone who is not emotionally invested that you can say anything to. My bipolar disorder is a liar and often tells me I am helpless, hopeless and less then. I have trouble with negative, catastrophic thinking and my therapy has challenged those beliefs and taught me coping skills. It has been invaluable.


Finally, a word about resilience. It is so important to maintain hope and bounce back from setbacks. The bipolar journey is not linear and you will have twists and turns, ups and downs. If you fall, it's okay, but get back up. I firmly believe that life is worth the living, and you have to have a bit of fight in you to survive a mental illness.


If you or a loved one is struggling living with a mental illness I would encourage you to seek help. Go to the medical community, get a psychiatrist and therapist, join a support group, adhere to medications, build a network of support and work on resilience. Above all else don't give up. I am living proof that a person can reach stability and thrive. If it seems impossible to cope, reach out and ask for help! The national suicide number is 1-800-273-8255. Also contact NAMI and get info on how to connect to support and services. It is possible to manage a mental illness, but there is work involved!

Home Sweet Home.

I recently completed a recertification for my apartment. I live in a complex that has 12 units reserved for the mentally ill by the county. After my last episode 7 years ago. I secured this living situation through a group I was with that provided services for those affected by mental illness seeking housing. I had lived in board and care situations for 2 years and was ready for a place of my own.

I am so grateful for my apartment. It is in a lovely section of Irvine in Orange County Ca. It has been a place of healing and grounding for me. I have a job across the street and it is central to where my family is located. It is just a skip away from my parents and sister and easily reached by my sons. It has been a total blessing and I consider myself so fortunate to have it.

Unfortunately the other 11 units are occupied by consumers who aren't doing as well. There are several occupants who have become recluses, emerging from their apartments only occasionally. One tenant is constantly in the throes of his schizophrenia, talking to himself incessantly. I pass his apartment on my walk out of the gate on the way to work and here him arguing with the voices that no doubt torment him. One other, has been transported by ambulance to the hospital more times than I can count. I think that this raises the question of whether independent housing is always the answer for people living with a serious mental illness.

I believe in group housing. There, a consumer has a shot at success because they are supported and have a sense of community. Left to their own devices many who experience the symptoms of serious mental illness do not do well in an independent unit. I have succeeded because of my support system of family, work, and accessing help from a psychiatrist and therapist. There is a representative from the group I was associated with on site. I check in with her and maintain some relationships within the complex.

I don't think my success is to be lauded because in a very real way it has come only because I am fortunate to have become stable. My bipolar disorder is responding well to treatment. Medication, therapy and a constant relationship with my psychiatrist have propelled me to this level. But to be honest, many don't respond as well through no fault of their own. Their illness is treatment resistant and they struggle. Adding the responsibility of maintaining a living space while managing an illness is just too much and they eventually fail.

I believe as state and federal governments seek to solve the problem of housing the homeless mentally ill, they should consider many factors other than the just the lack of units to house them. Substance abuse, medication compliance and the individuals history of managing their illness should all taken into consideration. Simply putting someone who is affected into an apartment is not the answer. Group homes and wraparound services should accompany the solution. It may not be politically correct, but without support very few of the homeless mentally ill will be able to maintain a independent living situation.

Before being hit with my disorder and a divorce, I was a homeowner and knew how to create a home. That is what I have done with my apartment. At first, I decorated with things my best friend gave me. My family kicked in and helped me make things pleasantly livable. Now, every paycheck I get something for the place. They are small improvements, but they matter to me. I have made a healing space for myself and am so thankful for the opportunity to do so. I know however that it would all change if I was irresponsible about my illness or had a change in my stability. So, I hold on for dear life and move forward one step at a time.

It is my hope that all those affected by mental illness get the help they so desperately need and access affordable housing and the means to sustain it. The more services the better and I am a big proponent of spending money on things that matter. Access to care, medication, substance abuse interventions and community based services should all get the attention they deserve. We need to solve the problem, but as a person living with a mental illness, I believe the solution has to take a look at the ability of the person to mange their mental illness. It is a harsh reality, but compliance is a major issue and a deal breaker. All of these factors must be taken into consideration. It is the sensible, compassionate and realistic way to solve the housing crisis.

For the boys...

I used to dread Mother's day. For a major portion of my kid's lives I did not have custody of my children and parented from afar. I was diagnosed with a mental illness way before they were born but was extremely ill during my first borns early years and the first two years of my second son's life. My ex and I eventually divorced and he got physical custody. I kept involved in their lives by phone calls, visitations and family events. But it was never enough. I was consumed by grief at the loss and for many years celebrated Mother's day in a funk.


Now that my boys are grown they have become a part of my life in a big way. My oldest Jake is recently married and now I have a daughter in law, Julie! Danny is in college and works and is involved with Young Life. I talk to them frequently, they both live close, and I see them often. The days of arranging to see them are over and I have entered a new phase in my life with them. The grief that so often accompanied my dealings with them is gone and has been replaced by an excitement of things that are happening and hope for the future. Mother's day this year is going to be sweet!


I am so grateful for the way things have turned out. For many years I didn't think I could endure the separations, the missed events and opportunities to be with my sons. I hung in there for dear life and have come to this place as a result of just waiting things out. Time really does heal wounds! It took the boys becoming adults with their own cars, decisions and agendas to come to our current relationships. I am so glad I didn't give up and saw things through to this point!

Danny, Julie and Jake!

Now that I am stable, I look forward to my future with the boys. It is clear to me now that my mental illness does not have to dominate my relationship with them. I believe , in fact, that they are better men because of having a Mom who lives with a disorder. They are compassionate, loving and caring in their dealings with others and very supportive of my journey. I couldn't ask for a better outcome to a story that was fraught with pain and difficulty.


I am so grateful this Mother's day for my children and my own Mom, but I know this day can be difficult and painful for many. I am fortunate to still have my Mom, but others have lost theirs due to illness, emotional distance or even mental illness. I hope that if you are reading this and live with a mental illness and are a Mom, you will find help and healing. If you are struggling this Mother's day, you can contact NAMI and find support groups where you can find understanding and support. If you need to talk to someone you can also call a NAMI warm line. Also, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255.  You will find help if you are suicidal or in emotional distress. Please reach out and get the help you need!

Be Happy NOW!!!

Happiness is a tricky subject. We all pursue happiness, sometimes we gain it but often times it is elusive. If you are bipolar, happiness can seem like an unreachable destination, but I am here to tell you it is possible to be happy in spite of a mental illness diagnosis.

For many years I suffered from crippling bipolar depression. Everyday was a struggle to just keep breathing and carry on. Many of my life events were tainted with sadness because I felt I should be happy but I was experiencing painful symptoms. My depression dominated my thinking and I lived in a negative, dark and dreary place in my mind. It was near impossible to participate in life because my brain was sick, disorienting me and making me slow, sad, dispirited, and disheartened. Physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted, I finally reached a breaking point in 2011 and was admitted to a hospital. I stayed 9 months.

My 2011 break was the worst one I have ever had. It totally wiped me out. I left the hospital in a funk , not even recovered, and proceeded to try to get my life back. It has taken 8 years to recover from that breakdown. During that time I have had some blips, but have not cycled in and out of mania and depression. I credit this to quality care, the support of family and friends and my innate desire to get well! 

There are several reasons I think I  have been able to recover. I see a psychiatrist regularly, not just when symptoms occur. I am on a strict medication routine and have adhered to it regardless of how I feel. (I take my meds even when I am feeling better!) I see a therapist and talk about my feelings and struggles. I rely on my support people to give me feed back on how I am doing and unashamedly ask for help when I need it. 

Diet, activity, exercise mindfulness, faith and self-care are all components to a wellness plan. I am working on some of these and doing better in some areas than in others. I haven't yet reached total success in some, but I am moving forward and learning new ways achieve my goals. 

Perseverance is the most important key to my rise out of the darkness. I have had to set my mind on moving forward despite symptoms, med changes and everyday life frustrations. Depression tends to kill your motivation but I feel that it is essential to find something to hold onto in order to pull yourself up out of the madness. Some people look to their children as motivation to hold on and keep going. I am guilty of this and looking to other loved ones, borrowing from their strength

and hope. I do this without apology. Rather than thinking I am a burden I remind myself that when I am engaged in life I can give back as much as I recieved. In fact , when I am well, it is my intention to give back above and beyond what is deserved. 

I have decided recently to choose happiness in spite of circumstances. I choose to be happy now even when trying to obtain wellness and achieve the goals I have set. I am not going to wait to until I am stronger, thinner, richer, faster, smarter, problem free, (you get it!) to be happy!

Happiness for me is that feeling of contentment, peace, and well-being that only comes when I am settled and stable. I can honestly say that I am getting to a place where I can launch from stability into the next level of wellness. Like everyone else, I have "issues" that need addressing that were often overlooked because of the overriding depression and mania's in my journey. The next level for me is taking a fierce inventory and see where I am at compared to where I want to go. I look forward to gaining momentum and achieving some goals. Yes, i have a ways to go, but I look forward to the challenge!

Walking the fine line....

Balance. It's hard for me as a bipolar person to experience balance. I experience things mostly on the extremes on the spectrum of life. On the one end I am depressed and things are muted, in a shade of grey. During a depression I am overly contemplative, given to sorrow and catastrophic thinking. On the other side, I am manic. The world is vivid, my decisions and actions come rapid fire and I am euphoric; my thinking is grandiose. Mania is addicting, it feels wonderful but in my case escalates quickly into psychosis. My equilibrium is totally thrown off as I bounce from one mood to another. Moderation, self-control, steadiness and stability have not been hallmarks of my journey!

Stability had been elusive in my bipolar experience until the last 2 or 3 years. It has been 8 years since my last hospitalization and I have been steady in my progress since. My doctor in the hospital spent a lot of time with me and prescribed Invega to allieviate the symptoms of mania. I am on Abilify also and receive a shot every two months. Because my struggle is predominantly with depression, I am currently on Aplenzin. I have read and heard that antidepressants can throw you into mania but that has not been the case with me. I would say that I have finally achieved the beginnings of stability.

Balance and stability are foreign to me. Depression is, in a weird way comfortable. I am a ruminator and a contemplative person by nature, so when depression hits it's not that foreign. I read a lot, overthink and slip into my old standby, worrying. I isolate and view life from afar but engage with loved ones just enough to worry about them. My thinking is dominated by concerns for the future and in the meantime my present is lived in a fog of anxiety and regret. Mania however is very uncomfortable. I get aggitated and am easily irritated. My speech is rapid, my thoughts race. My mind is in constant "go mode", and i go through endless to do lists. Grandiosity is the next to follow and finally sleep goes out the window! I spin into psychosis eventually and then I am quite literally "gone".

For me, reaching a point of stability was a huge effort. I didn't know how to operate without a dominating depression and couldn't function within the manic state. There is the cliche that you get a lot done when manic, but the truth is most of it is irrelevant activity that is not focused or useful. It is just busywork, undirected and unproductive. Depression is a life killer, so not a lot gets done. Time slips away with goals unrealized and personal growth thwarted. Both states negatively impact the progression of your life. I have learned that stability is the only state in which you can approach and maintain a healthy life.

A huge part my recovery and quest for balance has been my faith. Today is Easter, a very important day in my belief system. It is a day of celebration of the hope of eternal life and resurrection. I base my life upon these principles and the tenants of Christianity and they have saved my life. I believe that I do not suffer alone, that there is hope for recovery and a promise of a meaningful life here and into eternity. It is hope that has returned balance to my life and a faith in the tender mercies of God that has restored my sanity. I am grateful and working on being humble and kind because of the blessings I have received. Yes, it has been a difficult and non-linear road to this point but I am alive and now well.

I acknowledge that I still have work to do to achieve balance and then success. I am hopeful though that i will do what is necessary to achieve it. Perhaps the greatest asset I possess is the presence of people in my support system who are willing and courageous enough to tell me where I need to improve. I take their advice and act on it because it makes sense and comes from a place of caring. So, with their help and a solid hope, I move forward on the tightrope of manic-depression knowing that I don't walk alone. Step by step I am moving forward in a positive direction. Happy Easter!