Happy Thanksgiving!

I am so excited for Thanksgiving! My son Danny is visiting and I have him all to myself for 5 days. We are doing all the traditional Thanksgiving things, big family dinner, Friday shopping , football watching and leftovers. I am playing golf with him on Saturday. He is the light of my life and along with his brother Jake make living all the more sweeter.

It has not always been this way. I divorced 14 years ago and lost custody of both boys. I was extremely ill with bipolar disorder at the time of our separation and was in a foundation for the mentally ill for the four years until the divorce. Having custody was out of the question. I lived in an independent living situation, so both logistically and financially my ex-husband was the logical choice to raise my boys. The judge took into consideration my illness and awarded my ex with physical custody and the both of us with legal. I didn't feel at the time that there was any injustice to it all. In fact I was relieved to have my son's with their father. He is a good man and loves his boys. The whole thing was tragic and though I grieved the loss, I set out to find a way to be the best mom I could be given the situation.

For a long time it was difficult to make the visitations go well.The boys were reeling from the divorce and the loss of the everyday presence of their mother. My bipolar disorder continued to ravage my life and it was an effort to be stable enough to assure them that I could be there for them. It took a lot of healing and healing takes time.

My youngest Danny boy is 15 and Jake is 22. It seems like yesterday when I moved out and started this whole journey. Time does heal but it leaves a gaping hole of what if's and if I could onlys. They were 2 and 8 at the time of the divorce and I ache inside to think of the things I have missed. It still hurts as much today as it did back then. I grieve my loss but at the same time am grateful for the relationship (though not typical) we have today.

My boys and I were dealt a tough hand but I think we are playing it well. We talk on the phone constantly and see each other whenever their schedule and my health allow. It is extremely important that I do everything in my power to stay stable so that we can maintain a consistent relationship. Bipolar can destroy families and though ours was broken, I can still resolve to not let it do any more damage. When I am stable and healthy I can participate in their lives and not be an absent mom.

I think they are happy and healthy. I think the circumstances of their lives have made them more empathetic than they might have been otherwise. We all appreciate what we do have and even though it's a battle we capitalize on our blessings while focusing on the moments we have together.

When it is all said and done I don't know what kind of a mother I will be considered. I know one thing I know for sure, I don't want bipolar disorder to define me nor do I want to give it power over my relationships.
Yes I suffer from an illness but I am like every other mother this Thanksgiving. I am so grateful for my sons and all the blessings we are receiving. They are healthy, happy and very much loved. I am so fortunate and in light of all my blessings feel more like an overcomer of an illness rather than a victim. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy the holiday season as much as I do!!

Bipolar strategies...

My first depressive episode happened when I was fifteen. My family had just moved to California and I was feeling out of place. I was an East Coast girl trying to fit into Southern California high school. Tough! I had difficulty adjusting and consequently started to isolate. I spent long hours reading and essentially hibernating in my room. I don't know if this was a reaction to the move or the start of my mental illness . I think a little of both. Perhaps the stress of life events triggered my first bout. Whatever it was, the episodes became more frequent and more severe.

The only thing that saved me during that time was golf. It consumed me. I started to get out of my room and onto the sunlight golf courses. I practiced despite the depression and found some peace on the links. I loved the strategy involved in navigating a golf course and looking back it was a distraction from what was going on inside my head. Off the course I was given to dark moods. On the course  I felt lighter. The sun, the sky, the green fairways all helped me escape the experience of depression. It just lost some of it's power when I was hitting a ball!

Golf taught me a lot of valuable lessons during this period of time,one being how to get out of trouble. It has served me well in my fight mental illness. On the golf course you are going to eventually hit the ball into trouble. It's almost inevitable. Just like in my life I found myself in some difficult places. The trick was not to get upset, figure a way to get out and avoid doing it again. The same goes for depression. I just refuse to believe that you have to be stuck in an episode. I know the feeling of being overwhelmed and trapped into feeling hopeless, but I have to believe that you can fight your way out of it.

Fighting your way out of it is not a popular strategy. Many in the mental health community would say that it is unrealistic to expect that of someone who is ill. I know how it feels to be severely depressed and more often then not medication was the primary response. I couldn't fight because I was not able not unwilling. Once medicated however, I believe I had a responsibility to manage my mental illness,and I could do it by having a plan of attack .

My first move is to enlist the help of a psychiatrist. You simply have to believe that what you are experiencing is an illness and you are in need medical help. Bipolar disorder is a medical illness.You need a professional on your team. In golf you need a specialist as well .A teaching pro serves a s a second pair of eyeballs. He can tell you what you are doing right and correct what you are doing wrong. Same with a psychiatrist. He can diagnose you properly and prescribe the right medication to alleviate your symptoms.

I see a psychologist. Talking to someone about your emotions is key. From sharing what is going right and what is going wrong you can gain the perspective of another. Allying yourself with a competent therapist boosts your chances of success in your battle. Gaining the perspective of another will help you avoid pitfalls in the future.Talking about how you are managing your illness may also reveal what you are doing right so you can incorporate the behavior in your struggle. Look at your therapist as a teammate. They are there to help you chart a course. My teammates in golf often pointed out details of the golf course I didn't or couldn't see. Taking their advice helped me avoid danger and saved me strokes. Your trusted therapist can help you see the obstacles in your life and save you time and energy.

Enlist the help of others! Don't isolate! You will often need help an it is ok to want to share your struggles with others. I learned a lot from my fellow golf competitors. I observed their approach to the game and tried to incorporate their strengths into my game. I now have many friends and family members who are stronger and wiser than I . I am not beneath enlisting their help and assistance. A support group will also help you in the same way.You can hear and see first hand what otheres who share your struggle are doing right. You can gain the experience and insight of others who have truly walked in your shoes!

Finally, know your enemy! A round of golf is built on strategy. After you figure out how a course is designed you can navigate it wisely and avoid trouble. A life managing a chronic illness also demands a strategy. Know where your trouble lies.! For example, if you are prone to depression during the winter months, repeat steps 1 and 2 over and over again ! Have a list of goals and  a to do list that will keep you on track and motivated. If your simplest accomplishment when in episode is to take a shower , write that down and check it off daily. You have achieved something!

Don't take episodes lying down in your battle against mental illness.Have the pluck to fight! Go into the  struggle with a sustainable strategy.

True grit...

Depression is a black hole. It  sucks the life out of you. There is no way in the midst of a dark depression to actively manage your life. All the joy is taken out of every experience. It is debilitating. The worst part of depression for me is that it is like an internal hell. You can see other people living their life, but inside you feel like you are in a prison. I get very quiet, pensive and self absorbed. I would scream but even that would take too much energy!

After the most recent episode of depression I had had it.I honestly didn't think I would survive another one without my spirit breaking. I was devastated, disgusted and most of all afraid. I was afraid because this time I went silent. I was quiet enough to have those closest to me notice and comment. I think they were afraid too! I didn't hide my feelings of despair very well. My personality(what was left of it) evaporated. The weird thing is I knew I had gone missing. In my head I wanted to participate but I couldn't summon the energy to. Feeling dead inside is a terrifying experience. I think I was so quiet because deep down I was horrified. I couldn't stand myself. I wasn't surprised when others commented on my condition. It was so obvious that I was struggling and I too had lost all patience. 

After feeling that way for the entire summer, I realized that I had to develop a new strategy for managing my illness. It could and probably would happen again.I was doing a lot right, seeing a psychiatrist, a psychologist, enlisting the help of others and educating myself as to the nature of the illness. One thing I didn't have was a plan for the next one. I needed an emergency go to list. Not only would I have to ask help of others, I had to ask more of myself. I read about unyielding courage in others, now I had to develop that trait in myself. Grit, determination, the to resolve to fight on were attitudes that I had to incorporate into my life.

It's the simple things that ignite determination.When I am depressed I am apt to do nothing.The neat time around I am going to fight for things to be different.I will take simple steps to maximize my chances of beating the feelings of hopelessness.First I will have a simple plan for everyday.When I say simple I mean very simple. Maintaining a schedule of self care (showering, sleeping, eating healthy, walking) aren't going to be options, they will be must dos. My plan includes not only the accomplishment of the simple activities of daily living, but also an effort to go beyond them. I will set goals that during that time might be a stretch. At a time when I might want to just crawl into bed, I will extend myself.I'll make plans and stick to them. Instead of sinking into the dark pit, I will immediateley let my psychiatrist know whats's going on. She can determine if I need an adjustment in medication while my psychologist may request an adjustment in attittude. It will take unyielding courage to fight the next depression. Who knows, maybe the next one will never come if I pre-empt it with these plans! This time I am not going to let it sneak up on me, I'll be ready for it.

I don't think that courage comes naturally, especially when faced with a chronic illness. Things happen to us that are beyond our capability to handle or even understand. I think that it is only when you get into the fight for your life that you learn courage. Depression is a formidable foe, so I am learning to battle it on my terms. I don't apologize for feeding off the energy of others. I need help and I am not too proud to seek it. I also have a basic stubbornness that has developed into a plan to combat the effects of depression. I  cannot live through another summer suffering from an unchallenged episode. I am determined to put up a fight even if the odds are against me. If another episode comes at least I'll be prepared and willing to egage in the battle!  

Acceptance..

There were times when I didn't take my meds. I remember in my 20's my mother counting my lithium pills and then confronting me because it was obvious I had been skipping. Not only did I hate the side effects of medication, I hated the daily reminder that I had had a manic episode. Every time I took my meds I thought of how horrible the whole "bipolar thing" was. Not only did I not want to take the drugs, I didn't want to deal with the illness in any way. I didn't think I was ill despite all evidence to the contrary.

This is the stuff that made my parents,friends and loved ones exasperated. After all, my life was damaged because of the episodes. I lost my golf scholarship after my Freshman year due to a manic episode .For the next two years I reluctantly went into treatment, but not long after returning to golf, I went off my meds. So a pattern started establishing itself. I'd take meds when sick but as soon as I was feeling better I would stop. I hated the dark depressions and was more than willing to be medicated out of that kind of pain. I loved the highs of mania and could care less about taking my lithium while episodic. I suffered episode after episode because of this approach to my diagnosis. 

Recently I read a book by Dr. Xavier Amador called "I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Your Help". It is an excellent read. In it he explains that many bipolars suffer from anosognosia. Anosognosia is a malfunction in the frontal lobe which prevents some from recognizing they are ill. This causes them to refuse treatment that can restore them to sanity. My non compliance then was not so strange. It took the intervention of my family and the total collapse of my life to get serious about mental illness.

 I don't have this symptom anymore.The consistent taking of my meds is probably the reason why. My insight into my own illness is very good and I seek treatment now. I want to get better and I know that I am very ill when not on my medications. I see a psychiatrist, and a therapist. I enlist the help of others.Yet for all the talk of anosognosia I can't help but think my non compliance was also a a result of denial. I didn't want to face the fact that I had a brain disease. It was just too terrible. "How would I live and cope?" "What would others think of me?" I didn't want to be labelled as crazy, because in my mind it was the worst of fates.   

I would have saved myself a lot of time and pain if I had taken my mental illness seriously when I was young.The more episodes you have the worse they get and the harder they are to recover from. I have been hospitalized too many times and spent too much time sick.
If I had accepted my diagnosis and was willing to receive help, I don't think my most recent episodes would have been so severe.

 I have learned a lot about mental illness through trial and error and yes, failure! I hope in this blog I can share what I have learned and help others. Maybe you won't have to go through something by learning from my mistakes . Bottom line, I want to share my experience in order to assist others on their journey through the maze of mental illness.

New perspectives..

I went to the psychiatrist today. I have been to the clinic many times and never noticed a few things. On this visit I was especially taken aback by the other clients. One woman sat by her grocery cart and smoked cigarettes one after another waiting for her appointment. Another man walked incessantly around the office in a circle muttering to himself. Still another leaned up against a pillar chain smoking and having a conversation with no one in particular. It freaked me out. It is not that there weren't any "normal" people around, it was their stark contrast that made these clients so visible. It really shook me up. How did they get to this point? Were they homeless? Were they taking their medication, or worse still, were they taking their medication and they didn't work? Was I in the same boat? Was I one of them?

All of us have an idea of what a mentally ill person looks like. Sterotypes abound. A deranged look, a unkempt appearance, the look of homelessness. The clients I saw today fit the stereotypes and more. I had the worst reaction. I wanted to run out of the office. I was repulsed, I was upset, I was afraid. And for all my talk of stigma and tolerance, I didn't want to be associated with this group. I was afraid  I was just like them and the horrifying answer to my fear was that in some ways I am.


Granted I don't look mentally ill. Now. When in the hospital it was a different story. I began my hospitalization wearing a hospital gown and graduated to sweats and a tee shirt. My hair was a mess, (no blow dryers or mirrors ina psych ward!) I had a shuffle from the effects of the anti-psychotics,  and I had the look of someone lost in a psychotic episode. Granted all of that has changed, but the memory is still there and it haunts  me. I was in the same shape as the people I saw today and even worse. I had no right to judge today but I still did. I'm as prone to stigmatizing as anyone despite having the illness.

 It really bothers me that I belong to a group that looks acts and presents itself like the sterotypical mentally ill. I want to identify with the celebrities and brilliant people who have shared my struggle. Yet I can't get away from those who suffer in the most horrible and visible of ways. I was there. I know how it looks and feels. Perhaps I am terrified that I will return to that state. That's probobly it. But when I see the condition of the people I encountered today, I cringe. In spite of my stance on education, inclusion and tolerance, my reaction is the same as one who has never encountered the mentally ill, even though I see the face of mental illness  in the mirror every day.

As I went through my day today, I remained disturbed by my doctors visit. I finally accepted the fact that I was upset because seeing those clients hit so close to home. I am them. Yes I 've cleaned up, am medicated, stable and not symptomatic. However , it was not long ago that I looked and acted like the severly affected. The lesson I learned today was that I am not as wise as I thought I was. I am as capable of ignorance as anyone else. I need to continue to educate myself about illnesses such as bipolar and schizophrenia so I won't be as frightened when I see the symptoms in another.

Most importantly I need to learn compassion. I have empathy, I know what it feels like to be ill, to have others judge you and to feel the sting of stigma. Yet I still need to learn compassion by improving my response to the  mentally ill by reaching out to others who like myself, suffer. It is my hope that this blog helps others either suffering from a mental illness or those who are dealing with an affected loved one,
colleage or friend. I learned alot today. I hope it translates to action on my part. I need to help those who have walked in my shoes regardless of how they act and look. I like many others in our society have a long way to go.

It is officially my favorite time of year. Unlike most bipolars I struggle with my illnesss in the summer months and do well during the winter. The winter months are usually tough for people struggling with a mental illness but that just doesn't seem to be the case for me.

I think the reason I do so well during the holiday months is the availability of distraction. What I mean is there are so many opportunities to focus on things other than my mental illness. When the holidays roll around I can really get into the spirit of the season. Thanksgiving truely is a time of gratitude and I can shift my focus onto what has gone right for me. Christmas is a time when I can focus on the meaning of the season and what I can give to others.

It is important for me to focus on things other than my diagnosis. Although I pay careful attention to my illness, I often need to get out of my own way by getting "out of my head". Frankly, sometimes it is overwhelming to have to pay such close attention to your mental state. Getting out of my own head means noticing the little things in my life and being grateful for the big things. I am grateful for the possibility that I have a good chance at wellness in the future. I am aware of how cool it is to enjoy the holidays and participate.

Participation is the key for me. There have been so many times I have not been able to. Depression isolates a person from all that is going on around you. Mania, in my case is so severe that I end up in the hospital and miss large chunks of my life.So, when I can be present it is a gift. During this time of year I can actively join in the celebration of the season.

 I do have to be careful and watch for manic symptoms during this period of time. I watch my sleep patterns and note any drastic changes.Rather than relying on my own opinion I ask those around me to monitor my behavior and let me know how I am doing. Keeping a close working relationship with my psychiatrist and therapist during these months is essential. I can keep communicate to them my challenges and concerns and get the help I need before things get out of hand.

I hope the months of November and December go well for me this year.I am confident that with the help of professionals and my loved ones I will be able to stay well and really enjoy them!

High flying.

"High flying" is another expession for bipolar mania. When manic, the world speeds up. You talk more ,spend more, emote more. Basically you are more. More, more , more. To some, you will be too much and eventually you will become too much for even yourself.



Mania is intoxicating and it is no wonder that some bipolars become addicted to the high. You feel on top of the world. Words and ideas flow. The world around you seems ripe for the picking. Thoughts are rapid and everything you can think of is attainable. The downside is mania can spiral into psychosis. For me, this is a short trip. My thoughts and actions go out of control. In the last episode I quit my job thinking I had more "important" work to do, yet I couldn't tell you what that work entailed. It's a exhilirating feeling to manic but the ultimate consequence is disaster in both decision making, daily living and life choices.



During this season, (fall and winter) I have to be especially vigilant about my mental illness. If I am going to go manic it is during this season. I love the holidays but have to be careful that I don't love them too much! The hustle and bustle , the spending, the celebrations, all combine to key me up.



 Although I have spent the holidays manic and sometimes in a hospital for manic psychosis, I look forward to the holidays this year. I am in a good place.I am happy but not too happy. My moods are stable, not too high and not too low. It's a desirable state of being and I am looking forward to spending the season this way. Stability is the goal. Thank God I am finally attaining it!

The Exercise That Could End Your Suffering | Super Soul Sunday | Oprah W... A very interesting discusion on what it means to embrace suffering and manage the emotions that come along with it.