Acceptance..

There were times when I didn't take my meds. I remember in my 20's my mother counting my lithium pills and then confronting me because it was obvious I had been skipping. Not only did I hate the side effects of medication, I hated the daily reminder that I had had a manic episode. Every time I took my meds I thought of how horrible the whole "bipolar thing" was. Not only did I not want to take the drugs, I didn't want to deal with the illness in any way. I didn't think I was ill despite all evidence to the contrary.

This is the stuff that made my parents,friends and loved ones exasperated. After all, my life was damaged because of the episodes. I lost my golf scholarship after my Freshman year due to a manic episode .For the next two years I reluctantly went into treatment, but not long after returning to golf, I went off my meds. So a pattern started establishing itself. I'd take meds when sick but as soon as I was feeling better I would stop. I hated the dark depressions and was more than willing to be medicated out of that kind of pain. I loved the highs of mania and could care less about taking my lithium while episodic. I suffered episode after episode because of this approach to my diagnosis. 

Recently I read a book by Dr. Xavier Amador called "I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Your Help". It is an excellent read. In it he explains that many bipolars suffer from anosognosia. Anosognosia is a malfunction in the frontal lobe which prevents some from recognizing they are ill. This causes them to refuse treatment that can restore them to sanity. My non compliance then was not so strange. It took the intervention of my family and the total collapse of my life to get serious about mental illness.

 I don't have this symptom anymore.The consistent taking of my meds is probably the reason why. My insight into my own illness is very good and I seek treatment now. I want to get better and I know that I am very ill when not on my medications. I see a psychiatrist, and a therapist. I enlist the help of others.Yet for all the talk of anosognosia I can't help but think my non compliance was also a a result of denial. I didn't want to face the fact that I had a brain disease. It was just too terrible. "How would I live and cope?" "What would others think of me?" I didn't want to be labelled as crazy, because in my mind it was the worst of fates.   

I would have saved myself a lot of time and pain if I had taken my mental illness seriously when I was young.The more episodes you have the worse they get and the harder they are to recover from. I have been hospitalized too many times and spent too much time sick.
If I had accepted my diagnosis and was willing to receive help, I don't think my most recent episodes would have been so severe.

 I have learned a lot about mental illness through trial and error and yes, failure! I hope in this blog I can share what I have learned and help others. Maybe you won't have to go through something by learning from my mistakes . Bottom line, I want to share my experience in order to assist others on their journey through the maze of mental illness.