After the most recent episode of depression I had had it.I honestly didn't think I would survive another one without my spirit breaking. I was devastated, disgusted and most of all afraid. I was afraid because this time I went silent. I was quiet enough to have those closest to me notice and comment. I think they were afraid too! I didn't hide my feelings of despair very well. My personality(what was left of it) evaporated. The weird thing is I knew I had gone missing. In my head I wanted to participate but I couldn't summon the energy to. Feeling dead inside is a terrifying experience. I think I was so quiet because deep down I was horrified. I couldn't stand myself. I wasn't surprised when others commented on my condition. It was so obvious that I was struggling and I too had lost all patience.
After feeling that way for the entire summer, I realized that I had to develop a new strategy for managing my illness. It could and probably would happen again.I was doing a lot right, seeing a psychiatrist, a psychologist, enlisting the help of others and educating myself as to the nature of the illness. One thing I didn't have was a plan for the next one. I needed an emergency go to list. Not only would I have to ask help of others, I had to ask more of myself. I read about unyielding courage in others, now I had to develop that trait in myself. Grit, determination, the to resolve to fight on were attitudes that I had to incorporate into my life.
It's the simple things that ignite determination.When I am depressed I am apt to do nothing.The neat time around I am going to fight for things to be different.I will take simple steps to maximize my chances of beating the feelings of hopelessness.First I will have a simple plan for everyday.When I say simple I mean very simple. Maintaining a schedule of self care (showering, sleeping, eating healthy, walking) aren't going to be options, they will be must dos. My plan includes not only the accomplishment of the simple activities of daily living, but also an effort to go beyond them. I will set goals that during that time might be a stretch. At a time when I might want to just crawl into bed, I will extend myself.I'll make plans and stick to them. Instead of sinking into the dark pit, I will immediateley let my psychiatrist know whats's going on. She can determine if I need an adjustment in medication while my psychologist may request an adjustment in attittude. It will take unyielding courage to fight the next depression. Who knows, maybe the next one will never come if I pre-empt it with these plans! This time I am not going to let it sneak up on me, I'll be ready for it.
I don't think that courage comes naturally, especially when faced with a chronic illness. Things happen to us that are beyond our capability to handle or even understand. I think that it is only when you get into the fight for your life that you learn courage. Depression is a formidable foe, so I am learning to battle it on my terms. I don't apologize for feeding off the energy of others. I need help and I am not too proud to seek it. I also have a basic stubbornness that has developed into a plan to combat the effects of depression. I cannot live through another summer suffering from an unchallenged episode. I am determined to put up a fight even if the odds are against me. If another episode comes at least I'll be prepared and willing to egage in the battle! 
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