New perspectives..

I went to the psychiatrist today. I have been to the clinic many times and never noticed a few things. On this visit I was especially taken aback by the other clients. One woman sat by her grocery cart and smoked cigarettes one after another waiting for her appointment. Another man walked incessantly around the office in a circle muttering to himself. Still another leaned up against a pillar chain smoking and having a conversation with no one in particular. It freaked me out. It is not that there weren't any "normal" people around, it was their stark contrast that made these clients so visible. It really shook me up. How did they get to this point? Were they homeless? Were they taking their medication, or worse still, were they taking their medication and they didn't work? Was I in the same boat? Was I one of them?

All of us have an idea of what a mentally ill person looks like. Sterotypes abound. A deranged look, a unkempt appearance, the look of homelessness. The clients I saw today fit the stereotypes and more. I had the worst reaction. I wanted to run out of the office. I was repulsed, I was upset, I was afraid. And for all my talk of stigma and tolerance, I didn't want to be associated with this group. I was afraid  I was just like them and the horrifying answer to my fear was that in some ways I am.


Granted I don't look mentally ill. Now. When in the hospital it was a different story. I began my hospitalization wearing a hospital gown and graduated to sweats and a tee shirt. My hair was a mess, (no blow dryers or mirrors ina psych ward!) I had a shuffle from the effects of the anti-psychotics,  and I had the look of someone lost in a psychotic episode. Granted all of that has changed, but the memory is still there and it haunts  me. I was in the same shape as the people I saw today and even worse. I had no right to judge today but I still did. I'm as prone to stigmatizing as anyone despite having the illness.

 It really bothers me that I belong to a group that looks acts and presents itself like the sterotypical mentally ill. I want to identify with the celebrities and brilliant people who have shared my struggle. Yet I can't get away from those who suffer in the most horrible and visible of ways. I was there. I know how it looks and feels. Perhaps I am terrified that I will return to that state. That's probobly it. But when I see the condition of the people I encountered today, I cringe. In spite of my stance on education, inclusion and tolerance, my reaction is the same as one who has never encountered the mentally ill, even though I see the face of mental illness  in the mirror every day.

As I went through my day today, I remained disturbed by my doctors visit. I finally accepted the fact that I was upset because seeing those clients hit so close to home. I am them. Yes I 've cleaned up, am medicated, stable and not symptomatic. However , it was not long ago that I looked and acted like the severly affected. The lesson I learned today was that I am not as wise as I thought I was. I am as capable of ignorance as anyone else. I need to continue to educate myself about illnesses such as bipolar and schizophrenia so I won't be as frightened when I see the symptoms in another.

Most importantly I need to learn compassion. I have empathy, I know what it feels like to be ill, to have others judge you and to feel the sting of stigma. Yet I still need to learn compassion by improving my response to the  mentally ill by reaching out to others who like myself, suffer. It is my hope that this blog helps others either suffering from a mental illness or those who are dealing with an affected loved one,
colleage or friend. I learned alot today. I hope it translates to action on my part. I need to help those who have walked in my shoes regardless of how they act and look. I like many others in our society have a long way to go.