Breakfast....

Today was a big day. It started out with breakfast with my mom and sister. For 2 hours we sat in a Newport beach cafe' and talked and talked.  For the first time in a long time I was able to participate without escaping into my own head. What's more, I didn't want to escape. I enjoyed the moment! What a relief it e was to be engaged. When I "run Silent" it is excruciating.  When depressed I get quiet, very quiet! Not only is it evident to those around me, but it is also something I notice myself .  I notice how uncomfortable I am with not saying anything. I notice how distant and removed I am from the conversation. I am in another place, locked in my own brain.

 No doubt this accomplishment is due in part to a med change. I am feeling so much better and am seeing improvement week to week. However I did try a new trick for breakfast this morning. What I did was beforehand, imagined the conversations that might take place and practice my responses to them. I also thought about what I might say. What would I "Bring to the table. Not only did it work it gave me the confidence to trust my ability to engage, even if it did take a little work.

Having bipolar illness IS hard work. I truly believe it is worth the effort though. Living is hard work for all of us, regardless of a mental illness or not. Living is especially sweet when you do have a mental illness and manage it with a few tricks up your sleeve. Today was a good day. Thank God, here's to more!

For the love of Danny...

My youngest sons birthday is this Friday. He will be 15 and I can't believe it. Time flies. He lives with his father . At the time of our divorce I was very ill with my bipolar disorder and he got custody.  It has been excruciating at times to be separated from them. Most of the time it's just a dull ache that I feel whenever I think of them.

I have missed so much in their lives. I resent the time lost and I especially resent the illness for stealing that time. Bipolar disorder is a bitch. It not only affects you, it affects those you love . When Danny visits I will be on alert to be in the moment. I tend to space out since my episode. I don't want to give him the impression that I am sick. No full disclosure here! I want to protect him from the consequences of my mental illness. I know that many would say I need to be honest with him. I have told him I have an Illness and he knows it is the main reason for the divorce and the subsequent custody arrangement. Yet, I still see fear in his eyes when I seem to him to be down. He needs his mother to be present.

If a visit doesn't go well I have tremendous guilt. I try so hard to be present and engaged but sometimes my efforts fall flat .I love my son. I want him to think that his mother thought enough of him to fight an illness that so often destroys relationships. Staying in the present is tough for me. I tend to drift and get in my own head. I am consciously trying to concentrate on the here and now and it's starting to catch on .I can't let this illness win. My son is a great motivation to live on. 

It's hot here in Orange County California.  However it seems that summertime is my time for depression to kick in. I don't know why my hardest time is summer, what I do know is that after a summer of struggling, I usually snap out of  it and have a manic episode. It is such a relief to get over the funk of depression that maybe I am catapulted into a manic state.

It all happens slowly. The months of May through August are slow, tedious and cruel. It is the opposite of what most people experience. It is the norm that people experience mania in the summer and depression in the winter. For some reason I am turned around. My manic episodes have all been in late August and the early fall. I am so relieved that the depression is over that I go into a hypomanic state.(a little manic) It slowly turns into full blown mania often resulting in psychosis.

I wonder if anyone else experiences these seasonal shifts in mood. Comments would sure be appreciated!

Meds...

I recently went on a new medicine called Lexipro. I am adding it to my already numerous cocktail of meds. I have always been open to med changes especially when depressed. I would do anything to snap out of a funk.



This time was different though. I am wary, I am scared. My last episode was so debilitating that any change is fraught with fear. It was a manic episode and this is my first bout of depression since the episode ended. I hope the meds work. Coupled with therapy I hope I can get through this. Does anyone out there experience the same fear?



When I get depressed I am reminded how tricky of a deal this illness is. My chemistry is hard wired and I don't know if this med change will work. I have put my life in the hands of psychiatrists and I hope that is a good decision. I am still like so many others who gulp down their meds reluctantly. I hate having a daily reminder that I have this damned illness. I swallow the meds and hope for a good outcome. That's a lot of trust. But there is not a single time where I don't wish I never had this disease. I hate the side effects of the meds. It too is a daily reminder of the extent  of my illness

I am hoping things will work out . I am hoping this depression lifts. If meds do the trick, Hallelujah! If not I will continue to fight it.  Life is worth it even if it comes with a few side effects.

Running on empty...

In my struggles with bipolar disorder I sometimes come to a point where my tank reads empty. I struggle so hard to stay stable that I run out of energy and sometimes the will ro carry on. I have found that getting away isn't a way out of your problems, but it's sometimes the healthiest thing you can do.

Perspective. Isn't life all about that? How you percieve you troubles often dictates your actions. Taking a break from your daily grind affords you the perspective you need to come back and tackle your problems.

My get away is La Quinta Ca. I love the desert beauty,the palms, the serenity. My best friend lives there and I stay with her and her husband. During my stays I get to put into perspective all of my concerns. I write them down and try to figure out(with the help of distance), solutions. I also ask for advice from my friend on how to tackle some problems. Advice from a friend can help you see things from a different angle. Solutions that escaped your notice may make themselves known.

Escape from reality is not healthy,but a break from the struggle may be just the thing. It doesn't have to be a long break,maybe just a small trip. Even a visit to the beach or a walk on a trail can allow you to get outside of yourself. I even need a break from me!!!!!!!

Never a dull moment....

When you have bipolar disorder there is never a dull moment. One day up next day down,there is no way to approach the day in the same way. The very nature of the illness is a mind in flux. So how do you face the day if you are feeling manic. What if you are too depressed to even get out of bed?

One way I have learned to balance out my life is to find constants that anchor the soul. Whether it be love of family, a partner or the quest for faith, you have to find something to live for. In this way , whether up or down you can cling to a very real thing and allow it to balance you.

Go to your go tos. When you are manic,  contact a health care provider. Have a support team in place that can tell when you are not yourself. They can help you get the assistance you need. The same goes for depression. Seek help in all circumstances! Don't let things get out of control! Know yourself and your illness. Catch depression before you can't get out of bed. Recognize the signs of mania. In all this. have a good relationship with a psychiatrist and a therapist.
They will help you navigate the waters of bipolar and lead you to stability.

When I have experienced mania, I have been so out of it that I don't remember half of the things I did or said. After the episode there was much damage control. Apologies  needed to be made, outrageous bills to be paid and time lost, made up for. Once stable it behooves me to live one day at a time. I crave stability. Mania is too messy. It is so important to maintain this attitude. Stability is always the goal. Don't give in to the lure of mania. The highs, the grandiosity and the euphoria of the disease. Face each day dedicated to reality.

Depression is literally a killer. It saps you of the will to live and the motivation to make life better so you can live. Again take one day at a time. Seek balance. Take the time to do the things everyone is telling you to do. Eat right, exercise and above all take your meds. Talk to a professional. They can help put you experience in perspective. Don't face the day overwhelmed because you have not reached out for help . Don't go it alone.

The keys to facing a life with a chronic disease is to take it one day at a time and use every resource you have to achieve the goal of stability. Take each day as it comes and try to summon the courage to fight the illness. It is worth it to fight for your life ,it is worth it to live your life free from the ravages of bipolar disorder. Take the chance to listen to advice to help you "get there".

I don't remember my initial reaction to being diagnosed bipolar. I was a young 21 year old and for the most part felt invincible. I don't remember being shocked when the doctor told me I was manic-depressive and would have to take medication for the rest of my life. The chronicity of the illness didn't faze me.
I had not yet experienced it's devastating effects I was a young 21 and I felt I could fight the illness. But as the years passed and hospitalizations increased it dawned on me that I was perhaps fighting a formidable foe, and some battles would be lost.

I was hospitalized after the birth of both my sons. There were so many subsequent hospitalizations that I have lost count. The most recent was the worst though. I was in the hospital for 9 months and don't really remember the first 3. I do remember the last 6 months of my stay.Most of my memories are horrific. Mental hospitals are not the ideal places to heal a broken mind, and so I suffered. I remember crying myself to sleep as I listened to the screaming on the ward, and the sound of orderlies trying to get patients under control. It was a nightmare. Nothing however could prepare me for what would assail me when I was released.

I was released to a board and care in Long Beach. It was a filthy pit. My room was disgusting, filled with dirt and the smell of rot. The people there were rotting as well. Most were in a stupor and those that were aware of their surroundings spent their time asking for and smoking cigarettes. I saw many clients during med time simply spitting the meds out .In no time at all the police would be summoned  to hospitalize the client under a 51-50.

I soon left that board and care and lived in several others until moving to my present location. I was miserable. At least my present circumstances don't assault the senses . It is clean and I have my own room. I have a television and internet. It is still a long way from where I want to go but it is a step in the right direction.

My reaction now when I think about bipolar disorder is a mixture of fear and loathing. I now know what a devastating impact it can have on a life and I hate the fact that I have it. I am afraid that I will have another episode. I am afraid of what is going to happen to me. Everyday I struggle to hang in there, but I am getting tired. The stigma "out there" is nothing compared to the self stigma that attacks my self esteem. I am no longer cavalier in my attitude towards mental illness. It has kicked my ass many times and will probably kick it again before all is said and done. The best I can do is to fight it on every front and above all take my meds. Hopefully my best will be good enough.