calm cool and collected

Stability should be the goal of any manic depressive.Why it is not to some isn't a mystery to me.Face it the high of mania is intoxicating.Who does't want to feel on top of the world? Spending sprees are fun.Thinking big thoughts is empowering.Reality is a bummer.And for someone in a manic state it kills the high.But stability becomes very desirable when your world begins to unravel.Many of your thoughts  during an episode become, in the light of day , ridiculous.All that you did or said during the episode are open to scrutiny.In some cases mania leads to psychosis making all of your actions suspect.In my case I have experienced psychosis many times.Such breaks from reality are devastating.Time is lost as you spend months in the hospital.The first thing you have to do after a psychotic break is to reorient yourself with the world.Apologies need to be made to family and friends for your words and actions.Even though manic depression is not your fault,you blame yourself and cover yourself in shame.I so wished that over the years I had kept stability as my number one goal.The clean up after an episode is so monumental and as sick as you are,overwhelming. Why given all the negative aspects of an episode, all the lost time, all the exhausting work of picking up the pieces of your life,do manic depressives continue to cycle in and out of mania?? Again its a thrill.Stability is not a goal it is not a desirable state simply because it is what it is.It's constant,steadying,and true.Based in reality ,stability can be boring.But so what! It is preferable to the agony of trying to regain your life after an episode! Boring is a good thing if it helps you stay out of a hospital,keeps you on track and helps you maintain a life full of productivity.Stability should come first for anyone affected by mental illness.The longer the periods of stability the better Be boring.It's your saving grace.