setbacks...

I recently went on vacation to a great spot called La Quinta .I was with my best friend and overall we had a wonderful time . However on one particular night I suffered a setback. I had been doing well, but on Sunday night we had a party and I didn't do so well. I had trouble engaging and was quiet most of the night. So much so that friends commented on my silence .  I was embarrassed .Very embarrassed.

I guess what happened was that I was intimidated. You see I am still in recovery from a major manic episode. I was in the hospital for 9 months, all of it a horrible experience. My stories aren't good. They are fraught with frustration anger and shock . I still cannot believe that it all happened to me, and I am adverse to sharing my experiences. I was embarrassed to answer the simplest of questions. Like, "How are you?"

The fact is I am not so great. I am in recovery , but it is taking( in my opinion ) forever. I question if I will ever be the same again. The answer is probably not. The events of the last 2 years are life changing. My perspective on life is altered. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The truth is I was flat at the party. I was tired from medication and frustrated that I could not engage in conversation. I could think of things to say but they got caught in my throat and never found their way out. I expressed all my frustration with my best friend on the way home . She showed compassion to my predicament. I explained to her that taking a handful of meds as soon as you wake up puts you behind the eight ball for the rest of the day. Just when you are getting "with it", you have to take them again . It is exhausting. Add to that the social anxiety that I experience, And you have a recipie for disaster in some social situations. I still don't think this is an excuse for my behavior. I will explore in therapy why I had such a hard time. I know I have to get over the shame and embarrassment of bipolar. I need to engage despite feeling flat. I need to push myself so I don't regret the time spent with friends and family.

Bipolar disorder is a formidable foe. Just when you think you are back in the saddle you can experience a setback. My set back was minor. I didn't slink back into a depression or rocket into a mania due to one bad night. However some do. Please, if you are reading this be kind to yourself in a setback situation. I have discovered that no matter how tough the situation , one can bounce back. It's hard to get over the shame of mental illness so we don't self stigmatize ourselves. We can bring something to the party despite our illness. So next time I have the opportunity I will try my damndest to engage and value myself enough to participate . No one said this struggle would be easy.