What it's like...

I think its' easier to understand depression rather than mania. Most people experience the blues at some point in their lives. They know what it feels like to be sad, down, and depressed. However not many experience the high of mania.

Mania is usually proceeded by hypo-mania. To be hypomanic is to be on cloud nine. All things ,all goals seem attainable. Your mood is high. You are in love with life and are supremely confident that things will go your way.  Hypomania is extremely addictive. Who wouldn',t want to experience it's highs?

For me, hypomania  is a precursor to full on mania. Close behind it is the experience of psychosis. I never got addicted to the high because in my case it was short lived. Grandiosity replaced confidence. My mood was too high. I believed all things and felt I could accomplish things that mere mortals could not. Mania became psychosis when I believed I had a special message for the human race. My insights were vastly superior to those not so significantly touched. My behavior was off the charts. I spent too much talked too much and slept very little. During the latest episode my irritability got dangerous and I had no qualms about confronting those who were not on the same level that I was. Since all judgment is off in a manic state, I couldn't see how irrational and bizarre my behavior was.

Those around me did see the signs of hypo mania. They most definitely saw the presence of mania. This last episode I went from one state to another in a matter of weeks. By the time my father 51-50 me, I was in a full blown manic state. It doesn't take me too long to go from zero to sixty.

In fact driving is a good analogy of what it feels like to be bipolar. Stability is driving with both hands on the wheel . In hypomania you take one hand off the wheel and start driving dangerous. In full blown mania both hands come off the wheel and you spin out of control.

There are those who regardless of how destructive their episodes are, crave the manic state. Reality is a bummer. Prefering the high, they cease taking meds and take instead high risk behaviors. Anything to prolong the high is sought. Drugs and alcohol are added to the mix to produce the worst kind of instability. Yet they persist. Often the reason most give for their manic seeking behavior is that "I don't want to be boring." However in my experience, boring is a much more preferable state than psychosis. Boring means you are stable, and  and  probably not in a hospital.

If you are bipolar you are going to have to get used to a new normal. Meds may slow you down, life may seem to be in neutral. You won't be high  but you will be living in reality. Some may call you boring. The truth is that you are on the way to stability and recovery. Get used to the new normal. Mania may have it's allure , but a recovered life is the one that should be sought.