Halloween musings...

I hate nightmares. Since starting some of my medications , I have had very vivid, sometimes horrifying dreams. Perhaps the scariest is a recurrent dream that I am homeless and can't find my way out of a dark tunnel. It's a pretty telling dream since I have been struggling to navigate the twists and turns of mental illness for some 35 years. It is no wonder that I dream of my ultimate fear, finding myself alone , sick and without a place to be.

Maybe it's because it's Halloween that I began thinking how I hate to be scared. Dreams of homelessness terrify me and I wake up ever so grateful for my apartment. It wasn't too long ago though that I didn't have a place and went through several board and cares after getting out of a 9 month hospitalization. The places were scary alright. My very first one out of the hospital was in Long Beach. It was a stereotypical hell hole that used to be a motel. It had cockroaches, cigarette burned mattresses and speakers inside our rooms that blared when medications were being passed out. Most of the residents were completely gone, hanging out all day smoking and talking to their voices. It was something out of a very bad B movie. Patients would line up for meds , recieve them and then spit them out into the bushes on their way out. The police and ambulance service were frequent visitors and late night 5150's were the norm. It took me three months to get out and move on to the next home. A living nightmare!!

I lived in several group homes before getting my current housing. I was a member of a group called Telecare and they facilitated me gaining long term residency. It has been nothing short of a miracle. I love my little place in Irvine, Ca. and am truly blessed to be here. So fortunate!!

The thing is though that many of my fellow residents who suffer from serious mental illnesses do not do so well. Yes, they are no longer homeless but they are still trying to live with a mental illness and not doing so successfully. I see a lot of alcohol abuse and drug abuse, two things that only add fuel to the fire of mental illness. Symptoms are soon to follow, and the whole cycle of hospitalization and loss of their lease begins again. Our apartment does have 2 social workers who work with our little group. It is a step in the right direction.  I would say that only wrap around services can insure that state of wellness that makes for a solid dweller. Medication management, psychiatric and psychological services, job placement, and community living are the factors that keep one housed. When in the throes of mental illness, a person is simply not capable of living independently. To expect someone to do so is unfair. You can place an individual into a unit, but unless all factors are firing to attain wellness and stability, placement is futile.

This Halloween I woke up out of a dream free, sound sleep to find myself in my cozy apartment. My new kitten woke me up and all seemed right with the world

this morning. I know gratitude is celebrated chiefly on Thanksgiving not Halloween but I am starting my holidays early. I am extremely blessed to be living in permanent housing and will not and cannot be grateful enough!

Kitty love...

One of the reasons I came to the desert this week was to pick up my adopted kitten. His name is Seve and he is a black and white. For the longest time my best friend has tried to convince me to get a cat and I finally pulled the trigger.

I have read many blogs about how good a pet is for those who have a mental illness. The responsibility of taking care of a living thing gives meaning to one's life. The care and feeding of another can lift you out of a depression. I now can see why.

Although I have only been with him for a week, we are already bonding. He likes to wake up early, eat, play and then crash again. It's totally cute to wake up to a purring kitten on my chest. I am used to waking up and just jumping out of bed. Now I can see the beauty of just lingering until I am fully awake and presented with something positive the moment I wake up! 

I live alone in Irvine. For the longest time I have kept it that way out of self preservation. I was consumed with managing symptoms and the fallout from a massive episode 8 years ago. I have finally recovered to the point where I am out of survival mode and am looking for ways to enhance my life. Getting a pet is a big step in that direction.

So Seve and I return to Orange County this morning to start our new life together. I must say that I am a bit nervous about how he will adjust. My work schedule will allow me plenty of time with him though and I am looking forward to getting to know him better. It is exciting and a welcome addition to my life. Kitty love is the best thing ever!!

55...

Today is my 55th birthday. I am in La Quinta California, on vacation, and the happiest I have been in a long time. For my birthday, my best friend, who is a tremendous cook, is making homemade lasagna and chocolate cake. Party tonight.

I guess 55 is some kind of milestone. You are officially a senior and are faced with the fact that life goes by real fast! It seems like only yesterday when I met my best friend 30 years ago and even longer since I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 21. I find myself giving myself a mental pat on the back for surviving this long and coming out on the other side of some very difficult times.

When I was 21 I had no idea how bipolar disorder was going to impact my life. The doctors explained to me that the illness was chronic and would need to be treated throughout my lifetime. I really didn't pay much attention to that. I thought I could dismiss it and like the flu, experience an episode once and get over it. How naive and shortsighted I was!

The years since my initial diagnosis have been marked with difficulty, triumph, beautiful moments and tragedy. I married, had two sons , divorced , had episodes of depression and mania and kind of just kept going. So, I find myself at 55 trying to figure out what I want the rest of my years to look like. I have arrived at a place of wellness and healing, and I am more than ready to move on.


I am grateful for my life. I have been blessed with a terrific and loving family without whose support I never would have made it this far. I also have to credit my best friend, Kathy for the last 30 or so years of encouragement. They both have been there through all my battles with depression and I still look to them for guidance as I try to navigate the waters of this disorder. I am eternally grateful for their love and understanding.

I guess my message to those who are newly diagnosed with a mental illness is that it doesn'
t have to win. It is possible to live and thrive. I look forward to doing just that!

Going forward...

I have been thinking a lot about attitude lately. In general I have a good one but every once in a while I get in a funk and my thoughts turn negative. I think when I do go south, it is fueled by a kind of grief. You see, I don't want to have a mental illness. In fact I hate it, and that is not a good thing.

Rather than being angry that I have bipolar disorder I am having to learn to accept it which is a much better way to be. My moods are stable so it's easier to come to terms with the fact it is a chronic illness. Although it will last my lifetime it is not wearing me out in the present. Shifting from depression to mania is exhausting , so I am grateful for the current reprieve of symptoms.

So now comes the hard part. Now that I am well, I have to figure out what I want my life to look like. I crave productivity because so many times my efforts are stymied by depression. So I have been asking myself, what can I do that will give me a sense of fulfillment and actually mean something?

What I have come up with is that during my time off from work I am going to get involved in volunteer work with those who are also affected by mental illness. Also, I would like to get into advocacy. There are many issues that are related to mental illness that can find solutions politically and since I have always been interested in politics I think it will be a good fit.

All in all my attitude is one of looking forward and making the most of the present. My dad always told me that attitude is a decision and one you have to make regardless of circumstances. So onward I go, deciding each day to embrace my life despite living with bipolar disorder. I'll keep you all updated on my progress!

Getting my mojo back....

I am not a creature of habit. I don't usually want to follow a routine. I am often driven by my enthusiasms and deterred  by my depressions. Like a true manic depressive, I am either on or off, good or bad, engaged or distant. Yet since gaining stability in the last 8 years, I am more apt to realize that it is the everyday disciplines that drive one forward. Consistency is what I seek and I desire a steady course.

When I was at my worst bipolar self, I was a member of a foundation dedicated to recovery concepts for the mentally ill. One of their mantras was ADLs or activities of daily living. They recognized that the simplest of tasks, (like taking a shower everyday), often fell by the wayside when someone suffers from a serious mental illness. The focus of doing daily tasks was seen as a way out of the disorganization of SMIs and would serve as a foundation for recovery. They were right in my opinion.

I am in the habit of doing ADLs now. Regardless of how I feel, I get up, get showered and show up for the day. I have found that feelings sometimes cannot be trusted and are fleeting. I base my actions on the basic belief that this too shall pass, and half the battle is just showing up.

I am doing that now in my new job. I moved into the floral department of my store. I am learning slowly how to stock, display and arrange flowers. SiNce I have limitations of how much I can work due to Social Security rules, the 20 hours I spend working are well spent in my new job. For now it is a very good thing. The job pays the bills, and affords me the opportunity to engage in a productive activity. For now it will do, but I am, in the meantime, exploring other activities that will further my recovery and help me get my mojo back!

My goal is simple, I want to engage in life in such a way that I am fully participating, physically, emotionally and spiritually in life. Physically I need to get in shape and return to my sport. I miss participating in activities that get you out of your own head. Emotionally, I am in a good place but I want to expand on my relationships and become more open to new ones. Spiritually, I am growing. I rely on a faith based approach to the ups and downs of bipolar disorder. I know there is a higher power who never falters and is a constant companion in my journey.

I have recovered to the point where I am looking to enhance my life with the simple but profound things . I am adopting a kitten this week and putting some life into my apartment. It is a big step for me to take on the responsibility of taking care of something. For a long time I believed I wasn't capable of much more than managing symptoms. Hampered by shame, I built walls to keep out the possibility of connection. Now however I have walked through the light at the end of the tunnel and am able and willing to engage . My heart and life is expanding even though my mind is sometimes a battleground. I simply won't settle for a defeated mentality. Depression has had it's way with me long enough. It's time to live and to embrace the hope of recovery which is; mental illness does not always prevail. It does not always win. I am living proof that recovery is possible!

Freedom sweet freedom!!!

I know what it's like to lose your freedom. 8 years ago I had a bipolar episode and landed in a long term hospital setting. I was in a locked unit and only got to go outside during smoke breaks. The area we were allowed to go out to was a wired in lot that was bleak and imposing. Once inside again, the windows were plexiglass and the halls dark and ugly. It was hell. The only escape was to get well and I had to wait to let the medication do it's job and bring me back to sanity. I have never quite gotten over that experience and remember vividly how confinining and hopeless the situation was.

Yes it's been 8 years since that 9 month hospitalization and I can honestly say it made me appreciate many things. On the Fourth of July I am so grateful that I live in a land where care is available and I am free to pursue my goals and dreams. We are so fortunate in our country to have access to care and benefit from the advances in psychiatry. It makes me angry when the ant-psychiatry crowd rail against "the system". Quite frankly they wouldn't have a voice in any other country and would suffer under any other system.

Poolside July Fourth musings!!

Freedom is a precious thing though, and it brings with it the onus of responsibility. I am at a point in my wellness journey where I am evaluating my progress and am accessing where it is I want to go. I have a sacred duty in my opinion to live out my life in a  meaningful and productive way. The ability to even consider different paths is a blessing of freedom. There are no limits imposed on me and I am free to choose the direction I want to take. I am cognisant that it is up to my choosing how things will go. I can choose fear and stagnation or courage and action. No one else is responsible for my happiness and I am free to pursue happiness because of the sacrifice of so many.

So today, like so many days since my episode, I am thankful for the opportunity to determine my course. Blessed with freedom, I would hope that others reading this who are affected by mental illness would recognize the advantages of living in a country such as ours. There are so many services and organizations willing to help, and it is incumbent upon us to utilize them. Do so!!! Happy Fourth!

Ready, set , goals!!!!

Chronic, incurable, lifelong. These words unfortunately accompany a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. When I was first diagnosed at 21 I was told I would have to take medication for the rest of my life and that it would be forever altered by mental illness. Well, I have and it has. Lately however, I have begun to question some of the beliefs about my mental illness.

Above all else I question whether a life has to be dominated by the symptoms of mental illness. Can't we move beyond the mere management of symptoms and onto recovery and wellness? I believe the answer is a resounding yes. Yes, symptom recognition and management are important but once achieved, shouldn't one take the next step and figure out how to live a meaningful productive life? Yes again.

Perhaps the most important factor in my recovery from my last episode, (a 9 month hospitalization),
has been my ability to set and achieve goals. My methods are simple and I think anyone challenged by a mental illness can use them to further their journey.

First, identify your areas of interest. Life without a purpose is by nature depressing and unfulfilling.
Identify the areas you want to attend to and name your passions. Clarify where it is you want to go. After you do this you can set goals.

When I set goals I break things down into categories. My life consists of physical, emotional , spiritual, financial and pleasurable components. I set goals in each category that are long and short term and attainable.

Perhaps the most important part of goal setting is assessment. Set a timeframe for reviewing your goals and see how far you have come and where you need to improve. Reaccess, regroup, and redraw your goals then move forward. If you are struggling with a mental illness perhaps your perspective or judgement is skewed and you need help in this process. That is perfectly okay. A second set of eyes is always a good thing.

Accept setbacks when You are reaching for growth and following your passions. Perhaps you will experience symptoms of your disorder or just life stuff will get in the way of achieving your goals. The key is to not give up. Slow and steady wins the race!

Go for it! I totally believe that a person living with a mental illness can thrive, set a path for the future and attain it. We who experience disorders of the mind, need to be hypervigilant about our path though. You cannot get anywhere if you are a victim of continued symptoms. I would argue that in spite of how you feel you should press on. Get your illness under control with the help of a psychiatrist, take your meds, see a therapist , join a support group, move forward!! Don't settle!!