The nature of the beast...

Bipolar disorder is a bitch. I hate it more than I can say. It's highs lead to psychosis and it's lows lead to a mind numbing depression. I seek stability but just when I think I have gained it some person , circumstance or event comes along to rock my world. I should take comfort in the fact that this happens to everyone. But why am I so affected by what goes on around me?

I have always been super sensitive. As a child I was greatly influenced by the actions of my friends .I still am. A hurtful word can throw me off for days. I don't think this has anything to do with my illness. It's more of a character issue. Perhaps there is a weak spot though, that serves as  a catalyst to depression. I don't want to be so affected but the plain truth is I am. My goal is stability. I shouldn't be subject to the whims of my illness.

Stability is the goal. Some manic-depressives crave mania. The highs are addicting. Who wouldn't want to be on top of the world? Soon after the high however, one comes crashing down. A episode of mania can end in a bout of depression. It is the nature of the beast to swing form one polar to the opposite. I find comfort in the fact that medication coupled with therapy can even me out. Strengthening my emotional life can result in stability. Even though it may be boring, my experience does not have to include hospitalization. I do not have to ride the rollercoaster of manic depression.

I have yet to make peace with my illness. My highs have been to frequent and my lows too debilitating. However I still seek stability and the ability to live my life at even keel. Doesn't everyone seek a life of tranquility? Yes, tough times may come , but I must be in a position to handle the ups and downs of life. Otherwise my reactions will only feed my illness. The nature of the beast may result in chaos. My gal however is to strengthen myself and seek peace.

Full disclosure...

What to do? Do you disclose your mental illness to another or do you keep it private. ? It's a tough decision. If you had cancer it would not be shameful to disclose your condition. However there is a major stigma regarding mental illness. I find that not only do I recognize the stigma, I also keep quiet about my bipolar disorder because I am ashamed. People are still uninformed about diseases of the brain, and I am afraid I will be met with ignorance. I realize that unless people like me disclose,  mental illness will never be fully understood and accepted . Yet I still struggle to speak up.

Like anyone else I want people to see me in the best light possible. When you tell someone you have a major mental illness you run the risk of being rejected , marginalized, or dismissed due to ignorance. I still don't tell people I am bipolar if I feel they would use the information to harm me. But the majority of the time I am met with understanding and at the very least curiosity. My fear of rejection stems from my own shame. I know it's not my fault .I know there is nothing I could have done to change my brain chemistry. I flat out know that I am powerless against the diagnosis. Yet I still blame myself.

It is irrational for me to judge myself so harshly. You are supposed to be on your own team. However I sometimes can't help myself. The stigma of society coupled with my own self doubts hush me up! I want nothing more than to be able to share this burden with others. It is so hard to do when you think you will be judged harshly. However ,I must disclose whenever I believe it is healthy and safe .Why?Disclosing not only makes me a braver person ,it may also open up the possibility for further understanding. I would challenge myself and others to speak out about mental illness. The more we speak out the lesser the stigma. When I speak out , it also eradicates, bit by bit, the shame I feel myself.

one down one to go....

Thanksgiving has passed and I look forward to Christmas. I realize a lot of people have a rough time whether mentally ill or not. I realize that on a previous post I was a bit too one sided in my approach to the holidays.  Many of us struggle during this time of year. I feel that I am at my best during the holidays. Yet I can sympathize with those who suffer during this time of year.

Why are the holidays so difficult? Stress is a big factor. We want things to be perfect ,the perfect gift, party, family get together. When things fall short of our expectations we feel terrible. Perhaps the key word here is expectations. Nothing can ever live uo to the notions of the holidays that we all have. It's been pumped not us from the earliest of ages that Christmas is the "most wonderful time of the year. Tis the season to be jolly, be merry, and happy holidays all tell us to be in the spirit of Christmas. What do we do if our expectations exceed reality and we just can't wait for it to be January the 2nd?

First take into account that you have a mental illness that if you are bipolar affects your mood. Stay steady during the holidays. Continue to do the hard work of recovery despite the season. Keep taking your meds, go to support group and air your concerns to your support team.

Be realistic. In order to stay healthy and stable don't put pressure on yourself to be perfect. There are times when you will have to take a break from all of the hubbub . Be kind to yourself and if you need a break from the action , do so. You won't always feel in the spirit of things ,you might feel depressed and down. Be sure you allow for these feelings and gain some measure of comfort from the fact that we all struggle during the holidays.

Focus on what you love. If your thing is baking, giving gifts, visiting friends and family, pick one and focus your energies on those things . Don't be afraid to avoid the things you don't care for. Saying no to a party, a gathering or an event doesn't mean you are depressed. You may be smart to protect your mental health by avoiding stressful circumstances.

Above all, Try to build some positive memories of the season. January 1st will be here soon enough and with it all of life's realities. When things get tough, A good memory may help you fight on in the new year.

What it's like...

I think its' easier to understand depression rather than mania. Most people experience the blues at some point in their lives. They know what it feels like to be sad, down, and depressed. However not many experience the high of mania.

Mania is usually proceeded by hypo-mania. To be hypomanic is to be on cloud nine. All things ,all goals seem attainable. Your mood is high. You are in love with life and are supremely confident that things will go your way.  Hypomania is extremely addictive. Who wouldn',t want to experience it's highs?

For me, hypomania  is a precursor to full on mania. Close behind it is the experience of psychosis. I never got addicted to the high because in my case it was short lived. Grandiosity replaced confidence. My mood was too high. I believed all things and felt I could accomplish things that mere mortals could not. Mania became psychosis when I believed I had a special message for the human race. My insights were vastly superior to those not so significantly touched. My behavior was off the charts. I spent too much talked too much and slept very little. During the latest episode my irritability got dangerous and I had no qualms about confronting those who were not on the same level that I was. Since all judgment is off in a manic state, I couldn't see how irrational and bizarre my behavior was.

Those around me did see the signs of hypo mania. They most definitely saw the presence of mania. This last episode I went from one state to another in a matter of weeks. By the time my father 51-50 me, I was in a full blown manic state. It doesn't take me too long to go from zero to sixty.

In fact driving is a good analogy of what it feels like to be bipolar. Stability is driving with both hands on the wheel . In hypomania you take one hand off the wheel and start driving dangerous. In full blown mania both hands come off the wheel and you spin out of control.

There are those who regardless of how destructive their episodes are, crave the manic state. Reality is a bummer. Prefering the high, they cease taking meds and take instead high risk behaviors. Anything to prolong the high is sought. Drugs and alcohol are added to the mix to produce the worst kind of instability. Yet they persist. Often the reason most give for their manic seeking behavior is that "I don't want to be boring." However in my experience, boring is a much more preferable state than psychosis. Boring means you are stable, and  and  probably not in a hospital.

If you are bipolar you are going to have to get used to a new normal. Meds may slow you down, life may seem to be in neutral. You won't be high  but you will be living in reality. Some may call you boring. The truth is that you are on the way to stability and recovery. Get used to the new normal. Mania may have it's allure , but a recovered life is the one that should be sought.

tis the season...

The holidays. Some love them and some hate them. I am in the love them camp. Despite being bipolar I truly enjoy all aspects of the holidays. I know that many suffer from depression this time of year and the thoughts of the holidays are overwhelming. I seem to have a reverse seasonal cycle though. When most are depressed in the winter ,I am energized. Summer is my hardest time and I slide into depression in the spring and summer. So when Thanksgiving rolls around, I am ready to celebrate.

Snapping out of it in time for the holidays is a blessing. I am allowed to express my gratitude on Thanksgiving for all the blessings in my life. Despite it all, all my struggles and all the pain that comes with having bipolar disorder ,  stress from coping is alleviated at this time of year. Sure there are times when things don't go so well. Anytime family gets together there may be glitches. But overall I find the holidays to be a wonderful time. You have an excuse to be happy, an allotted time to be grateful and giving.

Two years ago I spent not only my October birthday in the hospital , but also the entire holiday season. Thank god I was out of it and don't remember much of that time. I do remember afterwards mourning the lost time. I will never take this season for granted after that experience.

So many people complain about the holidays. I guess I am still a kid at heart. I love the hustle and bustle, the shopping , the preparing for that one special day. The hard work of dealing with a mental illness can wait till the new year. As for me I like having an excuse to be happy for very particular reasons. I love the "thanks"in Thanksgiving. Even more I love the meaning of Christmas. You get to celebrate the coming of Christ ,and out of that joy, give to others.

So to all those bipolars who dread the season, I would suggest that they try to participate as much as possible .Don't expect perfection. Families will feud, shopping will be hectic and the stress of the holiday may be overwhelming. It is worth it however to summon up the energy to engage during this time. Things will not be perfect but we must catch the joy whenever we can. I believe that actively participating builds your resolve to fight the good fight against mental illness. Build solid memories of this time of year. They are often talisman against the dark days.

setbacks...

I recently went on vacation to a great spot called La Quinta .I was with my best friend and overall we had a wonderful time . However on one particular night I suffered a setback. I had been doing well, but on Sunday night we had a party and I didn't do so well. I had trouble engaging and was quiet most of the night. So much so that friends commented on my silence .  I was embarrassed .Very embarrassed.

I guess what happened was that I was intimidated. You see I am still in recovery from a major manic episode. I was in the hospital for 9 months, all of it a horrible experience. My stories aren't good. They are fraught with frustration anger and shock . I still cannot believe that it all happened to me, and I am adverse to sharing my experiences. I was embarrassed to answer the simplest of questions. Like, "How are you?"

The fact is I am not so great. I am in recovery , but it is taking( in my opinion ) forever. I question if I will ever be the same again. The answer is probably not. The events of the last 2 years are life changing. My perspective on life is altered. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The truth is I was flat at the party. I was tired from medication and frustrated that I could not engage in conversation. I could think of things to say but they got caught in my throat and never found their way out. I expressed all my frustration with my best friend on the way home . She showed compassion to my predicament. I explained to her that taking a handful of meds as soon as you wake up puts you behind the eight ball for the rest of the day. Just when you are getting "with it", you have to take them again . It is exhausting. Add to that the social anxiety that I experience, And you have a recipie for disaster in some social situations. I still don't think this is an excuse for my behavior. I will explore in therapy why I had such a hard time. I know I have to get over the shame and embarrassment of bipolar. I need to engage despite feeling flat. I need to push myself so I don't regret the time spent with friends and family.

Bipolar disorder is a formidable foe. Just when you think you are back in the saddle you can experience a setback. My set back was minor. I didn't slink back into a depression or rocket into a mania due to one bad night. However some do. Please, if you are reading this be kind to yourself in a setback situation. I have discovered that no matter how tough the situation , one can bounce back. It's hard to get over the shame of mental illness so we don't self stigmatize ourselves. We can bring something to the party despite our illness. So next time I have the opportunity I will try my damndest to engage and value myself enough to participate . No one said this struggle would be easy.

Fighting the good fight..

Is there any hope for fighting your way through mental illness?  I think that there is .There is a misconception that once diagnosed you are doomed to a marginal life. Fighting the good fight is key to recovery and a life filled with positive experiences.

Granted, there are those so affected that the littlest challenges are insurmountable. Fighting the ravages of bipolar disorder or schizophrenia is not possible because they are incapable of doing so. Just getting through the day is an achievement. However there are those of us that are blessed with the capability to recognize the challenges of life and respond with an aggressive attitude.


I have heard through the years that rather than fight bipolar disorder, I should accept it. Yet there is a part of me that just doesn't . I resent it's presence in my life. I hate the out of control feeling that comes along with mania. Even more, I resent the lost time  that occurs in depression. In fact both mania and depression are robbers, they rob you of time, relationships jobs and hope. I am sorry but I just  cannot accept that. I'd rather fight.

So how do you fight? First you must know your enemy . Learn about your illness. After that you can take aggressive action in your battle. What can you do once informed? Here are a few ideas.

#1 submit to the care of a psychiatrist.

#2 Above all else ,Take your meds.

#3 Join a support group

#4 Talk to some one, (therapy)

All of the above can help you engage in the fight. Cultivating a fighting spirit requires determination and courage. It's worth the effort to fight for your life.

La Quinta

There is a little town in the Southern California desert called La Quinta. My best friend lives there and to me it is one of the best places in the U.S. Right now I am on a trip here. Everyone who suffers from a mental illness should come to a place like this. The scenery is fantastic. Mountain coves surrounded with palm trees and flowers in abundance dominate the landscape . It makes you forget that you have an illness. Natures beauty gets you out of your head.

Those of us who do have a mental illness need a vacation from that illness every once in a while. I just cannot dwell on it. I don't want to aggravate depression and I don't 'want to make the mistake of escaping into into mania.  I need distractions.

Going to new places or favorite spots gets you out of any funk. Take the time, make the effort to get out of your routine and go somewhere else. You have plenty of time to deal with your illness . However it is equally important to give yourself a break. Go out and go forward to mental health!

Come on man!

A trip to the hospital is sometimes warranted in the journey of a mentally ill patient. When things spiral out of control,, a or depression gets so bad you lose your will to live a hospital visit should be a welcome reprieve from madness. In my experience some hospitals are not.

The first hospital I was in was a nightmare. Patients roamed round a great room in psychotic states .Some were in diapers ,some in restraints. It was unsettling ,frightening an did nothing to alleviate the psychological pain I was in . It made things worse because the environment was so bad. I blocked most of it out and continued to the next facility.

The second hospital I was in was even more horrible. I spent 6 months trying to survive in a place where madness  reigned. The smoke breaks were the only way to go outdoors. Patients acted out their psychotic behaviors . One man would get outdoors and continuously lick the ground. I couldn't take it and almost had another break down. Fortunately I had weekly visits from my parents. That and fierce determination and adherence to a treatment program got me out.

Yet ,really, why should it be this way. Every patient is lumped together regardless of the state they are in. Shouldn't they be separated according to functionality? I mean "come on man", isn't there a better way?

I believe there is a better way .There should be changes to the psych wards I was in.  Lock down is understandable but visits outside should be more frequent. There should be windows. Again , patients who are high functioning should have a place to heal that is separated from those who are highly symptomatic.

A place to heal is essential in the recovery process.
I wish the places that are frequented by the mentally ill were more humane. Reform has to happen or more people will slip through the cracks. Returning to reality and the world requires stability. There is no way this can happen in the current system.

calm cool and collected

Stability should be the goal of any manic depressive.Why it is not to some isn't a mystery to me.Face it the high of mania is intoxicating.Who does't want to feel on top of the world? Spending sprees are fun.Thinking big thoughts is empowering.Reality is a bummer.And for someone in a manic state it kills the high.But stability becomes very desirable when your world begins to unravel.Many of your thoughts  during an episode become, in the light of day , ridiculous.All that you did or said during the episode are open to scrutiny.In some cases mania leads to psychosis making all of your actions suspect.In my case I have experienced psychosis many times.Such breaks from reality are devastating.Time is lost as you spend months in the hospital.The first thing you have to do after a psychotic break is to reorient yourself with the world.Apologies need to be made to family and friends for your words and actions.Even though manic depression is not your fault,you blame yourself and cover yourself in shame.I so wished that over the years I had kept stability as my number one goal.The clean up after an episode is so monumental and as sick as you are,overwhelming. Why given all the negative aspects of an episode, all the lost time, all the exhausting work of picking up the pieces of your life,do manic depressives continue to cycle in and out of mania?? Again its a thrill.Stability is not a goal it is not a desirable state simply because it is what it is.It's constant,steadying,and true.Based in reality ,stability can be boring.But so what! It is preferable to the agony of trying to regain your life after an episode! Boring is a good thing if it helps you stay out of a hospital,keeps you on track and helps you maintain a life full of productivity.Stability should come first for anyone affected by mental illness.The longer the periods of stability the better Be boring.It's your saving grace.

getting back in the groove

After a bipolar episode it is hard to get your life back.I was in the hospital for 9 months.When I came out I still wasn't well.It has taken 2 years to get my meds straight,find a place to be and find a new purpose in life.The bottom line is it took time for me to heal.Moving forward is the next step and eventually I will get my groove back.Tte best eay to get back in the swing of things is to follow the basic rules of mental health.Accept your diagnosis,see a psychiatrist consistently, and above all take your meds! Once you solvw the basic issues of rebounding from an episode you must then renew your confidence.This is a toughie!After an episode your confidence is usually shot and your self esteem is at a all time low. Basically you are embarrassed that you had one in the first place.(At least I was.) But to get busy with living you must have an expectation of good things happening.This expectation is fueled by confidence.So be gentle with yourself.Get back into your life slowly but surely.Hope a lot.To hope ypu must again have positive expetations.You cannot have a negative outlook.All you energy must be channeled into fighting for your life.An episode although devastating is temporary.You can get through it with faith and hope going forward.

chicken little

If you have a mental illness,you probably have a problem with negative thinking.You think "the sky is falling "  because it has in the past,often in the form of  episodes of mania of depression.In depression ones view of the world is skewed.Everything is negative.There can be no solutions to lifes challenges because life is not seen as worth the living.We are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.Mania is a totally different state,Euphoria ,rapid thinking and grandiosity make your view go out of wack.Reality is a bummer and often reality checks are unwelcome.Reality kills the high.But  mania has its consequences.Spending sprees must be paid for,actions accounted for and apologies made for things said and done.It is exhausting to be bipolar,and when we are tired,negativity reigns. So what to do? I think your first move is to make peace with the fact that you have a chronic illness.Its going to take a lot to manage the disorder but it possible..Stay positive.Although you are diagnosed with a tedious disease,you can make your life work.With medication,health professionals and friends and family to lend support,. you have a chance at a life beyond mental illness.Rather than waiting for the sky to fall you can practice thinking positive . It's going to take time to train yourself to expect positive outcomes.Negativity is easy to slip into .Even more so when depressed or pulling yourself up from a manic or depressive episode.However it is worth the effort. Staying positive can be a buffer to thinking that keeps you stuck in your illness.You must cling to hope instead of fear or bipolar disorder will win the day.You must be confident that the fight can be won, that the outcome will be positive and the sky will be nothing but a beautiful blue