A Thrill of Hope.

I spent the Christmas season of 2011 in a mental hospital. I had been admitted in October for a severe manic bipolar episode with psychotic features. My illness extended through the holidays and beyond to the summer of the next year. 

I don't remember much about that Christmas. My recall of the events of that season are sketchy at best. I do remember a phone call from my sons. Both wished me Merry Christmas and broke down crying , begging me to get better. It was heartbreaking and the pain I felt from that phone call is as raw today as it was back then. 

I have rejoined my family. I survived the 9 month hospitalization and have slowly regained my life during the last 5 years. It has been a gritty, hard fight to get my life back. This holiday I will celebrate with loved ones and be truly present in the joys of the season. I am so grateful to be able to do so. 

I know what it's like to be cheated by mental illness. It does not care what time or date or season it is when it strikes. Bipolar disorder does not take into account that it is the holidays. It is relentless in its affect on your life. It is a thief of time and will dominate your days if you do not manage it wisely.

So how do you manage mental illness during the holidays and beyond? Medication compliance , the care of a psychiatrist and a psychologist and a support system or team are critical to dealing with mental illness. If these foundations or pillars of wellness are in place, the chances of another episodes are greatly reduced. Wellness can happen and life can be restored. Recovery can happen regardless the date on the calendar.

This holiday season I am well. I can fully participate in the holiday season. I am not depressed and I am not manic, rather, I am stable and consistent in my moods. Bipolar disorder is under control in my life and I am able to experience the challenges of the holidays just like everyone else. Yes the holidays bring certain stress, but I am learning to handle them with the tools taught to me by the professionals in my life. My support team continues to provide me with solid advice on how to cope. Even though life doesn't stop for one day on a calendar, I am able to catch the joy of the season and hope for a healthy and happy New Year.

Hope is key in managing a mental illness. There is hope for recovery from bipolar disorders impact your life. Whether you live with a mental illness, or are impacted by a loved one's struggle, you can be assured that wellness is attainable if you put in the hard work and cling to hope. Hope , for me, is an exercise of the mind and spirit. I place my heart and mind in the hands of a higher power and wait expectantly for my life to unfold in positive ways. I put in the hard work of recovery because of the hope that resides in my heart. I believe that today and tomorrow can be free of the vicissitudes of mental illness when one actively manages the disease, armed with the power of hope.

There is no better time to hope than in the celebration of the arrival of a New Year. Looking forward to a year of new beginnings and a renewed hope in the possibilities of a symptom free life are part of the reason I welcome 2016. I know what its like to be removed from life and I refuse to enter another year overwhelmed by the power of mental illness. 

I manage my illness on a practical level. I am under the care of a psychiatrist , I take my medications faithfully. I seek and accept the advice and counsel of a close support team who monitor how I am managing bipolar disorder. I have spent countless hours in therapy learning the tools that can pull me out of depression, protect me from mania, and insure my stability. However , I also practice hope. I am confident that with hard work and patience I can set my mind on the goal of wellness and become more tomorrow than I am today. 

It is with great hope that I celebrate Christmas 2015 and welcome 2016. Recovery is possible. I know, I've lived it. I hope that if you are struggling with mental illness you will take the steps necessary to mange it. I hope that you approach 2016 with a fighting attitude, expecting wellness despite the power of these illnesses. Above all, I press on and hope!

Get help, keep fighting!

I have been trying to manage my mental illness for almost 35 years. Sometimes I manage my bipolar disorder and experience periods of stability. Other times it kicks my butt!

After a 9 month stint in a mental hospital and a 5 year recovery I find myself in one of those periods of stability. Everything is not sunshine and roses, but I am managing life's ups and downs with a sense of peace. There is a calm now in my storm. I look back on the 5 years and feel like I have accomplished so much yet have such a long way to go. I realize that bipolar disorder can wear a person down and then deliver a knock out punch. I don't want to become a statistic and succumb to the brutality of mental illness.

I have been asked why I hang in there. Curiosity is my answer. I truly wonder how it will all turn out! I am curious as to how my children will experience their lives and how , even with a mental illness, I will be a part of that. I can't give in to the life damaging symptoms of the illness. I may experience them but I don't have to let them define me. Bottom line, I want to see what my life will be like after another 5 years of stability and another 5 years after that. Until there is a cure for mental illnesses, that is the best I can hope for, a chance to battle it out.

Depression has always been the dominant force in my bipolar journey. It is a formidable foe. Dealing with major depression has been a long , knock down, drag out fight for me. Sadly, if I were to be honest, I would have to say it has won more times than i care to admit!

When I am depressed the first thing I notice is that the world loses it's color. Everything seems grey. I lose my interest in the things around me and feel like a burden to the people who carry on with their lives. It is like swimming in mud to think and feel. There is a feeling that nothing matters anymore and you are just a burden that is being put up with.

It is in these states of depression that I find myself actively seeking help. Help is what has kept me going all these years. There is no substitute for professional help. A competent psychiatrist, psychologist and the right medication are the foundations of my wellness strategy. Along with the pro's I receive a wealth of support from family and friends. They are there in my corner, encouraging and sometimes even insisting that I keep going.

The truth is, if you are mentally ill you can not go it alone. You must rise on the wings of another. For instance, I seriously doubt my judgement. When I am manic it is skewed by grandiosity and racing thoughts. When I am depressed my thinking is morbid and I cannot see a way out of almost any situation. So, I rely on the advice and good judgement of those I love and admire. I must confess that in the throes of severe mania I want to be told what to do. I shouldn't be trusted with my care because I am incapable of making those kinds of calls. Similarly, when I am clinically depressed I need for members of my support team to do more than give me gentle suggestions. I need help to get out of the muck and mire of depression and that takes more than a little tug!

Bottom line...If you are mentally ill, love,or even support someone who is mentally ill, you are in for the fight of your life!

I don't know what the outcome is going to be in my bipolar journey. After all, no one can predict the future. My hope is that I will continue to seek help, accept the assistance of others and live a life that matters. I am still fighting , and will continue to do so. I hope that if you find yourself challenged like I am , you will realize that there is hope for recovery. Don't give up!!

Mental illness and violence.

Another mass shooting took place last week in Louisianna. It didn't take long for it to become public knowledge that the shooter was diagnosed bipolar and had a long history of violence. Once again mental illness was in the news and linked to a horrific event.

Whenever I hear of a mass shooting of this kind, I cringe and almost wait for the media to report that the shooter was either bipolar or schizophrenic. As one who lives with a mental illness it makes me want to go silent regarding my disorder. I don't want to be associated with the concept of the "Crazed killer", and fear that I will be perceived in the same light as a unbalanced individual.

I have never owned a gun, never shot a gun and would never even contemplate gun ownership. I believe that if you are diagnosed with a mental illness you should forgo your Second Amendment right to gun ownership. There is mounting evidence that the mentally ill are more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators, yet why own a agent of violence when harm to self or others is in the equation?!

I believe that back round checks are necessary and should be enforced with even more restrictions. The shooter in Louisianna had a restraining order against him and had his weapons removed due to his threats against his family. He had a long history of mental illness and yet was still able to purchase a gun. Ridiculous. He should have been red flagged.

Mental illness is not an indicator of violence , yet it seems that  every time a story appears like Louisville we hear about the shooters mental health history. The media does little to report on the millions of people who suffer in silence with mental illness. Most go quietly about their lives, keeping their diagnosis to themselves for fear of stigma. Who in their right mind would want to be identified with those who commit heinous acts? It is cringe worthy and makes those of us suffering from a mental illness want to hide our diagnosis even further.

Before another incident happens , I hope mental illness is discussed outside of the context of violence. Depression is often experienced privately, and painfully alone. Most who suffer from it hide away from society and do not engage in behavior that would draw attention to themselves.

I think all issues that pertain to mental illness should be drawn out of the shadows and discussed openly. I would be a vocal proponent of strict back round checks that some may perceive as violating the Second Amendment rights of those diagnosed with a disorder. To this I would say a big so what?! There is no reason for someone who may be a danger to themselves to own a weapon which they can turn against themselves. Take it from one who knows, when you are in a bipolar episode you are not in your right mind, your thinking is skewed and your actions questionable at best. The right to bear arms should not be afforded to those in the throes of insanity.

The Dark Corners of My Mind....

What do you do when you have been medicated for depression and the stuff of life still presents itself? I have been successfully medicated for depression but that doesn't stop life from still happening! Some days I deal with my feelings , some days I go to distractions like everyone else. It is incredibly hard to stay in the present when all you want to do is stay in bed! Life does go on though, and when you come out of a bipolar depression it is there waiting for you!

Last night I went to my sisters house for a birthday party for my mother and brother. My mother  recently went through surgery and so it was special for all of us to acknowledge her many contributions to our lives. She had her para thyroid removed so she is finding it difficult to talk. Her throat is sore and she gets tired easily. I was struck last night by how much she has meant to me in my struggles with mental illness. Along with the "normal" roles of mother and daughter we have also had the relationship of her being a caregiver. She has seen me through the worst of my episodes. When I cried a thousand tears she was there to give me encouragement and hope that things would be set right. I make no apologies that I have often fed off of her strength and determination. So, it has been difficult to see her suffering and frail. Her recent surgery brought home the fact that she , at 73, will not always be there and I went to bed last night afraid of the future without her.

There is no pill to cure fear and managing your emotions cannot be done by medicating them. I think there is a tendency to ask for more medication when feelings like fear, legitimate grief and sadness arise. I am bipolar but have the same reactions to life's difficulties as a "normal" person. In fact I think that bipolar disorder has made me more adept at  being a fully emotional human being. It is one of bipolar's greatest gifts to me;
I have been humbled into having a more accurate view of my emotional world. Yes, my mind tends to worry excessively which leads to depression but it also feels intensely. I love deeply, I fear greatly, I hope with unabashed determination. Such is my bipolar life! I don't think that is a bad thing nor do I want to medicate these feelings away. Rather than ask for more meds I am learning to sit with my emotions, acknowledge them and make a plan to deal with them.

My mind can go to some dark places. It should in some instances . I think it is the human experience to fear the future and have regrets about the past. The present is another thing entirely. I find it difficult to live in the now. I am a dreamer, a worrier, an introspective bipolar woman. What a combination! It is in my nature to reflect on life's questions and come up with even more questions. My mothers says I came out of the womb asking, "Why?"

My answers lately have been heart felt rather than intellectual. I respond to the fear of losing my mother with tears and then an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the role she has played in my life. I am grateful and somewhat overwhelmed by the love and support I receive in my bipolar struggles. Most of all I have been experiencing relief at my ability to cope with the emotions that arise during any given day. I feel stronger and more able to cope with life's ups and downs. Maybe the full realization of my emotional life is bipolar's great gift to me. Yes, I get too high and then too low, but in the in between time there is a quiet acceptance. For maybe the first time in my life I am OK with the way things presently are, good and bad. It is a blessing to be stable enough to be at peace even when life is happening. So here I am at 50 finally coming to terms with my bipolar diagnosis. The dark corners of my mind are being infused by light, not just with medication but with the knowledge that things can and will get better with time and effort. Finally, peace.

Positive Mondays...

Starting the work week can be rough. This week I only received 23 hours so it's a cake walk. I love that I can manage the hours easily now. It didn't always used to be so. I had a hard time recovering from a bipolar episode and threw myself into a job probably too early. My recovery was jump started though and I have progressed steadily ever since.

In the beginning I got advice on how to manage the start of a work week and I'd like to share it with the reader of this blog. I think they are great tips if you are bipolar. They help me stay on track while dealing with a mental illness. Here goes...

Make a list... I was advised to write things down in order to keep track of my week. Starting with a simple goal like "be on time" is easily accomplished if you are a stickler for it like me. Keeping it simple and getting it done puts you on a good "roll". There's nothing like checking off items from your list to make you feel good about your efforts!

Develop an attitude of acceptance... If you are bipolar like me, you can get discouraged when facing a set back. Say for instance you are late for work one day. Don't dwell on it. Look for ways to improve over time. The nature of bipolar is to get depressed and then swing into mania, so avoid the extremes by having realistic expectations for your week. Accept what comes your way by realizing that good and not so good things will happen. Stay on track by accepting the ups and downs of work life while holding the middle ground.

I have always had a hard time staying with a job for any length of time, so this advice really helped. Because I was diagnosed and receiving assistance from the county I was appointed a job coach. She is the one who passed on this info. It was great to know I could count on someone for support and I would recommend such help to anyone struggling with mental illness in the workplace.

We all need help sticking with it during a demanding work week. Having a mental illness makes it double hard. I'll take any advice and try any suggestion. I look forward to the day I can work full time. Working while in recovery has been quite a challenge, but I think I am getting stronger and better because of it! Good luck to you in your work week and if you are living with a disorder and are luck enough to have a job, hang in there!!

Bipolar happiness...

Is it demeaning to tell a person who is living with depression to choose happiness? Well, yes and no!

Depression is not a choice. It is a disease of the brain and just like any other illness has a mind of it's own. Telling someone in it's throes to just be happy is like telling a diabetic to just lower their blood sugar by using positive thoughts without the help of insulin!

 Depression makes me feel like I am swimming through mud. My speech is forced, my energy depleted. I lose my appetite but sometimes crave carbs and gain weight. Everything is affected. My movement is slow, I struggle to get out of bed and perform the simplest activities of daily living. It is in short, debilitating.

When I am in the grip of a bipolar depression conversation is difficult for me to follow. My brain feels like it is in a fog and even my cognition is slowed; so giving me advice to choose happiness falls on deaf ears. I can barely choose to take a shower let alone follow the advice to accomplish such an emotional task! In this state I am not choosing to be sad, I am more than sad, I am ill with a chemical imbalance.


For example; when I was in college my golf team went to Stanford to play in a tournament. We stayed in a very posh pool house that was just amazing. The owners house was huge and our coach stayed in it. We were basically on our own to have a ball. Even surrounded by teammates in a great environment playing a gorgeous golf course, I was in a dark depression. My circumstance didn't matter. I tried to will myself out of my funk and try to appreciate my surroundings, but it just wasn't happening. I remember waking up the first day and having the hardest time wanting to get out of bed. My head felt heavy on the pillow and I was terrified of facing the day let alone the competition. I played well that day but still remained clinically depressed. I had already been diagnosed three years before with bipolar disorder but wasn't faithful taking my meds so the depressions kept coming back, each one stronger than the one previous. My college years were marred by the illness and try as I might to choose happiness, depression and intermittent manias dominated my experience.

Over the years since, I have experience so many episodes of depression that I have lost count. If you were to tell me even 5 years ago to just choose happiness, your pleas would have been ridiculous. They still are! However, in stability, I do think that I am responsible for making choices that lead to wellness. Happiness , for me, is a result of the consequences of healthy choices. For instance, just like anyone else if I eat a dozen donuts and fail to exercise , I feel like crap! If I engage in unhealthy relationships or choose to participate in destructive behavior the result will be unhappiness. Just like everyone else I am accountable for my choices. So yes, I choose happiness every day when I take my meds. exercise , engage in relationships, and appreciate with gratitude the blessings in my life. You could even say that happiness is a side effect of a wellness routine!

I love to be happy, and I choose to engage in life in the most positive ways I can to feel that inner contentment. The people in my life hold me accountable for my actions that result in either further wellness or a downward spiral into depression. I am fully compliant right now, all in an effort to live a best life. So, yes, tell me to choose happiness when I am making a wrong turn, but be compassionate when I am struggling with a disease that is out of my control!

Emerging from broken...

Four years ago I had a bipolar episode that landed me in three different hospitals for a period of nine months. I emerged broken. Emotionally physically and spiritually I was spent. I have had to make the long hard climb back to being some semblance of myself. I literally lost Donna.

Starting life from scratch is a daunting effort. There is so much in life that is an accumulation of time. We have relationships and careers and family because we have invested time and effort into them. I was extracted from life for nine months. I lost time. It was kind of like what I imagine waking up from a coma would be like. I had regressed while others and life had moved on. So, I began a slow climb out of brokenness into wellness.

I tried to rebuild my life from the ground up. I wrote down all the qualities I wanted to possess. I wrote down where I wanted to be in a month and then a year and then in five years. At first the pain of the episode was too much to work through. I had a hard time attaining goals like "get a job" because I was hurting. I was embarrassed, sad, anxious, traumatized. As time went on and with the help of medication and therapy those feelings were resolved but it took a toll. After a year I was exhausted and reeling from the consequences of a major breakdown.

My mind was dull . I had a hard time concentrating. I visited a friend in La Quinta, Ca. several times and was almost a mute. I cared for this person with all my heart yet couldn't connect emotionally from my end. It was almost like an out of the body experience. I knew what I wanted to say and what I wanted to feel but I kept hitting a wall inside my mind. Frustration, staring into space and saying nothing was becoming a habit, and the times spent in a haze were many. I still don't know whether my brain had just taken a major beating or whether I was just afraid of reality. Whatever. I was dead inside. What a place to be! Who wants to start building the foundations of a personality at age 50??!!

That's exactly what I did though and I finally resolved to give my brain time to heal and begin to live again despite the illness. It has been a hard road back to life. So, how did I do it? Here's my advice to those in recovery from a mental illness crisis and those who love them.

Give it time...The brain is an organ of the body and a physical entity, so giving it time to heal after a trauma is essential. Medications need time for full efficacy. Resist the urge to try to rush into things until you have become stable. If you are a loved one be patient. You wouldn't expect someone with a broken back to walk immediately after surgery! The person you love will come back to you given time to heal. Base your expectations on the reality that a traumatic brain event has occurred and let the professionals and medications do their job.

Keep the faith... Recovery from a mental illness is possible. Yes, mental illness is chronic. You will be dealing with it for the rest of your life, and that often leads to despair. Faith is the belief that that which is unknown and unseen is possible, and this is entirely consistent with the current thought that there is hope for recovery from an episode. When tempted to give up do not be ashamed to "borrow" from the hope, strength and faith of professionals and friends. One of my favorite quotes on faith is from Kay Jameson. "Look to the living. Love them and hold on." Simply holding on is an act of faith. Your tomorrow will be better and the next one after that better still. You must believe that you will survive and thrive. If you area loved one, always reinforce the concept that THERE IS HOPE FOR RECOVERY! Come alongside the one you love with empathy and understanding but never diminish your expectations of a comeback. My friends and family always reassured me by their words and actions that I was loved and was accepted. They never lost faith that I would come back to the land of the living. I was able to draw strength form the fact that they were waiting for me.

Set goals and resolve to fight to attain them... Recovery from a mental illness is a battle. I have read a lot about accepting a diagnosis but I haven't read much on how to put up a fight for your life. Yes, I accept the fact that I live with a bipolar diagnosis. What I cannot accept is an assumption that it defines me and will determine the course of my life. I believe that in order for me to live my best life I will have to take a fighting stance against mental illness for the rest of my days. I started my fight for recovery by setting small goals like brush your teeth, take a shower go outside, stay out of bed, say hello. Yes it was like building a house from the ground floor up. With each step though daily life became more successful. I achieved goals like, having a conversation, taking a walk or going to therapy. After a long time I progressed to developing and enriching friendships, family relationships and getting and maintaining a job . It has taken me 4 years to heal and I am still doing the day to day work of recovery. If you are a loved one, fight as well. Educate yourself on mental illness. Become an advocate for your family member, friend or co-worker. Go to a therapy session, lend a helping hand and a leg up. Resist the temptation to give up and perceive the healing process as an unending journey. Things will resolve if you do not give up!

I hope these suggestions help in your dealings with mental illness. There is a future and a hope. I've learned this through my journey. I live today and hope for tomorrow. Above all I believe in the promise of a meaningful life despite bipolar disorder. It may be the biggest struggle in your lifetime but you can recover. This I know to be true! 

Steady as she goes...

It's been awhile since I wrote a blog. I haven't been depressed so as not to write and I haven't been manic so as not to be able to put a sentence together. I am in that in between state, I would call it stability. Stability is a double edged sword though. It's great to be off the bipolar roller coaster. Yet it is during these times that I struggle with certain feelings. They are the aftermath of an episode. Granted, I am tired after a bout of depression and even more exhausted after a manic phase, so my feelings are pretty raw. Yet I can see how in the calm of the storm, I begin to experience the emergence of feelings suppressed.

I feel regret.. Bipolar disorder is a thief. The main thing it steals from you is precious time. I spend so much of my days battling depression and time goes by without me engaging in life. I have deep regrets about the time I have lost and the experiences and relationships I have missed out on. There is no getting that time back so I have to be careful not to go gung ho after an episode of depression. I have to take my time to make up for lost time. I don't want to go manic playing catch up!

It is a delicate balance to remain stable in stability!

I mourn the past and memories "pop" up, interfering with the present... For instance last week in an attempt to cut my diet coke consumption I bought Arizona Iced Tea drops. No biggie right!? But it brought back of a memory of a board and care where I lived after the hospital where I did the same thing. The problem was that my housemate used to drink my Crystal Light in the middle of the night during one of his kitchen raids. There was no confrontation with him about it though. He was six-four and weighed about 240. He too was bipolar and often symptomatic and violent. His days were spent walking to the liquor store and smoking cigarettes and the occasional joint. His rants were disturbing at best and so I let his infraction be. I hated being around him let alone living with him. He was the stereotypical mental patient and I wanted nothing to do with him. I was angry that I was so sick that I had to share space with such a lost soul. Mostly I was at a loss as to how to cope with an impossible living situation. Memories of that time in recovery creep into my thought life and make it difficult to engage in the moment.

I grapple with the present... There is so much damage control after an episode of depression or mania. Not only do you feel compelled to make up for lost time, you seek to repair broken relationships and broken dreams. You lose things. I have, at times, lost the ability to make and maintain friendships, the fortitude to keep on a consistent career path and most of all the sustainability of hope to fulfill my dreams and desires. Depression is a dark place of the soul and it is devoid of hope. Hope is the element that usually drives me forward to pursuing my dreams yet it is sadly lacking in my  depressive episodes. So, once out of a deep depression , I access the destruction of every thing vital in my life and throw up my hands in surrender. It is too much and the effort to correct and repair everything is overwhelming. There is a kind of grief that sets in, which causes the cycle to start all over again. That is why it is so important in my opinion to acknowledge these losses. I need to get it out in order to move on.

I fear the future... My biggest fear is that I will have another major episode. Despite faithfully taking medication and seeking therapy I am afraid of another mania, another psychotic break. It is a terrifying thing to be afraid of yourself! As my Irish Grandmother used to say, "Wherever you go, there you are!" I am faced with the realization that my brain is fragile, it can and has been broken. What is paralyzing for me is the anticipation of yet another episode, another period of emotional bankruptcy.  How can you plan or hope for a future with bipolar disorder?

During these times I have to remind myself that I am not unique to these questions about the future. Every one struggles to keep the present in view and let the future take care of itself. I have to reconcile the fact that I am vulnerable to another episode and therefore must be on guard. In the present, I can do all I can to prevent another bipolar event. I need to trust the medication I am on. I need to give professionals, family and friends the permission to assess how I am doing and point out flaws in my thinking or behavior. Most of all I need to stay in the day and face it with as much courage as possible using all the tools I have learned.

I question whether or not I can answer the big question, "Will I have a life worth living while living with bipolar disorder?"... The answer is still not a resounding yes. I started out after this episode with a definite maybe and have progressed from a whispered, "I think I can", to a more confident, "I can if I work at it!" The missing ingredient that is rarely taught or acknowledged here is courage. It takes courage to put up a fight against a mental illness and even more courage to answer the questions it imposes. It is not only the big questions that beg answering but the little ones as well. "Do I have the ability to get out of bed today? Can I take a shower and face the day?" I believe you learn courage by living through the most difficult of times. It is a matter of living on despite an illness and clinging to hope despite all evidence to the contrary. So it will be in the daily living, the moments that add up, and the decisions I make that will determine the quality of my life.

So what am I going to do with all these feelings that come rushing in in the peace and calm of stability? I guess I am going to face the difficult questions and participate anyway! Feelings, I am learning, are neither good or bad , they just are. So I am grateful that I am feeling at all. Not numb like in depression and not euphoric to the point of oblivion like in mania, but rather in a balanced state of mind, in a place to heal and feel at the same time. It will be interesting to see how long I can preserve this period of stability. I hope it lasts for a significant amount of time so I can face all my doubts and fears and enter a new phase of my life.

I want the future to be filled with solid achievements and consistency. That's the next step in my recovery. If I move beyond my feelings of remorse, grief,sadness and fear, I believe I can live fully with a mental illness diagnosis. I don't want to stay stuck in depression and miss out on life, neither do I want to be so out of touch in mania that I lose precious time. Even keel. steady as she goes, stability, consistency, balance, these are the words I want to hallmark my progress. Bipolar has claimed enough of my life and I recognize that it is time to take some of the ground back. Here, in stability, is where the hard work of recovery really begins.

Brain fog

I have been reading a lot lately about "Brain Fog." It's a symptom of bipolar disorder. Feeling scatterbrained, at a loss for words, trouble concentrating, memory loss are all some of it's hallmarks. I have experienced all of these symptoms and more. It's debilitating and frankly annoying.

When I first heard about brain fog, I laughed and dismissed it. It kinda sounded ridiculous and somewhat humorous, like the cartoons depicting a cloud hanging over a depressed person. The more I read however, the more I recognized it's symptoms in my own experience.

I went through a period of time after my latest episode where I had went quiet. I groped for things in conversation and preferred to stay silent. I retreated into myself as my depression grew worse. It was a nightmare. It was as if the words were blocked by an invisible shield and I had to make a herculean effort to get them out. I remember visiting a friend and having not seen her in a while, had so much to say, yet I was at a complete loss on how to communicate. The words just weren't there.

When you are depressed it's like the whole world goes gray. It's like you are drowning but don't have the energy to kick to the surface. When I go silent it feels like my speech is forced. Not only is a cognitive problem but an emotional one as well. I just don't think I have anything to offer to the conversation. Sad and angry at the sadness, I become the ultimate introvert, staying inside the prison of my own mind. The weird thing is I know it's happening and although frustrated and embarrassed I can't stop it. I's disconcerting for me and confusing for those around me. My best friend had the best description of my state at these times. She said I was like a snow globe and had to be shaken every once in a while! It's true , in those moments of absolute silence I feel motionless, stuck and still. I don't like the feeling and maybe the term brain fog fits.

As I engage in life again I have found one advantage to my time of quietness. I have become a better listener. I relied for so long on the abilities and participation of others in conversation that I reflectively listen. What I mean is that I put great importance on what the other person is trying to say. That has turned out to be an asset. I also appreciate the clarity that comes when the fog lifts. It is like seeing , hearing or tasting things for the first time. Life is worth the living again. Once out of that funk nothing is taken for granted. Most especially I am grateful for the people that didn't give up on me while I was in the throes of depression. They made up for the silence by initiating and carrying the conversations that eventually brought me back to myself.

The Donna I want to be is an engaged and vital one. I hate being in a fog and resent that it is apart of my disorder. I will continue to stay on the right medicines to combat it and strive to engage regardless of how I am feeling. I think that one of the neglected aspects of recovery is the idea that a life worth having is worth fighting for. It has taken me many years to recognize that mental illness is a formidable foe and will destroy your life if not managed. It can be overcome though. It takes hard work, perseverance and the help of others to see you through those soul sapping depressions. I do believe though that you can co
me out on the other side stronger and a better human being. The world has so much to say, now I am part of the conversation and for that I give thanks.

Words that matter...

Last night I did a stupid thing. I wrote about mental illness when angry at the very illness itself. Not good policy for a blogger who is trying to help others gain insight into a bipolar disorder. Thank God it only got two reads before I deleted it!

The subject of my blog was whether words matter when discussing mental illness. Words like psycho, crazy disturbed, nuts, are all being singled out to be eradicated from our speech so as not to stigmatize mental illness. I get it. I have been extremely hurt by these words in my own journey with bipolar disorder. I too think they should be removed from the conversation. However, I don't think some things should be changed. It is being suggested that we say a person is "living with"mental illness instead of suffering from it. I beg to differ. I suffer from mental illness. In every sense of the word my life is affected by bipolar disorder. I suffer from extreme depression. It is debilitating. I feel like I am swimming in mud, trapped in a pit with no light and no way out. I feel like everyone else is breathing and living their lives out while I am gasping for air. It is suffering at it's zenith. I think that if others get a glimpse of how painful it is they will respond with empathy and understanding. Isn't that what stigmatization is all about? The misunderstanding of the impact and nature of these mental illness with the result of labeling us with words like psycho and crazy?


The new vernacular when discussing mental disorders is confusing. Another suggestion has been to change the word Schizophrenia to a more socially acceptable name. I don'r know what that word would be. I do know that bipolar disorder used to be called manic-depression. Perhaps it was thought that manic was too controversial of a word to describe the experience. Mania conjures up images of bizarre behavior and out of control actions. Perhaps the word mania in labeling the disease was more stigmatizing than "bipolar". I have even read recently that we should take the "mental" out of mental illness" and seek a more holistic moniker. I can see how these attempts are being made to make mental illness more acceptable to society but are we losing something in the process? We quibble over words when so much else needs to be done.

I think the most effective way to fight stigma is to put a face to the diagnosis. If a person sees a living breathing person behind the label, they are much more likely to be open to their experience. The more that people come out and share their stories the better. It's hard to stigmatize when given a lot of information on the plight of a person.

Mental illness is like any other disease, it affects people, living breathing human beings! We are not our diagnosis. I am not a bipolar. I am Donna. It is important to make that distinction. I believe that if we get to know the people behind the diagnosis we will be less apt to discriminate and to label. If you know me as a mother, a daughter, a sister,a friend you will not see me as someone consumed by a mental illness. Yes, I suffer from it, it takes it's toll, but it does not define me. I hope I am defined by more than just mania and depression! Like everyone else on a journey to become a fully realized human being, I want to be seen as compassionate, kind, loving and gracious. These are all qualities that I need to work on, just like everyone else. I am much more than my diagnosis and I hope that the more people hear stories like mine,
the closer we will be to a true picture of what it's like to be mentally ill.

Why I stopped feeling sorry for myself...

When I initially received my bipolar disorder diagnosis I was very young and didn't realize all the implications of having a mental illness. I didn't think dealing with it would be too hard. Just take the lithium and I would be fine. I didn't realize how hard the journey would be, Now that I am 25 years into it, I can see how difficult living with a chronic illness can be, but I don't feel sorry for myself.

There are times when this illness has been devastating. But I went on mostly out of stubbornness. I wouldn't give in to an opponent that clearly had the power to impact my life. I didn't feel sorry for myself because I knew that the illness could become an asset. It didn't have to be a death sentence. Quite frankly I could see how people around me were affected so much more.

When I was in the hospital I shared a room with another bipolar woman. She was completely manic and decided to vent her rage on me. One night when I was reading she jumped on my bed and proceeded to try to choke me. I cried out for staff and they had to pull her off me. She was taken to the most restrictive ward and I was left alone in my room for a night. As sick as I was I remember thinking how fortunate I was to be lucid. I moved on from that experience because I never wanted to be in that vulnerable position again.

It's funny what changes a person. From my terrible experiences in the hospital I gained much insight into my own illness. I determined at some point that I would get well and roll with whatever circumstance and fate presented to me. I am still of the same mind. I don't think that my illness can win over what the promise of what is  in front of me. The future need not be tainted with the fact that I have a mental illness. In fact I have been given a sort of advantage over most. I have been to the rock bottom and survived. Nothing scares me now and no situation seems insurmountable.

I have been given a great gift. I have learned how precious life is, and how fleeting a moment can be. My father has always quoted a verse of Thomas Paine to me when things get tough. "Catch the joy as it flies and leap into eternity's sunrise." I believe  the lesson of this quote to be true. It is in my power to choose to be joyous regardless of the circumstances. I can choose life, even a bipolar life. So Ive quit feeling sorry for myself and am viewing my life as one filled with blessings. I may be mentally ill but I can over come it with persistence and the help of professional, friends and family.

So here is to a life without pity. I don't accept it from myself and won't expect it from others. I am bipolar ,   but I am strong and willing to fight. It's easy to fight a fight when you are sure of winning. It takes pluck however to fight when you are not sure of the outcome. I have to believe that the struggle is worth it, and winning is a possibility. So I will not engage in a pity party just because I have a mental illness. Better to bipolar than a lot of things! I will continue to fight the good fight and let the chips of my life fall where they may.

Mother's day musings...

I should have written this post on Sunday. Mothers day however is a mixed bag for me. I am so grateful for my two sons and the interaction I have with them but I still experience grief at the loss of so much in our lives. So it's a hard day to come to grips with how I am feeling about being a Mom. Especially a Mom with bipolar disorder.

My divorce was finalized 15 years ago. In it, my ex was awarded custody of my two sons. At the time I was very ill and a resident at a board and care where I was trying to recuperate from several episodes of depression and mania. There was no way I could care for Danny and Jake. So because I was ill with a mental illness and suffering the financial, emotional and physical consequences of that, I was given joint legal custody but lost physical custody. It has taken a long time to get over it. I know that the possibility of caring for two young boys was out of the question for me, and I could reconcile it in my mind. The problem was, and is, that I have never reconciled the loss in my heart.

So on mothers day I try to focus on the relationship that I have with the boys despite not seeing them everyday. I make the phone calls necessary to keep up on their lives. I go to the big events whenever possible and celebrate all the holidays with them.  Mostly, I try to stay connected even though I am separated physically from them. It's hard. I have missed so much and still struggle with the parameters of our relationship.

On Mother's day I want to do all the things that "normal" mothers do. I want to wake up to groggy boys who protest going out for brunch. I want to receive goofy cards and silly presents. I want I want I want! I am not neglectful by design but I am limited by circumstances and that has been the problem. It's like I have this valve in my heart that turns on the pain whenever I have to say goodbye after a visit. When I am with them the joy I feel is tempered by the knowledge that I am an occasional physical presence in their lives and not a constant one. It's hard and the thing is , is that it hasn't gotten easier over time. I "got over" the divorce, I have dealt with my mental illness but I have not fully recovered  from the losses associated with my motherhood.

Therapy helps somewhat. I am learning that I need to  stay in the present and stay connected. when I am grieving and in pain I retreat into myself. So in order to stay focused on what's happening now I need to acknowledge the pain and press on anyway. It's hard. There are times when I feel like giving into the grief and quitting. I know however that I can serve as an example of resilience to my sons. Maybe that is my mission, to show them that you can go on even after such a stunning loss.

We are celebrating Mother'
s day this weekend because of scheduling issues. It's a week late but I don't care. Just to see my boys is enough for me. I relish their smiles and cherish our moments together. Danny is becoming a young man. He is 15 and going through all the teenage angst. Jake is 22 and trying to find his way in life through trial and error. Whatever. What's important is that they come to me when life is hard. I think they feel like I understand and can commiserate.

Motherhood sure has turned out different for me than I anticipated 22 years ago. Yes, I still get a twinge of heartache whenever a visit is over or an event is missed. Yet I have to console myself that I am achieving what matters most. My sons know that I love them because I am there. I tell them constantly that I love them. I think I have opened up to them so that they feel comfortable talking about anything and everything to me. That is rare, bipolar or not. In short. although my mental illness has taken it's toll, I have not let it consume me. I am a mom. I hope for them, I pray for them. I hold them deep in my heart.

Staying stubborn...

I am without a doubt the most stubborn person I know. Maybe I am thick headed, but I honestly believe that if I keep trying to get my life back I will.

Three and a half years ago my world fell apart. I had a manic episode that landed me in a sequence of three hospitals in 9 months. I lost everything. When I got out of the last hospital I was just recently emancipated from being conserved by the state. I was considered gravely disabled and put into a program that would help me find housing and provide me with health care. That was it . My re-entry into my life was at the survival level. Food, shelter and medication were the basics that I needed help with. It had gotten that bad.

I left the hospital with 150.00 and a box of clothes. My program took me shopping at Target and I got some of the basic hygiene and clothing necessities. I was placed in  a board and care called Scandia in Long Beach. It was awful. My roommate was a former homeless woman who had a knack for hoarding. The tenants walked around like zombies and while not bumming cigarettes sat around a filthy courtyard doing nothing all day. Cigarettes and soda were like gold. Since I had the 150 I had both so I was pestered constantly. Luckily there was a library close by and I delved into reading again, a skill that I had lost in the hospital. I started writing this blog. There was a woman there that I made friends with and the two of us took buses all around Long Beach. In short, I started to recover.

I moved from Scandia to a home. It was also a board and care but had only six tenets as opposed to  72. I lived with four men and one other woman.. We all had a mental illness and were all very sick. We were cared for by a Philipino caregiver named Mai Ling. What I remember about her most is that after dinner she snuck away to the backyard to smoke cigars! We all shared one bathroom and tried to get along. I was only there six months before moving to a sober living house.I don't have drug and alcohol issues but the 16  other woman who did shared the small house with me. After 6 months with two roommates I moved again, this time to a room of my own. It was a t Cypress House where I waited to get placed in the apartment I have now. With each housing situation came new levels of recovery.The last year though has been the most remarkable and I have flourished in my own place.

Like I said I am stubborn. It occurred to me to give up and several times I did only to pick up the pieces and start all over again. I put my head down, and in survival mode, bullied my way through recovery. Just this last year I have been able to look up and assess what has happened and where I want things to go.

Where I want to go is further into recovery. What I mean is that I want back the things that mental illness has taken away. My sense of self respect, the ability to think clearly and attain attainable goals. I have to believe that there is life after a mental health crisis and maybe I can pass on that hope to others.

I have been to the bottom of the well. My 9 months in mental hospitals were beyond life altering. They proved that life is fragile and we best take care in how we approach it. I remember being closed in for 9 months. There were no windows on the unit and I only saw the outside during smoke breaks. That absence of light, such a fundamental part of everyday life was missing for so long that I still breathe in the air when I go outside. I take it in in long breaths, grateful just to be out, free and able to consume air.. It's funny what you take for granted. Hospital life made it very clear that there was life full of blessings "out there."

So now I am out there.When I get discouraged I remember the hospital and the housing situations I have been in. I breathe in and remind myself of the losses I felt and of the tremendous sense of release I felt when out of the hospital. I count my blessings everyday. I am curious to see how it all turns out. Most of all I see in my minds eye the people who I love and those who have helped me come so far. I know that there is much to accomplish , But I think I am up to the task. Life moves on and me with it. Bipolar I may be but I will face it and see it through.

Tragedy and the mentally ill.

So here we are again talking about mental illness in the wake of another tragedy. It made me sick to my stomach to hear of the most recent episode of a mentally ill individual involved in a heinous crime. By now
everyone now knows that the co-pilot of the German wings airplane that crashed into the French Alps, crashed the plane deliberately. He committed suicide along with mass murder. All major news networks are covering the story. I am a CNN watcher and the story is a major focus of their news cycle. It is all over the place that the co-pilot was suffering from psycho-somatic illnesses brought on by depression. He had a major depressive episode in 2009 and was treated with anti-psychotic injections. He hid his condition from his employer and flew on a day that a doctors note said he was unfit to fly.


I am reluctant to write about this story in my blog because it sickens me and it is beyond disturbing that an illness that I suffer from may have been the cause of such an act of violence. The reality is that a mentally ill person is much more likely to be a victim of a crime than a perpetrator. That fact however is disregarded when every tragedy that is a result of violence seems to be attributed to the mentally ill. Whenever I hear of a mass shooting or a violent tragedy involving an individual with questionable mental health issues, I cringe. The stories that come out afterwards are replete with misinformation that result in the stigmatization of those with mental illnesses like depression and bipolar disorder. Yet most of these stories point to one fact, that untreated mental illness is dangerous and those who are non-compliant with treatment can be a threat to themselves and others.

I am in treatment for bipolar disorder. I have experienced both major depressive episodes and major manic episodes. I have experienced psychosis and was treated with injections of Invega, an anti-psychotic medication. I now take Invega orally, along with a medication regimen of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. I have never contemplated hurting anyone, even myself. I am reluctant to admit these facts though for fear of being misjudged. I follow my treatment plan to the letter. I see a psychiatrist and faithfully take my medications and see a therapist. I am so hyper responsible that I don't even drive for fear that my meds slow my reaction time. I err on the side of caution and I hold myself responsible for my actions regardless of a bipolar disorder.

I realize that such full disclose is risky. What will people think? Will they lump me in with those who are so negatively portrayed in the media? What if my employer finds out that I am mentally ill? I have had to face these questions and have come up with the answer. More people who have struggled with mental health issues and have persevered and even succeeded, should speak out to decrease the stigma associated  with mental illness.

It is unconscionable that Libitz was able to pilot that airplane. I don't believe you are capable of certain things when severely depressed. I never make a major decision when depressed, I don't take on responsibilities that are beyond my ability to handle. I am very careful in my actions and relationships. If you are being treated and are compliant with treatment I believe you should do the same thing. If you are mentally ill and refuse treatment and or are refusing to take medication ,I believe that is dangerous. You are flirting with disaster. If you do not pose a threat to others, you , at the very least, pose a threat to yourself. You may not self-harm, but you will suffer the loss of relationships, employment, and parts of yourself.

During a news story like this it is very difficult to "come out" and admit to a mental illness. There is so much stigma surrounding diseases of the brain and no one wants to be seen as different. The stigma is only increased when the media covers one of these events. The words madman, crazy and psychotic are thrown around way too easily. In reality there are millions of people who suffer from some form of mental illness. One in four adults suffer from a mental disorder. The vast majority of those millions suffer silently. They suffer as they go about their daily lives, lives filled with the activities of daily living that "normal" people experience. They keep their illness hidden for fear of being found out and discriminated against. They keep their illness hidden because they are ashamed.

Hopefully in the wake of the latest tragedy there will be more discussion about the realities of mental illness. I fear however that because of the stigma surrounding diseases of the brain, less will be said and more assumed. It should not be assumed because of a few random instances that depression is attention seeking. The hallmark of my depression is that I isolate, hide and fall under the radar. Many,like me withdraw and try to go about their activities of daily living with great difficulty. Those who suffer so should really speak out at a time like this so others will know that we, if treated, are not a threat.

Treatment is the key here. It is my responsibility to take my medication , to seek help and disclose my illness so I can get the treatment I need. I am not ashamed anymore to admit I have a mental illness. What I would be ashamed of is to ignore the symptoms and consequences of bipolar disorder and let it dominate my life. I don't want it to influence my thinking and actions. SO, I go forward being hyper vigilant. Although being vocal about a mental illness can help to irradicate stigma, I believe that one's actions determine others perceptions. We need people who have a mental illness and are being proactive in their treatment to speak out and serve as examples of what mental illness really looks like.

Murder in Palm Springs.

On February 21 a Palm Springs woman was murdered behind a local boarded up car dealership. Denee Salisbury was a 48 year old homeless woman who was described by family as suffering from OCD and manic-depression. I read about her story in the Desert Sun newspaper and immediately posted it to my page. It shook me up. Her murder sent chills through me and then I became angry. As a free society we honor peoples rights to live however they choose, but how can we let the mentally ill homeless live out such a savage existence. Can't we DO something?

Not only was Denee mentally ill and homeless so was her alleged killer. Verne Orlop, 52, had been in and out of prison his whole adult life . IN the past 5 years he has been in Patton State hospital 3 times . The fact that he was released to go back to the streets is a tragedy in itself. There is a revolving door system in place that allows a ill person to be released as soon as they are medicated enough to be deemed competent. The problem is that many stop taking meds as soon as they walk out of the hospital and are soon as bad or worse off than they were before commitment. As Denee's family said, she was the most well when in prison and forcibly medicated. After that and left to her own devices she fell through the cracks of the system and spiraled into the hell of life on the streets.

There is a new commitment law in place that allows a judge to force an individual with a mental illness into treatment if several factors are present. They must be a danger to themselves or others and have a track record of repeat incarcerations and hospitalizations. Kendra's law was put on the books and named after Kendra Webdale who was pushed in front of a subway train by a chronically homeless schizophrenic man. The problem is that the decision of who is a danger to others is often left to police with the family being ignored or disregarded. Warning signs as to the schizophrenic pusher were all over the place. He was repeatedly hospitalized, incarcerated and arrested for misdemeanor crimes.  Warning signs as to Denee's fate were all over the place too. Her family tried to help but went unheard and ignored. The area she was killed in is a blight in the city of Palm Springs , populated with the criminally insane. The tragedy is that it is left to continue unchecked. Th
e area behind that car dealership is still populated with the homeless, mentally ill. It is not being cleared out and the residents sent to treatment. It is being left unchecked to the disgrace of the system. The point is ,the system is irreparably broken. We need to start from scratch.

Why don't e set up systems to catch the chronically homeless mentally ill before they fall through the cracks, before they commit a crime? The botom line is their should be strong commitment laws in place and places, yes institutions where the severley, criminally and perpetually mentally ill should be placed. The model of community care and the promise of revolutionary drugs has failed. People are dying with their "Rights on". In other words under the guise of freedom those who are the most ill are left to their own devices. Care should be enforced, not optional when certain criteria are met.

We cannot mourn the loss of a Denee in our society without taking some responsibility for her murder. She should never have been allowed to remain on the streets because of an untreated mental illness. There should be laws that forced her into treatment and placed her in a rehabilitative environment. Her rights should have been superseded by  a mandate that would ensure her sanity. We could have protected her and our society from mentally ill people like her murderer. Anything short of this is a disgrace and inhumane!

Staying in the zone!

Spring forward, spring into symptoms of my mental illness. All of my episodes but one have occurred in the spring and summer. MY worst episodes , except for the most recent occurred in the summer, so it is with great fear and trepidation that I approach this season.

Both of my boys were born in the month of August. I had manic episodes and postpartum psychosis. It was a struggle to take care of them as infants and without the help of my mother I don't think i would have been able to pull through. My mania took the form of excessive energy in the form of cleaning . My house was spotless, and at a time that I should have been exhausted from the experience of childbirth my energy knew no bounds. I was promptly medicated because I was rapidly spiraling out of control. My speech was rapid and ranged in subject from politics to religion. I became spiritually and mentally grandiose. My thought life went unchecked and I felt I had to study and learn about a variety of topics. My money was spent on endless books, reading became a all consuming activity. It is a wonder that I bonded at all with my children. I was preoccupied with so many manic activities. I skipped from project to project and wore myself thin with ceaseless housework. I finally hit the wall when medicated with Seroquel. It was like someone  threw my brain against a wall. Splat, everything stopped and I entered a state of bland, pervasive depression.

Since that period of postpartum mania I have had several episodes of mild or hypo-manic states of bipolar disorder. The most recent episode was off the charts though. I spent the summer in a real funk, depressed beyond imagining. I had trouble doing the most simple of life skills. Showering was an effort, self care was something I couldn't even fathom. I finally had had it and made a conscious effort to regain some balance. I went too far. I changed meds, increased my activity to a manic pace and disregarded the advice and warnings of others. It wasn't soon after that I started to not make sense. I was manic, and psychotic in no time. I went from one polar to another. My father called the police on me and they issued a 51-50 (involuntary hold) on me due to my irritability and psychotic behavior. It seems I went ballistic when they told me I couldn't smoke in the police cruiser! I was told later that I ranted and raved on the way to the hospital and upon arrival there I was put in restraints. The majority of my first three months in the hospital are a blur. My memory of the 9 month hospitalization begins with the 2nd hospital that I was placed in and continued through the 3rd. Yep, it took 9 months to get me out of a manic storm.

So this summer my goal is to be centered, to be stable to remain even keel. I know that good things and bad will come, but I want to remain unfazed. I don't trust my brain to take the good with the bad, to stay neither depressed or manic. I crave a sense of balance and I am going to do everything in my power to achieve that state of being. The things I am going to so are pretty basic. Getting enough sleep, excercising , eating right and practicing mindfulness are all going to be part of the program. And yes beyond all else, following the doctors advice and counsel on how to approach my medication.

It amazes me that people drink and do drugs to achieve states of ecstasy. I'll settle for sanity. The true test of my summer will be to enter the fall confident that I spent the season productive, healthy and happy. Not too low and not too high. Just right. I want to enter the zone. Mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally achieving yet staying in a balanced state of mind. Will I do it? I can only give it my best shot. That could be enough!

Random Recovery Thoughts...

I have been working now for six months. After the first week I would not have thought I'd make it this far. It is a job that requires you to work with the public and quite frankly at the time I wanted to retreat from the world. That is a killer if you suffer from mental illness. Isolation is so detrimental to wellness and I was getting used to it.

Living alone is not that difficult for me. After my hospitalization, I was placed in 4 different living situations all with roommates included, so I am loving my single bedroom apartment. I admit that sometimes I get in nesting mode and do only the simple things. I love to read and there is nothing better than cozying up to a good book. For a long time though,I didn't want to do anything other than that. I was in a state of shock from my stay in the hospital and all the subsequent consequences of living in chaotic environments I literally was in survival mode and had to learn to live again outside of that state of being. I had survived the last 3 years by putting my head down and plowing forward. There was little room for pursuing any other goals except for getting better.

Now I am interested in engaging with other people again. Work has helped, by getting me out there. I want to do more though. Like anyone else I want to have relationships and experiences that enhance my life. For so long I isolated not only because I was ill but because I was ashamed that I was ill. I didn't want to make myself vulnerable to scrutiny. I was afraid people were going to ask me questions that could only be answered by, "Well I am bipolar." Foe example, how do you explain a 5 year gap in your life's history?!  On my resume I had to highlight the jobs I had 10 20 years ago. If asked why I didn't see my kids often the answer always involves my bipolar diagnosis. Frankly I get sick of it and feel that if anyone knew the real story they would be put off.

I am getting over that way of thinking. The realization that it only leads to isolation is one of the reasons. The other is that I have come to know that everyone if asked has their"stuff". We have all been through trial and tribulation, that's what makes us who we are. I have learned compassion and empathy. I have experienced grief and loss, all because of my mental illness. I hope this has made me a better human being. What I do know is that because of my experiences I want to connect with others. I am getting to the point where i am ok with sharing my struggles with mental illness and the life events that resulted from my bipolar disorder. I still care what people think but I am more confident that my opinion is the opinion that matters most.

So onward I go, working hard not only at work but also in my recovery. I have definitely reached a new phase in my recovery process. I am looking forward and trying to perceive how I want my life to look. One of the problems I have with building up my connections and activities is that I don't drive.  Even if I had a car I am reluctant to drive on the psychiatric meds I am on. My best friend suggested Uber. I am definitley going in that direction. My world needs to expand in order for me to reach my goal of full recovery.

Full recovery. That's the goal, that I didn't think was possible a year ago. Today I believe that I am gettting closer to reaching that goal and  living a life that matters. I love and am loved. I appreciate the world around me and am finally in a state where I can participate. To shy away from it all because of self stigma is simply not acceptable anymore. I don't want to have regrets and I don't want to live my life hiding because I am bipolar. I am learning to put myself in situations where I have to engage. So, as for life, bring it on! I am better. I am getting well, and I am ready for the next step in my journey!

Fight the good fight!

OK, so you have had enough. If you have been diagnosed with a mental illness or are caring for someone who is ill, chances are that at times you have contemplated giving up. Don't! Before you throw in the towel, consider using some of the tactics I have learned in my fight against bipolar disorder.

Know your enemy!  You have got to come to terms that you are in a fight for your life so it would be wise to sum up your foe. Educate yourself on every aspect of mental illness so there are no surprises. It is a battle so be prepared!

Gather your resources!  No one in their right mind would consider tackling cancer without a doctor. Why should mental illness be any different? You need medical attention. Get the help you need as quickly as you can. Make that first appointment and keep it!

Borrow from others!  Don't be afraid to borrow the strength and hope of those who love and care for you. It is impossible to go it alone in the fight for your wellness. When you are sick you may not be able realize that a new day is coming. If you are a caregiver you may have just run out of answers. So surround yourself with substantial , positive people and heed their advice and sound logic. Go to a support group and vent! There is no shame in acknowledging that
you cannot go it alone. I make no apologies for admitting that bipolar is too big and strong for me to tackle by myself. Reach out and get help!

Cultivate a fighting spirit!   This is a biggie! You must learn to fight and not just be a reactive victim. Mental illness is a formidable foe and must be matched with strength and resolve. I had to realize that I was in a fight for my life, only then did I take my bipolar disorder seriously enough to engage it. I learned by picking myself up every time I had an episode and coming back to the battle with new weapons. Perhaps I got some new advice from a friend or read an article on mental illness that shed new light on my disorder. I brought these new insights into the struggle. It is a constant learning curve and I had to realize that my chronic illness would have to be a life long battle as well. So rather than just being a passive victim and calling it quits I chose to fight. I figure my loved ones are worth it, my life is worth it, so why not put up a good one!?!

These are just a few of my strategies for fighting against mental illness. Most of the time they have worked for me. If you try them and things still do not get better please reach out and get the help you need. For family members and loved ones, caretakers and colleagues I would suggest contacting NAMI. Their website is nami.org, The National Association for the Mentally Ill is an excellent resource for all mental illness concerns. If you are someone who is struggling with mental illness and feel like you are wanting to give up or harm yourself call the National Suicide hotline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). It is not just for those who have suicidal thoughts but also those who are struggling with other mental health related issues. Reach out! Get the help you deserve and protect your valuable life!!

Fitting in...

Being bipolar is a hassle. The constant ups and downs, the medication , the side effects, the therapy involved to keep you stable, can all wear on you. The thing that makes me the most exhausted is the thoughts that run through my head. The most pervasive is the notion that I don't fit in. I am different . I self stigmatize and that is a real problem.

So what is self stigmatization? We hear a lot about stigma  the tendency of society to discredit the experiences of the mentally ill. In a perfect world the mentally ill would be met with compassion not prejudice, respect for their struggle not pity. However the reality is that most people shrink from those struggling with a brain disorder. The ignorance surrounding mental illness is pervasive. There are stereotypes that portray us as crazy, lazy. homeless, beyond the reaches of societies norms. All these attitudes tend to affect he individual who is suffering. I sometimes fall into this trap. I self stigmatize by thinking less of myself. I isolate, I stay silent about my illness, and get the feeling that I am not accepted like others who are not bipolar.

It is an awful thing to compare your experience to others. My experience has been tragic in some ways, in others quite successful. I am a true bipolar person! Yet it is those experiences that set me apart. Some of those experiences have been frightening indeed! I'll never forget the horror I felt when I found out one of my roommates in a board and care back round. She had been in prison for assault with a deadly weapon. Apparently she had run over a cop while trying to evade a drug bust. I was terrified of her. Can you imagine the fear I had of setting her off? One time she claimed someone in the house had eaten her Philly cheese steaks. At 5 in the morning she walked around the place ranting and screaming obscenities at us all. It was unnerving. I felt trapped and appalled that I was put in the same living situation as her. What had I become that I was in the same category as such a deranged individual?

When I in a crowd I am a people watcher. I often wonder how those passing by exist without the burden of mental illness. Some look so carefree, others look concerned and in a rush, but they are getting things accomplished, things I have difficulty achieving. I know this is bad policy to make such comparisons, but my recent time in episode makes me insecure. The last hospitalization lasted 9 months and the recovery from it has been slow. I mean, how many people have gone through such a horror.?

I have finally am coming to the conclusion that I am different, and that's OK. My bouts of mental illness and the subsequent recovery times have made me resilient. I may not fit the mold of what is "normal" but I can celebrate my unique experiences. Sure, some were horrible. But mixed in with the tragic have been periods of wellness and happiness. I am not unique in my ups and downs. Doesn't everyone experience highs and lows? We all have our "stuff". Because of the severity of my bipolar disorder I have learned how to manage my stuff even when life's circumstances seem impossible. I have clung to hope and the belief that "good things are possible even with a mental illness diagnosis.

O.K. so I am different. I am quirky I am somewhat of a geek and at times I don't fit in. But who cares. My bipolar disorder does set me apart . However, I can learn to accept that  I have a brain disorder that
makes normalcy difficult. I can reconcile my illness by realizing that everyone has common concerns and I am in a position to empathize with those who have difficulties with their illnesses whether physical or mental. It has always been my wish to reach out and help people who are struggling. Perhaps my bipolar disorder gives me the compassion to do so. Perhaps I am blessed in this regard .Above all I hope I can contribute and in this way use my challenges to better those around me. I have been given so much, it is time to give back. I may be different because of mental illness, but I am the same in my hopes and dreams for a better tomorrow. Above all I hope.            

Getting better, being well.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how much better I am after my last episode , but questioning if I am well. So what's the difference?

If you start at rock bottom any progress is a sign that you are getting better. Being well implies a whole different dimension. Wellness in my mind is a state where all facets of your life are in sync. Your physical, emotional , spiritual and mental life are all vibrant and satisfying. You are on a path to a healthy happy life.   That is my definition of wellness and it is still a goal of mine. I am making progress but am still far from the finish line.

I started this episode being extremely sick. I was hospitalized for nine months and remember only sketchy details. During my stay I was deemed "gravely disabled" by the state, I was conserved and all decisions regarding my care were channeled through a conservator that was appointed to me by the state. One of the things I do remember was my court date to be emancipated. The judge asked me if I considered myself mentally ill and I replied with a resounding yes. She was impressed with my insight into my illness and ended my conservatorship which allowed for my release from a locked unit. I regained my right to vote and my drivers license. Looking back I can't believe I was in such a situation. Considering how ill I still was the judge ordered that I be released to a board and care where my basic needs were met and my medication regulated. It was a first step in a very long journey.

I did get better but I was a long way from wellness. My environments contributed to my slow progress. Living among the severely mentally ill was traumatic for me. Even though I was still exhibiting bipolar symptoms and the after effects of an manic episode, those around me seemed so much worse. I couldn't handle the atmosphere of the board and cares so I basically shut down emotionally. I was getting better but not well!

When  look back on my living situations I can't believe I survived. They were stereotypical in their awfulness. They were something out of a horror movie and if I did not experience them first hand I would think they were made up. Over two years I lived in 5 different places. I had 4 roommates in the hospital, was among 70 residents in a board and care in Long Beach, had 6 house mates in Carson, 16 housemates in Garden Grove and 4 house mates in Orange. It is no wonder that I feel so good about my present situation in my own apartment! I am finally able to concentrate on my wellness unhampered by my surroundings and the presence of ill roommates. Since getting my place I think I have made major strides in all the areas of wellness and am on the right road.

For me  wellness is a step above getting better. Anything was better than how I was! So now I have raised the bar for myself and set goals that are tough but reachable. I maintain an apartment, work and am faithful to my medication routine. It sounds pretty basic but there is no way I could have accomplished these things 3 years ago. I was that ill! I consider myself lucky to have come this far. I responded to medication and somehow endured the trials of living dependently. Now that I am independent, I can concentrate on the areas of my life that need improvement. It is a tough journey but one I am more than willing to make. I believe I can not only survive a mental illness but thrive with a bipolar diagnosis. I have hope in the future and look forward to a brighter tomorrow! I want to be well!!

Taking a vacation from mental illness!

I am closer to my goal of visiting my best friend in La Quinta. I found out today that my request for days off was approved and now I just need to make sure it is on the schedule tomorrow. Visiting LQ is one of the best therapeutic measures I have in my arsenal. It is breathtakingly beautiful and will be in the 80's when I am there. It is so gorgeous and serene that my whole being feels at peace.

I have visited LQ when ill though. There was such a contrast between the beauty of the place and the ugliness of what was going on inside me. I almost felt unworthy of the visit. The last time I was there in July I was in a severe depression. There was no way of masking it, it was just too pervasive to hide. I had gone silent again. It's funny but people don't think I notice it when I am being quiet. I know I am quiet and depressed. It's like I am locked in my own brain, observant of the people around me and what they are doing and saying but unable to participate. It is kind of a prison. I lose my freedom of expression and all interest in day to day living.

The last trip I found myself in this condition. My friend was kind but concerned. She asked me what was bothering me so and I answered that I couldn't find my purpose in life. So, we delved into what I could do to add some meaning and what I had that I was not appreciating. It was her idea to start a page so I could get my story out there. Once again she was right and it has not only helped me express what I have been through, it has helped me begin to help others. It has always been my desire to reach out and assist those who are mentally ill like I am. I know how excruciatingly difficult it is to live with this illness. Perhaps by reaching out I can find peace with what has happened to me and find meaning by impacting the lives of others. I don't want to "waste" the pain and suffering I went through thus far by keeping it to myself. Maybe I can give hope and counsel on how to survive bipolar disorder. It is my wish to share not only my defeats but my victories as well.

Getting to the place where I am healthy enough for a visit is a big victory. I look forward to this visit. I am feeling stable and even happy. Happiness has been elusive for me. I battle depression so much that I forget what it feels like to be upbeat. Mania isn't about being overjoyed. It's about being out of control, so a healthy balance resulting in happiness has been my goal. I think I am there. I would describe myself as content.  I still have goals that I want to accomplish in recovery and some that I want to attain to add even more purpose to my life. I needed help " catching the vision", I needed a push in the right direction and that is where my friend was so helpful. Sometimes the loved ones around you are able to see clearly what you should try while your brain is seriously ill. I trust the people in my life to point out a direction for me to follow. I don't make apologies for borrowing from their strength and judgement during times of illness. I need their help to get out of the pit of depression and press on to wellness.

It's hard to admit you have a broken brain. I really admire those who have solid judgement and operate at a steady pace. They get places in life and I am a big fan of success. Thankfully even though i am affected in these areas by my mental illness I am surrounded by those who are strong and healthy. What I am most grateful for is how they raise the bar high. They don't say "Donna can't handle this , she is too depressed." They expect things of me and that in itself is a motivation to face another day. I don't want to let my children family and friends down. I am craving successes. I don't think it is asking too much of myself to put up a fight for my life. So, having gained some victories in the fight, I am heading out to the desert to soak up the sun and some more of my best friends advice. Surrounded by beauty, I can honestly engage with the people I love, free from the symptoms of my bipolar disorder. What a gift, a reprieve from the storm. I am so grateful and I will let you know how it goes!