The Holiday Blues...

One of my greatest blessings this Christmas season is that I am not depressed. Bipolar disorder doesn't take into account the time of year. It doesn't say,"It's the holidays, lets not bother her"! Because I am not depressed I can think about how grateful I am for the experience of the holidays. When I am depressed nothing seems to engage me. My experiences are dulled out by the pain of depression. The holidays have been marred by my inability to participate. That's the thing. although I love the holidays, there have been times years when I couldn't engage, the struggle against my illness was just too much.

It is a kind of torture to be depressed. You can understand that life is happening,you're just not a part of it. When I am depressed I shrink into myself. I can't sum up the energy to get through the day let alone see the prospects of a tomorrow. My thinking is slowed down. Every thought requires an effort and even my movement is slow. My mind gets lost in a haze of helplessness and hopelessness. Although I know that there are many things to be grateful for and many more things that make life worth living, I struggle to keep them in mind. It's like a wet blanket engulfs me. I can't think, I am silent, I go dead inside. It is horrific to be so ill. To know the answers to some of life's questions but be so affected that you can't respond. 

Experiencing these symptoms of depression during the holidays is double torture. Not being able to participate while everyone else seems to be celebrating is excruciating. I have spent some Christmas seasons in despair so I know how difficult the holidays can be for those suffering from a mental illness. 

So what makes this holiday different? Well the basics of my recovery are being constantly addressed this year. My meds are correct and I take them faithfully. I see a therapist who I trust and confide in. My support system is strong. I think above all I am bringing every weapon I can into my battle with mental illness. I continue to believe that I can manage my diagnosis and with the right care and support I can even overcome it's effects. 

Stability was my goal for this year. It has been a long time coming. The last 5 years have been spent mostly struggling with depression and the consequences of a major hospitalization. So because of stability I am grateful for the ability to enjoy this years festivities. This holiday I am going to concentrate and focus on how far I've come and how blessed I am. Christmas is the perfect time to get out of my own head and concentrate on others. I love being able to show appreciation for loved ones through gift giving. I can also be grateful for the gifts I have been given, especially the gift of another chance at life. Bipolar illness is my greatest challenge but I am confident that it can be managed and given less power in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am so excited for Thanksgiving! My son Danny is visiting and I have him all to myself for 5 days. We are doing all the traditional Thanksgiving things, big family dinner, Friday shopping , football watching and leftovers. I am playing golf with him on Saturday. He is the light of my life and along with his brother Jake make living all the more sweeter.

It has not always been this way. I divorced 14 years ago and lost custody of both boys. I was extremely ill with bipolar disorder at the time of our separation and was in a foundation for the mentally ill for the four years until the divorce. Having custody was out of the question. I lived in an independent living situation, so both logistically and financially my ex-husband was the logical choice to raise my boys. The judge took into consideration my illness and awarded my ex with physical custody and the both of us with legal. I didn't feel at the time that there was any injustice to it all. In fact I was relieved to have my son's with their father. He is a good man and loves his boys. The whole thing was tragic and though I grieved the loss, I set out to find a way to be the best mom I could be given the situation.

For a long time it was difficult to make the visitations go well.The boys were reeling from the divorce and the loss of the everyday presence of their mother. My bipolar disorder continued to ravage my life and it was an effort to be stable enough to assure them that I could be there for them. It took a lot of healing and healing takes time.

My youngest Danny boy is 15 and Jake is 22. It seems like yesterday when I moved out and started this whole journey. Time does heal but it leaves a gaping hole of what if's and if I could onlys. They were 2 and 8 at the time of the divorce and I ache inside to think of the things I have missed. It still hurts as much today as it did back then. I grieve my loss but at the same time am grateful for the relationship (though not typical) we have today.

My boys and I were dealt a tough hand but I think we are playing it well. We talk on the phone constantly and see each other whenever their schedule and my health allow. It is extremely important that I do everything in my power to stay stable so that we can maintain a consistent relationship. Bipolar can destroy families and though ours was broken, I can still resolve to not let it do any more damage. When I am stable and healthy I can participate in their lives and not be an absent mom.

I think they are happy and healthy. I think the circumstances of their lives have made them more empathetic than they might have been otherwise. We all appreciate what we do have and even though it's a battle we capitalize on our blessings while focusing on the moments we have together.

When it is all said and done I don't know what kind of a mother I will be considered. I know one thing I know for sure, I don't want bipolar disorder to define me nor do I want to give it power over my relationships.
Yes I suffer from an illness but I am like every other mother this Thanksgiving. I am so grateful for my sons and all the blessings we are receiving. They are healthy, happy and very much loved. I am so fortunate and in light of all my blessings feel more like an overcomer of an illness rather than a victim. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy the holiday season as much as I do!!

Bipolar strategies...

My first depressive episode happened when I was fifteen. My family had just moved to California and I was feeling out of place. I was an East Coast girl trying to fit into Southern California high school. Tough! I had difficulty adjusting and consequently started to isolate. I spent long hours reading and essentially hibernating in my room. I don't know if this was a reaction to the move or the start of my mental illness . I think a little of both. Perhaps the stress of life events triggered my first bout. Whatever it was, the episodes became more frequent and more severe.

The only thing that saved me during that time was golf. It consumed me. I started to get out of my room and onto the sunlight golf courses. I practiced despite the depression and found some peace on the links. I loved the strategy involved in navigating a golf course and looking back it was a distraction from what was going on inside my head. Off the course I was given to dark moods. On the course  I felt lighter. The sun, the sky, the green fairways all helped me escape the experience of depression. It just lost some of it's power when I was hitting a ball!

Golf taught me a lot of valuable lessons during this period of time,one being how to get out of trouble. It has served me well in my fight mental illness. On the golf course you are going to eventually hit the ball into trouble. It's almost inevitable. Just like in my life I found myself in some difficult places. The trick was not to get upset, figure a way to get out and avoid doing it again. The same goes for depression. I just refuse to believe that you have to be stuck in an episode. I know the feeling of being overwhelmed and trapped into feeling hopeless, but I have to believe that you can fight your way out of it.

Fighting your way out of it is not a popular strategy. Many in the mental health community would say that it is unrealistic to expect that of someone who is ill. I know how it feels to be severely depressed and more often then not medication was the primary response. I couldn't fight because I was not able not unwilling. Once medicated however, I believe I had a responsibility to manage my mental illness,and I could do it by having a plan of attack .

My first move is to enlist the help of a psychiatrist. You simply have to believe that what you are experiencing is an illness and you are in need medical help. Bipolar disorder is a medical illness.You need a professional on your team. In golf you need a specialist as well .A teaching pro serves a s a second pair of eyeballs. He can tell you what you are doing right and correct what you are doing wrong. Same with a psychiatrist. He can diagnose you properly and prescribe the right medication to alleviate your symptoms.

I see a psychologist. Talking to someone about your emotions is key. From sharing what is going right and what is going wrong you can gain the perspective of another. Allying yourself with a competent therapist boosts your chances of success in your battle. Gaining the perspective of another will help you avoid pitfalls in the future.Talking about how you are managing your illness may also reveal what you are doing right so you can incorporate the behavior in your struggle. Look at your therapist as a teammate. They are there to help you chart a course. My teammates in golf often pointed out details of the golf course I didn't or couldn't see. Taking their advice helped me avoid danger and saved me strokes. Your trusted therapist can help you see the obstacles in your life and save you time and energy.

Enlist the help of others! Don't isolate! You will often need help an it is ok to want to share your struggles with others. I learned a lot from my fellow golf competitors. I observed their approach to the game and tried to incorporate their strengths into my game. I now have many friends and family members who are stronger and wiser than I . I am not beneath enlisting their help and assistance. A support group will also help you in the same way.You can hear and see first hand what otheres who share your struggle are doing right. You can gain the experience and insight of others who have truly walked in your shoes!

Finally, know your enemy! A round of golf is built on strategy. After you figure out how a course is designed you can navigate it wisely and avoid trouble. A life managing a chronic illness also demands a strategy. Know where your trouble lies.! For example, if you are prone to depression during the winter months, repeat steps 1 and 2 over and over again ! Have a list of goals and  a to do list that will keep you on track and motivated. If your simplest accomplishment when in episode is to take a shower , write that down and check it off daily. You have achieved something!

Don't take episodes lying down in your battle against mental illness.Have the pluck to fight! Go into the  struggle with a sustainable strategy.

True grit...

Depression is a black hole. It  sucks the life out of you. There is no way in the midst of a dark depression to actively manage your life. All the joy is taken out of every experience. It is debilitating. The worst part of depression for me is that it is like an internal hell. You can see other people living their life, but inside you feel like you are in a prison. I get very quiet, pensive and self absorbed. I would scream but even that would take too much energy!

After the most recent episode of depression I had had it.I honestly didn't think I would survive another one without my spirit breaking. I was devastated, disgusted and most of all afraid. I was afraid because this time I went silent. I was quiet enough to have those closest to me notice and comment. I think they were afraid too! I didn't hide my feelings of despair very well. My personality(what was left of it) evaporated. The weird thing is I knew I had gone missing. In my head I wanted to participate but I couldn't summon the energy to. Feeling dead inside is a terrifying experience. I think I was so quiet because deep down I was horrified. I couldn't stand myself. I wasn't surprised when others commented on my condition. It was so obvious that I was struggling and I too had lost all patience. 

After feeling that way for the entire summer, I realized that I had to develop a new strategy for managing my illness. It could and probably would happen again.I was doing a lot right, seeing a psychiatrist, a psychologist, enlisting the help of others and educating myself as to the nature of the illness. One thing I didn't have was a plan for the next one. I needed an emergency go to list. Not only would I have to ask help of others, I had to ask more of myself. I read about unyielding courage in others, now I had to develop that trait in myself. Grit, determination, the to resolve to fight on were attitudes that I had to incorporate into my life.

It's the simple things that ignite determination.When I am depressed I am apt to do nothing.The neat time around I am going to fight for things to be different.I will take simple steps to maximize my chances of beating the feelings of hopelessness.First I will have a simple plan for everyday.When I say simple I mean very simple. Maintaining a schedule of self care (showering, sleeping, eating healthy, walking) aren't going to be options, they will be must dos. My plan includes not only the accomplishment of the simple activities of daily living, but also an effort to go beyond them. I will set goals that during that time might be a stretch. At a time when I might want to just crawl into bed, I will extend myself.I'll make plans and stick to them. Instead of sinking into the dark pit, I will immediateley let my psychiatrist know whats's going on. She can determine if I need an adjustment in medication while my psychologist may request an adjustment in attittude. It will take unyielding courage to fight the next depression. Who knows, maybe the next one will never come if I pre-empt it with these plans! This time I am not going to let it sneak up on me, I'll be ready for it.

I don't think that courage comes naturally, especially when faced with a chronic illness. Things happen to us that are beyond our capability to handle or even understand. I think that it is only when you get into the fight for your life that you learn courage. Depression is a formidable foe, so I am learning to battle it on my terms. I don't apologize for feeding off the energy of others. I need help and I am not too proud to seek it. I also have a basic stubbornness that has developed into a plan to combat the effects of depression. I  cannot live through another summer suffering from an unchallenged episode. I am determined to put up a fight even if the odds are against me. If another episode comes at least I'll be prepared and willing to egage in the battle!  

Acceptance..

There were times when I didn't take my meds. I remember in my 20's my mother counting my lithium pills and then confronting me because it was obvious I had been skipping. Not only did I hate the side effects of medication, I hated the daily reminder that I had had a manic episode. Every time I took my meds I thought of how horrible the whole "bipolar thing" was. Not only did I not want to take the drugs, I didn't want to deal with the illness in any way. I didn't think I was ill despite all evidence to the contrary.

This is the stuff that made my parents,friends and loved ones exasperated. After all, my life was damaged because of the episodes. I lost my golf scholarship after my Freshman year due to a manic episode .For the next two years I reluctantly went into treatment, but not long after returning to golf, I went off my meds. So a pattern started establishing itself. I'd take meds when sick but as soon as I was feeling better I would stop. I hated the dark depressions and was more than willing to be medicated out of that kind of pain. I loved the highs of mania and could care less about taking my lithium while episodic. I suffered episode after episode because of this approach to my diagnosis. 

Recently I read a book by Dr. Xavier Amador called "I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Your Help". It is an excellent read. In it he explains that many bipolars suffer from anosognosia. Anosognosia is a malfunction in the frontal lobe which prevents some from recognizing they are ill. This causes them to refuse treatment that can restore them to sanity. My non compliance then was not so strange. It took the intervention of my family and the total collapse of my life to get serious about mental illness.

 I don't have this symptom anymore.The consistent taking of my meds is probably the reason why. My insight into my own illness is very good and I seek treatment now. I want to get better and I know that I am very ill when not on my medications. I see a psychiatrist, and a therapist. I enlist the help of others.Yet for all the talk of anosognosia I can't help but think my non compliance was also a a result of denial. I didn't want to face the fact that I had a brain disease. It was just too terrible. "How would I live and cope?" "What would others think of me?" I didn't want to be labelled as crazy, because in my mind it was the worst of fates.   

I would have saved myself a lot of time and pain if I had taken my mental illness seriously when I was young.The more episodes you have the worse they get and the harder they are to recover from. I have been hospitalized too many times and spent too much time sick.
If I had accepted my diagnosis and was willing to receive help, I don't think my most recent episodes would have been so severe.

 I have learned a lot about mental illness through trial and error and yes, failure! I hope in this blog I can share what I have learned and help others. Maybe you won't have to go through something by learning from my mistakes . Bottom line, I want to share my experience in order to assist others on their journey through the maze of mental illness.

New perspectives..

I went to the psychiatrist today. I have been to the clinic many times and never noticed a few things. On this visit I was especially taken aback by the other clients. One woman sat by her grocery cart and smoked cigarettes one after another waiting for her appointment. Another man walked incessantly around the office in a circle muttering to himself. Still another leaned up against a pillar chain smoking and having a conversation with no one in particular. It freaked me out. It is not that there weren't any "normal" people around, it was their stark contrast that made these clients so visible. It really shook me up. How did they get to this point? Were they homeless? Were they taking their medication, or worse still, were they taking their medication and they didn't work? Was I in the same boat? Was I one of them?

All of us have an idea of what a mentally ill person looks like. Sterotypes abound. A deranged look, a unkempt appearance, the look of homelessness. The clients I saw today fit the stereotypes and more. I had the worst reaction. I wanted to run out of the office. I was repulsed, I was upset, I was afraid. And for all my talk of stigma and tolerance, I didn't want to be associated with this group. I was afraid  I was just like them and the horrifying answer to my fear was that in some ways I am.


Granted I don't look mentally ill. Now. When in the hospital it was a different story. I began my hospitalization wearing a hospital gown and graduated to sweats and a tee shirt. My hair was a mess, (no blow dryers or mirrors ina psych ward!) I had a shuffle from the effects of the anti-psychotics,  and I had the look of someone lost in a psychotic episode. Granted all of that has changed, but the memory is still there and it haunts  me. I was in the same shape as the people I saw today and even worse. I had no right to judge today but I still did. I'm as prone to stigmatizing as anyone despite having the illness.

 It really bothers me that I belong to a group that looks acts and presents itself like the sterotypical mentally ill. I want to identify with the celebrities and brilliant people who have shared my struggle. Yet I can't get away from those who suffer in the most horrible and visible of ways. I was there. I know how it looks and feels. Perhaps I am terrified that I will return to that state. That's probobly it. But when I see the condition of the people I encountered today, I cringe. In spite of my stance on education, inclusion and tolerance, my reaction is the same as one who has never encountered the mentally ill, even though I see the face of mental illness  in the mirror every day.

As I went through my day today, I remained disturbed by my doctors visit. I finally accepted the fact that I was upset because seeing those clients hit so close to home. I am them. Yes I 've cleaned up, am medicated, stable and not symptomatic. However , it was not long ago that I looked and acted like the severly affected. The lesson I learned today was that I am not as wise as I thought I was. I am as capable of ignorance as anyone else. I need to continue to educate myself about illnesses such as bipolar and schizophrenia so I won't be as frightened when I see the symptoms in another.

Most importantly I need to learn compassion. I have empathy, I know what it feels like to be ill, to have others judge you and to feel the sting of stigma. Yet I still need to learn compassion by improving my response to the  mentally ill by reaching out to others who like myself, suffer. It is my hope that this blog helps others either suffering from a mental illness or those who are dealing with an affected loved one,
colleage or friend. I learned alot today. I hope it translates to action on my part. I need to help those who have walked in my shoes regardless of how they act and look. I like many others in our society have a long way to go.

It is officially my favorite time of year. Unlike most bipolars I struggle with my illnesss in the summer months and do well during the winter. The winter months are usually tough for people struggling with a mental illness but that just doesn't seem to be the case for me.

I think the reason I do so well during the holiday months is the availability of distraction. What I mean is there are so many opportunities to focus on things other than my mental illness. When the holidays roll around I can really get into the spirit of the season. Thanksgiving truely is a time of gratitude and I can shift my focus onto what has gone right for me. Christmas is a time when I can focus on the meaning of the season and what I can give to others.

It is important for me to focus on things other than my diagnosis. Although I pay careful attention to my illness, I often need to get out of my own way by getting "out of my head". Frankly, sometimes it is overwhelming to have to pay such close attention to your mental state. Getting out of my own head means noticing the little things in my life and being grateful for the big things. I am grateful for the possibility that I have a good chance at wellness in the future. I am aware of how cool it is to enjoy the holidays and participate.

Participation is the key for me. There have been so many times I have not been able to. Depression isolates a person from all that is going on around you. Mania, in my case is so severe that I end up in the hospital and miss large chunks of my life.So, when I can be present it is a gift. During this time of year I can actively join in the celebration of the season.

 I do have to be careful and watch for manic symptoms during this period of time. I watch my sleep patterns and note any drastic changes.Rather than relying on my own opinion I ask those around me to monitor my behavior and let me know how I am doing. Keeping a close working relationship with my psychiatrist and therapist during these months is essential. I can keep communicate to them my challenges and concerns and get the help I need before things get out of hand.

I hope the months of November and December go well for me this year.I am confident that with the help of professionals and my loved ones I will be able to stay well and really enjoy them!

High flying.

"High flying" is another expession for bipolar mania. When manic, the world speeds up. You talk more ,spend more, emote more. Basically you are more. More, more , more. To some, you will be too much and eventually you will become too much for even yourself.



Mania is intoxicating and it is no wonder that some bipolars become addicted to the high. You feel on top of the world. Words and ideas flow. The world around you seems ripe for the picking. Thoughts are rapid and everything you can think of is attainable. The downside is mania can spiral into psychosis. For me, this is a short trip. My thoughts and actions go out of control. In the last episode I quit my job thinking I had more "important" work to do, yet I couldn't tell you what that work entailed. It's a exhilirating feeling to manic but the ultimate consequence is disaster in both decision making, daily living and life choices.



During this season, (fall and winter) I have to be especially vigilant about my mental illness. If I am going to go manic it is during this season. I love the holidays but have to be careful that I don't love them too much! The hustle and bustle , the spending, the celebrations, all combine to key me up.



 Although I have spent the holidays manic and sometimes in a hospital for manic psychosis, I look forward to the holidays this year. I am in a good place.I am happy but not too happy. My moods are stable, not too high and not too low. It's a desirable state of being and I am looking forward to spending the season this way. Stability is the goal. Thank God I am finally attaining it!

The Exercise That Could End Your Suffering | Super Soul Sunday | Oprah W... A very interesting discusion on what it means to embrace suffering and manage the emotions that come along with it.

My name is Donna...

Recently a friend helped me acquire a bunch of likes on my facebook page. My blog appears on the page so I thought I'd introduce myself to my new followers.

My name is Donna Watson. Since I was 15 years old I have been living with bipolar disorder. My symptoms started at a young age but my first manic episode happened as a freshman in college. I was 21 and blindsided by the illness. I was hospitalized for three weeks after being medicated with lithium. My parents were told that as long as I took it I would be fine. Needless to say the knowledge about bipolar disoreder was not as advanced as it is today. I struggled through college and throughout the last 35 years with the disease. Sometimes I won the battle to live on, other times I succumbed to it's power to devastate. My blog is about these struggles and what has and has not worked for me in my journey.

My sincere wish is that this blog will touch the lives of those with mental illness and those that love them. Bipolar disorder takes no prisoners. It can and will ruin your life if not vigilantly treated. Bipolar does not discriminate. It effects people of every race, creed, and social status. I hope this blog helps people across the spectrum.

* A special note to those readers who are loved ones, colleagues and friends of bipolar consumers... You are probobly reading up on mental illness beacause you are involved with someone who is suffering. I hope this blog and my facebook page "Donna's Bipolar Buzz" help you to get the latest info on mental illness and
help you understand what it's like to struggle with the disorder. My desire is to  not only inform the reader,  but to help open up a conversation on mental illness.
Your stories and comments are most welcome!

Four years ago this month I was hospitalized for a major manic episode. It seems like yesterday that I entered the system. In the course of my stay I was conserved by the state. This means that the state took over my case. I lost my drivers licence, my right to vote and was hospitalized for a long nine months. I was very sick
and treated accordingly!


The nine months I spent in college hospital Costa Mesa and La casa in Long beach were horrific. Mercifully I don't recall the first couple of months. My psychosis was very severe and my memories of the first hospital are sketchy at best. I do remember the next six months though, and sometimes I wish I didn't. All the stereotypical sights and sounds of a mental institution were present. I remember the screaming, the patients walking around in a stupor, the insanity of it all.

After eight months I went before a judge in Los Angeles to review my conservatorship. I pleaded with the judge to let me out of the hospital. I admitted that I was severly bipolar and this impressed her. Many in my position exhibit lack of insight in regards to their illness. (Meaning most can't bring themselves to believe they are ill and would rather reside in denial.) The judge ruled that I be taken off of conservatorship and sent to a board and care after one more month of recovery. That month was excruciatingly long but I survived and moved on to a place called Scandia.

Scandia was worse than the hospital. It was filthy and looked like a run down motel. The residents spent their days in a a stupor. When they were aware of their surroundings they sat and smoked or begged for cigarrettes. I honestly don't know how I survived. The aftermath of the episode was worse than the episode itself!

I finally was transfered out of Scandia and began my journey from one board and care to the next. It was a time of deep sadness and somtimes despair. I stuck with the treatment group I was in and after four years was placed in an apartment of my own. No more roomates, no more assaults on my sensibilities. I expected recovery and those aroud me for that period af time were hopelessly mired in the symptoms of their illness. I was relived to get my own place and determined to get not only better, but well.

I have been in my apartment for six months. My recovery has been slow going but consistent. I have a small job, and am working on personal goals. I take my meds regularly and see both a psychiatrist and psychologist. It is a hard road but one that is worth the while. I guess I am stubborn. I just can't give up on life regardless of the hardship I experienced.

There are reasons I haven't called it quits. I have two sons that are the lights of my life. I have a supportive family and understanding friend. I have faith that everything has a purpose,  and that just maybe my experience will help others going through the same hard times. All these things result in a determination to not let bipolar disorder consume me and ultimately defeat me. I believe in fighting for your life. With the help of mental health professionals and those that I love, I think I'll make it. As Kay Jameson once quoted, "Look to the living, love them and hang on." That has become my mantra , and I will hang on , even if it means clinging to hope for dear life!

Things to avoid when manic...

There are certain things you should NEVER do when manic . Although they might seem all important at the time, they will come back to bite you in the butt.

NEVER- Go on facebook during a manic episode. You will post indiscriminatly and seal your reputation as a seriously disturbed individual. You will reveal things that are stictly confidential. After the episode passes, you will try to repair the damage done by your unedited posts and suffer extreme regret. It doesn't matter that you want to take it all back, it's "already out there".

DO NOT- Hang out on the internet. When manic, every subject seems important. You will traverse sites that are unrelated to your true interests and spend all night online. What seems like vital information in a bipolar episode is usually trvial knowledge. Don't succcumb to the use of the internet as company. Sleep is crucial to maintaining your sanity. Turn off the computer and go to bed.

AVOID- Spending money. Put someone in charge of your finances when stable to insure ptotection when manic. Spending sprees are a hallmark of bipolar episodes. When I was manic I bought every book that I thought was interesting. The problem was, everything was interesting and it was crucial that I read it all. You are truly a consumer when episodic. You will spend all your money on trivial things. I was into watches and pens! Put your money in the hands of a trusted advisor until the storm passes.

DON'T- Make phone calls. Especially late at night. Just don't do it! The urge when ill is to talk, talk , talk to everyone about all things. You will seriously regret the subjects you bring up and the details you reveal. Often these phone calls result in a loss of privacy because you have "shared" too much with people whom  on a normal day you wouldn't say hi to. Resist the urge to expose yourself to people who are not interested in your health. They maybe a willing ear, but eventually you will see that they are irrelavent to your life. When the episode is over, apologies may be offered but not accepted. Perhaps a member of your support team can help you monitor your phone calls. Call them first and ask if it is appropriate to call someone.

Of course the list could go on and on. The sad truth is when manic you are probobly going to do these things and more. They will be unstopable behaviors. You will be on over-drive and will not be able to control many of your actions. That is why you should have a support team assembled before mania strikes. Members can help you get the help you need (perhaps a med change from your doctor). An advanced directive may protect you from the ravages of the illness. It is important to minimalize the damage. Trust some people in your life to act on your behalf . Regret is a terrible state of being. Better to be proactive and limit the ill affects of a bipolar manic episode.

Four years ago...

Four years ago in October I had my worst episode to date. I was in the hospital for 9 months. It was horrific. Mercifuly, I don't remember much of the first 6 months. What I remember of the last 3, I wish I hadn't!

It all started with 2 weeks of manic activity. I quit my job, slept little and started my bizarre decent into madness. After a couple of days of extreme behavior my father called the police.They immediatley accessed me as a threat to myself and 51-50d me. I went to Saddleback hospital ,was there 3 days, and then sent to College hospital in Costa Mesa. My first 3 months of hospitalization are a blur. What I do remember is the stuff of nightmares. The sights and sounds of a mental hospital are terrifying, and it is no wonder I blocked most of it out. I do remember men running around naked, women curled up in the fetal position or rocking themselves while taking a smoke break. Cigarrettes were like gold and the smoke breaks were the highlights of the day. We were zombies and the memories that I do have haunt me.

My last 6 months of h ospitalization were in a place called La Casa. It was equally horrific and my mind was still broken. I started working with a "Dr. L" and she is my doctor to this day.She put me on a new drug called Invega and I started to slowly come out of the episode. What awaited me was the terror of having been through such trauma. I think being aware of my surroundings was too much, And I had a slow road to recovery.

What was more terrifying than the episode itself, was the aftermath. I was sent to a board and care in Long Beach. The residents were in bad shape.Most of them spent their days eating, sleeping and smoking. The building was like a bad motel, dirty, smelly and disgusting. From then on it was one board and care to another.Until I reached the apartment I am in today, I was traumatized by my surroundings.

I am so grateful for where I am today.I have an apartment, a job and a positive outlook on the future. Thanks to family and friends, good doctors and a support team, I am able to function. Even after four years I have a long way to go. Thankfully,  I am stubborn and refuse to let the hospital be the defining moment of my life. I am into looking forward, trying hard,  and taking the small victories as they come. I know there is hope because I lived it. My message would be to hang in there, get the help you need and engage in life again. What do you have to lose after being through such a hell?!

Great expectations...

Great expectations vs. diminished expectations. What do we mean when using these terms as they pertain to mental illness?


We all are expected to rise to a certain level of competance in our ventures. In the beginning of a job ,for instance, we strive to perform at a high level. Those who hired us also have expectations. An employer anticipates a validation of their new hire. They expect a job well done. In the realm of mental illness though, expectations are sometimes lowered due to the presence of a disorder. I contend that this is detrimental to the health of one affected by a mental illness.

Diminished expectations can happen when a "consumer " ( a term used to describe a mentally ill person), is recovering from an episode of their illness. For instance, if the consumer is bipolar or depressed, they may have been out of commission for a long time.Family members, friends, and employers may be satisfied with them getting "better" and returning to their previous status. There is often a diminished expectation of success. Others are used to you being depressed and unable to function. Getting out of bed is considered a victory along with the completion of many ADLs (activities of daily living). While not disparaging these successes I would contend that there is so much more to aim for. Our expectations should be realistic but nonetheless great.

Setting high goals for the consumer and the consumer setting the bar high, allow for optimum recovery. It's motivating to have goals that ar higher than what we think we can accomplish. Don't be grandious in your ability to achieve yet stretch yourself. Start with small goals and move on to more difficult tasks. Acess your situation and act accordingly. Where do you stand physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually? Take some time to do an inventory of your life on every level and slowly but surely start to make things happen.For instance, if you need to lose weight, start to walk, then change your diet to healthy eating.Take one day at a time knowing that the days will turn into weeks, weeks into months. Soon you will be gaining on your goals. Don't let the spectre of mental illness deter you. Set the bar high and even if you don't reach it you will have improved more than expected.

The goal for those who support and love a consumer should be to have great expectations coupled with understanding. Having others want you to do well is a great motivator.Perhaps the loved one or friend or colleage has had a very difficult road.The good news is they can recover as long as they have a few components of wellness in place. Encourage them to see a psychiatrist, a psychologist and become a member of a support group. You can also become a member of a support team that monitors how the consumer is doing. Wellness can be achieved.  The illnesses can be managed. Victory is attainable! Don't succomb to diminished expectations for the mentally ill. Expect great things and wellness will happen!

Motherhood and mental illness...

I have two sons. Jake is 22 and Danny is 15. Fifteen years ago I lost custody of them both and lost my position as a stay at home mom. My ex-husband retained custody. At the time I was very ill with my bipolar disorder and was in no position to financially provide for them. It was a huge blow. I am over the divorce but have never recoverd from the loss of my day to day interactions with my sons. It just has not gotten any easier and the grief is still there, raw and painful.

My visits with the boys are precious events. This weekend I went to the UCLA game with Danny and he spent the night. It was a great weekend. We enjoyed the game together and talked alot about his life and what's going on. There was no mention of bipolar disorder! In fact, I never once thought about being bipolar. Thank god my ability to mother has not been affected by the disease. Things just roll naturally. When I am with them I am present and engage them easily. Since my latest episode I stuggle to participate, but when I am with the boys things just flow.

It is very gratifying to have success in any area of your life. Success in my role as mother is the most rewarding thing I've got going. I love them tremendously and I am able to communicate my love. I am very lucky in this regard. I seem to be able to have a reprieve from my symptoms around them. It is an effort though,and when the visit is over I am exhausted! But it's a good tired.

I know many mothers are so affected by their illness that they cannot participate in the lives of their children. There is no shame in that. But I do believe that being present can be practiced. Since my latest episode I stuggle enormously with being "all there". However, by practicing mindfulness my ability to pay attention is improving. Being with Dannny this weekend gave me the opportunity to practice these skills. I think any bipolar mother can fight the good fight and learn to manage their illness. Their children will have an example of how to meet adversity with a fighting spirit. That is a gift!

Working girl...

3 weeks ago I got a job. Since I don't have a car I started looking at the shopping center across the street. I secured a job at a grocery store. I was hesitant to start working. My bipolar disorder caused many interuptions in my working history and I hadn't had a job in 5 years. The last job I had was right before a 9 month hospitalization and only lasted a month and a half. So you can see why I am nervous about having and keeping a job.

One of the biggest reasons I am concerned is that my self-confidence is shot. Nine months in a mental hospital will do that to you. As a result of the episode and the mental and emotional damage done , I am reluctant to engage with people. I sometimes feel that I have "Bipolar" stamped on my head. Surely people guess at my condition! So I shy away from human contact. Yet my job requires me to work with customers. Customer service is not an area that I would think I could excel at! However I am finding it enjoyable and gratifying to regain some of my confidence and work on engaging with others again. It takes alot of energy to focus on delivering customer service. You have to actively listen and pay attention to what someone wants and needs. You can't be stuck in your own head.

Paying attention is hard for me but is so neccesary in a working enviroment. Since my latest episode I find it very difficult to concentrate. I wander off.I get lost in my own thoughts and basically miss things.This is not a good way to be while working! So for 4 days a week I now have a set amount of time where I can practice mindfulness. I am forced to stay in the moment and focus on the present. My job requires me to accomplish small specific tasks that force you to be in the here and now. A doctor of mine once told me that repetitive work helps the healing of a bipolar brain. I can see how this is true. Small tasks organize your thinking and when accomplished (in a short amount of time) give you a boost in your self confidence.

There is nothing more gratifying than a job well done!


So I think that having this job is a winner all the way around. Despite my fears I am doing well. Sure it's an effort to put myself out there. I think I'll get better at that over time. Working will definitley aid in my recovery. Working with customers will help me get my personality back. Maybe some of the ravages of an episode will heal. This job is a small one, but it is going to allow me to practice being in the moment. I can see that it is good for me in so many ways.  

Back to the beginning...

 My battle with depression and mania started very early. I was 13 when I had my first episode. Of course we didn't know what to call it back then . We didn't know about early onset .My parents and I knew that something was very wrong. Here's what happened...

When I was 13 I went to a golf camp in Delaware called "Swings the Thing". Despite it's corny name the camp was very popular in the North East . I started out pretty even keel in the beginning of the camp, but gradually became over excited and over the top.(We call that hypomania now). I over participated, practicing well into the evening even though we started at 8 in the morning. I was hardly sleeping and nonetheless, full of energy. I remember thinking that I was talking too loud and my speech was rushed. I also remember my thoughts racing as I tried to absorb everything that was being taught.

Some may chalk all this up to youthful exuberance. I know that it was much more. My first experience with mania became more apparent when my father picked me up to take me back home to Pennsylvania.

I had been told that the next camp was in California at Pebble Beach. I made it known to my Dad that I was going despite the cross country trip and the expense! He tried to rationalize with me that it was an impossible request. Yet the more he tried to reason with me the louder and combative I became. It was so over the top that my parents didn't know what to do. Several days followed , hallmarked with bouts of extreme behavior and over the top actions. I finally calmed down, and within weeks descended into a dark depression.

Again, we as a family did not know what to do. Back in the day, there was less knowledge of mental illness and even more stigma than now. I lived through depression in my high school years and wasn't diagnosed until I was 21.

Because I experienced the devastating blows of mental illness so young, I wish schools today would include the topic of mental illness in their health curriculum. The majority of symptoms start in the late teens to early twenties. Maybe early education would curb the rising tide of despair and hopelessness found in this age group. If caught and treated early, imagine the amount of suffering that would be alleviated. It's time to educate our children and ourselves about mental illness!!

Thoughts on Robin Williams...

I am still disturbed a the death of Robin Williams. Although I have a good grasp of the elements of suicide, I still don't know enough. You would think that as a bipolar 50 year old woman I would be educated., yet I am learning so much as the media and social media react to his death.

My experience with mental illness started when I was 13 years old. They call it "early onset". Now I am 50 and look back on 37 years of dealing with bipolar disorder. Some people ask me why I haven't given up. I am sure they wonder why I haven't succumbed to suicide. There have been many times that I've said its all too much.

There are reasons I haven't committed  suicide. It's not that I am strong. There are so many times that I have given up but not "done the deed. They say that no love of anything can prevent a person from suicide. I disagree. Love of my family, my sons and friends has brought me back from the brink many times. Love is a talisman against the ravages of mental illness. It has sustained me throughout the years and intervened when all seemed lost.

I am stubborn. I will not give up the fight against my depression. I have survived the nightmare. Hospitalizations, time in board and cares, the interruptions of my life still haven't conquered me. I am lucky I have this trait. It serves me well in my struggle. I empathize however with those who lose the will to fight anymore. People don't realize how much pain depression causes . I come out of an episode battered and bruised, gasping for life.

I can't imagine what Robin Williams was thinking and feeling at the time of his death. Perhaps he just couldn't take the pain anymore. It's not weakness on his part that he carried through . In the throws of depression you just lose touch with reality. I get overwhelmed with sadness, worthlessness and hopelessness. If he was feeling all these things , I empathize with him. There is an element here of "but for the grace of God go I". 

I am really shook up over the suicide of Robin Williams. With all he had, the money,  the fame,  the talent, he still couldn't beat the specter of depression. It makes me wonder if he couldn't ward off the demons how can I?

Depression for me has been a lifelong problem. My first bout was when I was 15. I'd skip school to hide out in the library! I couldn't take the demands of high school. Everything about it made me anxious. The social interaction was excruciating. I am generally a quiet person but when depressed, it's even worse. I missed out on most of my high school years suffering from a deep depression.

Back in the day, we (as a family) , knew very little about mental illness. I wasn't treated for my bipolar disorder until I was 21. It continued throughout my 20s and 30s. It got worse and worse until I had my biggest episode in 2010. I spent 9 months in the hospital, a  victim of  Manic Depression.

As for the here and now ,I am trying to recover from that episode. It has been a painstaking effort. I am not recovering at the speed I would like, but do see improvement. The most recent bout of depression was the worst I've had since leaving the hospital. Again everything changed. I lost my interest in life, my appetite and this time my will to live. I don't know what has kept me from suicide. Support from family and friends helped and my stubbornness too.  I just can't seem to give in to the ravages of the illness. I know however that "by the grace of God go I".

Robin Williams didn't commit suicide because he was weak. Most people underestimate the amount of pain one suffers when mentally ill. Maybe he just couldn't stand the pain any longer. I sympathize It is incredibly sad when someone succumbs to the powerful symptoms of mental illness. I need to fight on because of those who love me and for myself. I am just not willing to give up yet.

Moving on up...

If someone asked me today how I am feeling, I wouldn't answer with the pat answer of "Fine". I am better than fine. I am stable. I feel happy and even keel.

I don't know all the reasons there has been a shift in my mood. Perhaps  it was my med change. Adding Lexipro to my cocktail, seems to have facilitated a shift in my mood. However I would also
attribute improvement due to some conclusions I've come to about my bipolar disorder.

First I have been struggling to answer the question "Why"? I spent an undue amount of time and energy looking for the answer as to why I had such a violent episode. Finally a friend brought some clarity to the issue. She reminded me that there is no explanation to some of the events of our lives. Why stress about something you will never resolve. Until they find a cure, I have to resolve to fight on, let go of the past and move on.

Secondly I have to resolve to have resolve. I don't know all the elements of how to survive an episode , but I do know you have to have a fighting spirit! If you value your life you must not let the illness define you or determine every move you make in life. Fighting the good fight for the sake of your very life is well worth the effort.

It's good to feel happy. Yet it  I wish it were not such a once in a while event. I still have to fight for stability. I need to chill out and let the healing process continue. Most of all I need to live on!!

Ok. So I am feeling better and I am experiencing the emergence of a lot of  feelings. When I am depressed I am numb and I don't feel much of anything. So, when the depression breaks,  I find myself experiencing a range of emotions.

Gratitude is the first emotion I feel. I am so thankful that I have survived another bout of depression! I can participate in life again. The black cloud has lifted and I can move on . Life isn't so scary and I feel a certain confidence that if I can survive an episode I can handle anything.

Fear is the other feeling I have. In the past, manic episodes have always followed a prolonged depression. I don't want to experience that again, and am terrified of another hospitalization. I have to trust that the Invega I take is going to work. No more mania with this med on board! I also have to trust that the work I have done in therapy will prevent another episode. I have worked hard on emotional issues, trying to find a balance between happy and sad.

I am trying to have confidence that this time will be different. However , if it is not I still have faith in my ability to handle this illness. I am not out of fight yet.

How do you feel when you are feeling better??

I am seeing my psychiatrist today. She has been with me since my hospitalization. She has seen me at my worst, and developed a treatment plan to get me to my best. We have come a long way together since my episode 3 years ago, and I am grateful for her intervention.

Among the mentally ill there is a lot of resentment towards psychiatrists.  Some hate the intrusion on their lives. They think they know what's best for their treatment plan, not the doctor. Many are angry at the changes in their meds to get to the right "cocktail". Sometimes I feel the same way. There are so many side affects from the medications. In combination there are many more. Med changes scare me because you never know what your going to get!

Having said all that, I still try to place my confidence in the doctors hands. They are professionals after all, and have treated many patients as sick as I was. I am still fighting the good fight with meds . I try to stay open to changes and weather through the side effects. This is the best I can do.


How about you? Do you welcome a psychiatrists intervention? What are your med fears? Love to hear from you!

Breakfast....

Today was a big day. It started out with breakfast with my mom and sister. For 2 hours we sat in a Newport beach cafe' and talked and talked.  For the first time in a long time I was able to participate without escaping into my own head. What's more, I didn't want to escape. I enjoyed the moment! What a relief it e was to be engaged. When I "run Silent" it is excruciating.  When depressed I get quiet, very quiet! Not only is it evident to those around me, but it is also something I notice myself .  I notice how uncomfortable I am with not saying anything. I notice how distant and removed I am from the conversation. I am in another place, locked in my own brain.

 No doubt this accomplishment is due in part to a med change. I am feeling so much better and am seeing improvement week to week. However I did try a new trick for breakfast this morning. What I did was beforehand, imagined the conversations that might take place and practice my responses to them. I also thought about what I might say. What would I "Bring to the table. Not only did it work it gave me the confidence to trust my ability to engage, even if it did take a little work.

Having bipolar illness IS hard work. I truly believe it is worth the effort though. Living is hard work for all of us, regardless of a mental illness or not. Living is especially sweet when you do have a mental illness and manage it with a few tricks up your sleeve. Today was a good day. Thank God, here's to more!

For the love of Danny...

My youngest sons birthday is this Friday. He will be 15 and I can't believe it. Time flies. He lives with his father . At the time of our divorce I was very ill with my bipolar disorder and he got custody.  It has been excruciating at times to be separated from them. Most of the time it's just a dull ache that I feel whenever I think of them.

I have missed so much in their lives. I resent the time lost and I especially resent the illness for stealing that time. Bipolar disorder is a bitch. It not only affects you, it affects those you love . When Danny visits I will be on alert to be in the moment. I tend to space out since my episode. I don't want to give him the impression that I am sick. No full disclosure here! I want to protect him from the consequences of my mental illness. I know that many would say I need to be honest with him. I have told him I have an Illness and he knows it is the main reason for the divorce and the subsequent custody arrangement. Yet, I still see fear in his eyes when I seem to him to be down. He needs his mother to be present.

If a visit doesn't go well I have tremendous guilt. I try so hard to be present and engaged but sometimes my efforts fall flat .I love my son. I want him to think that his mother thought enough of him to fight an illness that so often destroys relationships. Staying in the present is tough for me. I tend to drift and get in my own head. I am consciously trying to concentrate on the here and now and it's starting to catch on .I can't let this illness win. My son is a great motivation to live on. 

It's hot here in Orange County California.  However it seems that summertime is my time for depression to kick in. I don't know why my hardest time is summer, what I do know is that after a summer of struggling, I usually snap out of  it and have a manic episode. It is such a relief to get over the funk of depression that maybe I am catapulted into a manic state.

It all happens slowly. The months of May through August are slow, tedious and cruel. It is the opposite of what most people experience. It is the norm that people experience mania in the summer and depression in the winter. For some reason I am turned around. My manic episodes have all been in late August and the early fall. I am so relieved that the depression is over that I go into a hypomanic state.(a little manic) It slowly turns into full blown mania often resulting in psychosis.

I wonder if anyone else experiences these seasonal shifts in mood. Comments would sure be appreciated!

Meds...

I recently went on a new medicine called Lexipro. I am adding it to my already numerous cocktail of meds. I have always been open to med changes especially when depressed. I would do anything to snap out of a funk.



This time was different though. I am wary, I am scared. My last episode was so debilitating that any change is fraught with fear. It was a manic episode and this is my first bout of depression since the episode ended. I hope the meds work. Coupled with therapy I hope I can get through this. Does anyone out there experience the same fear?



When I get depressed I am reminded how tricky of a deal this illness is. My chemistry is hard wired and I don't know if this med change will work. I have put my life in the hands of psychiatrists and I hope that is a good decision. I am still like so many others who gulp down their meds reluctantly. I hate having a daily reminder that I have this damned illness. I swallow the meds and hope for a good outcome. That's a lot of trust. But there is not a single time where I don't wish I never had this disease. I hate the side effects of the meds. It too is a daily reminder of the extent  of my illness

I am hoping things will work out . I am hoping this depression lifts. If meds do the trick, Hallelujah! If not I will continue to fight it.  Life is worth it even if it comes with a few side effects.

Running on empty...

In my struggles with bipolar disorder I sometimes come to a point where my tank reads empty. I struggle so hard to stay stable that I run out of energy and sometimes the will ro carry on. I have found that getting away isn't a way out of your problems, but it's sometimes the healthiest thing you can do.

Perspective. Isn't life all about that? How you percieve you troubles often dictates your actions. Taking a break from your daily grind affords you the perspective you need to come back and tackle your problems.

My get away is La Quinta Ca. I love the desert beauty,the palms, the serenity. My best friend lives there and I stay with her and her husband. During my stays I get to put into perspective all of my concerns. I write them down and try to figure out(with the help of distance), solutions. I also ask for advice from my friend on how to tackle some problems. Advice from a friend can help you see things from a different angle. Solutions that escaped your notice may make themselves known.

Escape from reality is not healthy,but a break from the struggle may be just the thing. It doesn't have to be a long break,maybe just a small trip. Even a visit to the beach or a walk on a trail can allow you to get outside of yourself. I even need a break from me!!!!!!!

Never a dull moment....

When you have bipolar disorder there is never a dull moment. One day up next day down,there is no way to approach the day in the same way. The very nature of the illness is a mind in flux. So how do you face the day if you are feeling manic. What if you are too depressed to even get out of bed?

One way I have learned to balance out my life is to find constants that anchor the soul. Whether it be love of family, a partner or the quest for faith, you have to find something to live for. In this way , whether up or down you can cling to a very real thing and allow it to balance you.

Go to your go tos. When you are manic,  contact a health care provider. Have a support team in place that can tell when you are not yourself. They can help you get the assistance you need. The same goes for depression. Seek help in all circumstances! Don't let things get out of control! Know yourself and your illness. Catch depression before you can't get out of bed. Recognize the signs of mania. In all this. have a good relationship with a psychiatrist and a therapist.
They will help you navigate the waters of bipolar and lead you to stability.

When I have experienced mania, I have been so out of it that I don't remember half of the things I did or said. After the episode there was much damage control. Apologies  needed to be made, outrageous bills to be paid and time lost, made up for. Once stable it behooves me to live one day at a time. I crave stability. Mania is too messy. It is so important to maintain this attitude. Stability is always the goal. Don't give in to the lure of mania. The highs, the grandiosity and the euphoria of the disease. Face each day dedicated to reality.

Depression is literally a killer. It saps you of the will to live and the motivation to make life better so you can live. Again take one day at a time. Seek balance. Take the time to do the things everyone is telling you to do. Eat right, exercise and above all take your meds. Talk to a professional. They can help put you experience in perspective. Don't face the day overwhelmed because you have not reached out for help . Don't go it alone.

The keys to facing a life with a chronic disease is to take it one day at a time and use every resource you have to achieve the goal of stability. Take each day as it comes and try to summon the courage to fight the illness. It is worth it to fight for your life ,it is worth it to live your life free from the ravages of bipolar disorder. Take the chance to listen to advice to help you "get there".

I don't remember my initial reaction to being diagnosed bipolar. I was a young 21 year old and for the most part felt invincible. I don't remember being shocked when the doctor told me I was manic-depressive and would have to take medication for the rest of my life. The chronicity of the illness didn't faze me.
I had not yet experienced it's devastating effects I was a young 21 and I felt I could fight the illness. But as the years passed and hospitalizations increased it dawned on me that I was perhaps fighting a formidable foe, and some battles would be lost.

I was hospitalized after the birth of both my sons. There were so many subsequent hospitalizations that I have lost count. The most recent was the worst though. I was in the hospital for 9 months and don't really remember the first 3. I do remember the last 6 months of my stay.Most of my memories are horrific. Mental hospitals are not the ideal places to heal a broken mind, and so I suffered. I remember crying myself to sleep as I listened to the screaming on the ward, and the sound of orderlies trying to get patients under control. It was a nightmare. Nothing however could prepare me for what would assail me when I was released.

I was released to a board and care in Long Beach. It was a filthy pit. My room was disgusting, filled with dirt and the smell of rot. The people there were rotting as well. Most were in a stupor and those that were aware of their surroundings spent their time asking for and smoking cigarettes. I saw many clients during med time simply spitting the meds out .In no time at all the police would be summoned  to hospitalize the client under a 51-50.

I soon left that board and care and lived in several others until moving to my present location. I was miserable. At least my present circumstances don't assault the senses . It is clean and I have my own room. I have a television and internet. It is still a long way from where I want to go but it is a step in the right direction.

My reaction now when I think about bipolar disorder is a mixture of fear and loathing. I now know what a devastating impact it can have on a life and I hate the fact that I have it. I am afraid that I will have another episode. I am afraid of what is going to happen to me. Everyday I struggle to hang in there, but I am getting tired. The stigma "out there" is nothing compared to the self stigma that attacks my self esteem. I am no longer cavalier in my attitude towards mental illness. It has kicked my ass many times and will probably kick it again before all is said and done. The best I can do is to fight it on every front and above all take my meds. Hopefully my best will be good enough.