Donna's Bipolar Buzz: Going forward....

Donna's Bipolar Buzz: Going forward....:  During difficult times I rely on the wisdom of others. One of my favorite authors John Maxwell described how to tackle problems. He said ba...

Going forward....

 During difficult times I rely on the wisdom of others. One of my favorite authors John Maxwell described how to tackle problems. He said bad experiences are a spring board for creativity. The steps he outlines are to define the problem, brainstorm numerous pathways and after receiving the input of others; implement a course of action!

I am currently facing a difficult diagnosis. I am determined to heed Maxwell's wisdom and implement it into my daily life. I start a program this week that I am hoping will help me cope with mental illness.

I  hope my struggles will in some way benefit others who have the same issues! So, onward I go . Prayers are much appreciated!

Donna's Bipolar Buzz: Grateful and blessed..

Donna's Bipolar Buzz: Grateful and blessed..: Thanksgiving has always been a special time for me. It is a time to express to those we love how grateful we are for their presence in our l...

Grateful and blessed..

Thanksgiving has always been a special time for me. It is a time to express to those we love how grateful we are for their presence in our lives and to thank our Maker for all He blesses us with. Never has Thanksgiving held as much meaning for me as this Thanksgiving.

On November 11th I went to the doctor to get my shot of Abilify and talked to her about my state of mind. She said that based on my history and especially my last 5 visits with her she was going to diagnose me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD. I unfortunately met the criteria for diagnosis to a tee, and it was upsetting to be diagnosed with yet another disorder. I am a 24 karat manic depressive as well. My bipolar disorder runs along the classic lines of symptoms. Being bipolar 1, I have periods of depression followed  by hypomanic and manic episodes. Depression is the dominating state of my being though. I have long periods of it, and it wears me down. If there is a major life event such as divorce, a move, or just me stuffing my feelings, my manic me surfaces. It is a cycle that I have repeated over and over again since I was 21. I am 55 so it has been a long journey.

I honestly thought that I had the illness licked. I hadn't had an manic episode since 2010. The last one was significant and I was in the hospital for 9 months. I finally regained my sanity but not without a price. My confidence was shot and I lived with a low grade depression for a long time after the hospitalization ended. Depression wore me down and I didn't react well to the challenges of life. I stuffed my feelings and took it on the cheek for the past 10 years. I finally just imploded last week. I had a episode featuring hypomania ( a precursor to full blown mania) and what some people would call a nervous breakdown. I simply couldn't fight anymore.

Although it has been only 18 days since this all started I am over the worst of it. My sanity has returned and I am fully engaged in reality. I still have some symptoms that are annoying but my house is super clean!!  That boundless energy and grandiosity have subsided and I am sleeping .

Now the challenge will be to enter into a phase of recovery and figure out why I am so prone to depression and so vulnerable to mania. I am seeking help not just from my psychiatrist and psychologist but am also going to enter an outpatient program to aggressively discover how I can stay well.

So, having said all that, I am celebrating the holiday season with family and friends. I am very blessed to have their love and support. We are a very close family and we all share the belief that we can overcome anything with the help and grace of God and others. I am so grateful for many things during this time. Medication is a godsend, the professionals I am seeing are amazingly pro-active in facilitating my recovery and ensuring a future of stability and wellness.

I sincerely wish those who read this blog a Happy Thanksgiving and a blessed holiday season. If you,  a loved one or a colleague is suffering from their mental illness though, may you find peace and comfort as  well as much needed help. Contact NAMI for family and peer support. Call the National Suicide hotline if you are at your wits end or reach out before things reach a boiling point. The number is 1-800-273 8255. The hotline is a source of comfort and help to ALL those suffering and living with a mental illness not just those who feel like harming themselves.

Some have reached their limit, and are contemplating or planning to end their pain. I would encourage you to reach out for help immediately and cling to the hope that there will be a better tomorrow! I am living proof that mental illness doesn't always win the day. As I enter into my current phase of recovery, I am confident that I will learn how to better mange this most complicated of illnesses. A heartfelt wish to all for a holiday season of help and healing !

Ain't that a kick in the head...

Yesterday I got my shot of Abilify. I get it every two months and it really hits me hard the first day. Yesterday was no exception. Yet something was different this time around. My response to the shot was  not one of quiet resignation. I finally gave voice to my frustration to the doctor and asked for more help.

I have been getting this shot for the past 4 years. The day I get it is really rough. I experience extreme tiredness and my head feels like lead. I talked to my doctor about it and she said it was normal to feel this way until the medicine reaches a therapeutic level. However I am coming to realize that my reaction is just as much psychological as it is physical.

Getting that shot and checking in with my psychiatrist are heavy duty reminders that I am battling a very nasty, chronic disease. Bipolar disorder is a bear, and when i visit the doctor, I usually express to her how tired I am getting of it all. Yesterday I cried and had a semi-meltdown in her office. I confessed to her that I was dreading the shot and resentful of having to take meds. It's not that I want to be non-compliant I just wanted reassurance that things would be okay.

After several minutes of ranting, my doctor and I agreed that I needed to add some new weapons to my arsenal against my mental illness. I had already added several  new approaches upon returning from a vacation. I started taking vitamins and changed my diet completely. I am going radical in my attempt to lose the weight I have gained on meds. I also started walking again. Not just my usual strolls to work or the store, but a solid 45 minutes a day at a good clip. I am also attempting to quit smoking. I am starting by limiting the number I can smoke a day and working my way down to just one at the end of the day.

I must admit that I feel a little overwhelmed by all the changes, but I will do anything to stay stable so I can really be present. I have so much to live for and I don't want to let bipolar disorder win the day. I do accept that it is a fight to keep moving forward in my recovery. Lots of bad coping mechanisms have to go and be replaced by healthy ways of being.

My belief that I am in a fight for my life does not mean that I don't accept my diagnosis. I am aware that sometimes it's enough to just breathe and live to fight another day. However I cannot and will not settle for a mediocre life defined by symptoms. I will fight to live a life of meaning regardless of the fact that my brain is sick.

When I look into my son's eyes, experience the support of friends and family, and receive empathetic care from my doctors, I realize that I am so fortunate to have that much love and attention. I am lucky and I know it big time. And so I am determined to see things through for their sake as much as for mine. Living a "best" life with bipolar is a challenge I am willing to accept. And so I fight on. As Winston Churchill stated, "Never, never, never give up!!!"

Coffee...

I love coffee. I have read and heard that it is not advisable to drink it if you are bipolar but I honestly don't know how I could function without it. Faced with the fact that I drink too much java, I have been thinking about why it remains one of my few vices.

For starters I take a handful of meds in the morning. I don't resent it because they have made me stable and each one serves a purpose. I do resent the side effects though, and one of the most bothersome is the feeling of being tired. So, when I wake up the first thing I do is push the button on my Mr. Coffee and brew some wake-up juice.

There is nothing quite like the smell of fresh brewed coffee, and I love it! I am not a coffee snob, but I do know a little about the bean, so I make a pretty good cup of joe. I love the taste but especially like the way it wakes me up to face the challenges of the day.

I have read that coffee only agitates the symptoms of bipolar mania and does little to help the depressive moods that are the hallmark of my disorder. The high from caffeine soon fades and you either have to keep on drinking it or suffer a caffeine crash.  I however, true to my bipolar nature drink a ton and like the boost it gives me. I have however realized that my consumption has gotten out of hand and have cut back recently.

I would never give it up all together though. I have so very few vices left. Seriously, I have given up many things in response to my wellness plan and I am not about to give up my morning cup of joy!

So with many others I rejoice in the fact that Starbuck is already serving Christmas blend in festive holiday cups! I will continue to drink away until someone in authority says stop but even then I would probably still indulge. Even though I believe in throwing your whole weight at the problem of mental illness, I also believe in living your best life despite the disorder. That includes enjoying things a little.

I started drinking only 2 cups in the morning after my vacation but I usually throw a kuerig in during the afternoon. Then there is the lure of a latte from Starbucks. I'm limiting that to one a week but will probably get more during the holidays. My budget restricts me more than my desire to be moderate but oh well!

Happy beginning of the holiday season , and remember "Life is too short to drink bad coffee"!!

Seve the cat.

A week ago I adopted a kitten and named it Seve. Like the famous golfer he has jet black shiny hair and he is so handsome. For years I have been debating whether or not to have a pet and I finally pulled the trigger. I had heard and read of the benefits of having a pet if you are diagnosed with a mental ilness.  I must say I wasn't a believer until this week. Already I am an enthusiastic convert.

Seve the wonder kitten...

One of the most important components of a wellness plan when you are bipolar is to get consistent good sleep. Too much sleep for me is an indication that I may be slipping into depression, too little is a precursor to a manic episode. For years I have struggled to create a disciplined schedule for sleep all to no avail. Since having Seve though, things have changed in just 2 short weeks. He wakes me up at 6 to 6:30 every morning by climbing onto my chest and purring away. Then he bumps my chin with his tiny head until I give him pets. What a cool way to wake up! He is full of energy interspersed with cat naps until about 11. I move him onto his perch in my bedroom and he sleeps through the night. My sleep is peaceful and sound due to following his schedule. I am getting a solid 7 to 8 hours a night and I wake up refreshed and ready to face the day.

Seve has also had one somewhat weird effect on my sleep. Since adopting him I have seen a remission of the terrible nightmares that have plagued my sleep. Since starting the shot of abilify I receive every two months, my dreams have been vivid and often have been nightmares. It got so bad I was dreading going to bed at night because they shook me up so. Now I am enjoying a nighttime routine with Seve and am feeling cozy and happy when I go to bed. It's only been 2 weeks but the change is already making a big difference in how I manage my waking and sleeping hours. Amazing!


So now I am a true believer. Seve is already a major benefit in my fight against mental illness. He is registered as an emotional support animal with my apartment, and he is truly living up to the label. He gives me a new sense of purpose. He needs to be fed, played with, loved and cared for and the responsibilities that come with cat ownership are sitting well with me. Who knew that a 7 pound creature would make such a difference??! Seve is a wonder!

Halloween musings...

I hate nightmares. Since starting some of my medications , I have had very vivid, sometimes horrifying dreams. Perhaps the scariest is a recurrent dream that I am homeless and can't find my way out of a dark tunnel. It's a pretty telling dream since I have been struggling to navigate the twists and turns of mental illness for some 35 years. It is no wonder that I dream of my ultimate fear, finding myself alone , sick and without a place to be.

Maybe it's because it's Halloween that I began thinking how I hate to be scared. Dreams of homelessness terrify me and I wake up ever so grateful for my apartment. It wasn't too long ago though that I didn't have a place and went through several board and cares after getting out of a 9 month hospitalization. The places were scary alright. My very first one out of the hospital was in Long Beach. It was a stereotypical hell hole that used to be a motel. It had cockroaches, cigarette burned mattresses and speakers inside our rooms that blared when medications were being passed out. Most of the residents were completely gone, hanging out all day smoking and talking to their voices. It was something out of a very bad B movie. Patients would line up for meds , recieve them and then spit them out into the bushes on their way out. The police and ambulance service were frequent visitors and late night 5150's were the norm. It took me three months to get out and move on to the next home. A living nightmare!!

I lived in several group homes before getting my current housing. I was a member of a group called Telecare and they facilitated me gaining long term residency. It has been nothing short of a miracle. I love my little place in Irvine, Ca. and am truly blessed to be here. So fortunate!!

The thing is though that many of my fellow residents who suffer from serious mental illnesses do not do so well. Yes, they are no longer homeless but they are still trying to live with a mental illness and not doing so successfully. I see a lot of alcohol abuse and drug abuse, two things that only add fuel to the fire of mental illness. Symptoms are soon to follow, and the whole cycle of hospitalization and loss of their lease begins again. Our apartment does have 2 social workers who work with our little group. It is a step in the right direction.  I would say that only wrap around services can insure that state of wellness that makes for a solid dweller. Medication management, psychiatric and psychological services, job placement, and community living are the factors that keep one housed. When in the throes of mental illness, a person is simply not capable of living independently. To expect someone to do so is unfair. You can place an individual into a unit, but unless all factors are firing to attain wellness and stability, placement is futile.

This Halloween I woke up out of a dream free, sound sleep to find myself in my cozy apartment. My new kitten woke me up and all seemed right with the world

this morning. I know gratitude is celebrated chiefly on Thanksgiving not Halloween but I am starting my holidays early. I am extremely blessed to be living in permanent housing and will not and cannot be grateful enough!

Kitty love...

One of the reasons I came to the desert this week was to pick up my adopted kitten. His name is Seve and he is a black and white. For the longest time my best friend has tried to convince me to get a cat and I finally pulled the trigger.

I have read many blogs about how good a pet is for those who have a mental illness. The responsibility of taking care of a living thing gives meaning to one's life. The care and feeding of another can lift you out of a depression. I now can see why.

Although I have only been with him for a week, we are already bonding. He likes to wake up early, eat, play and then crash again. It's totally cute to wake up to a purring kitten on my chest. I am used to waking up and just jumping out of bed. Now I can see the beauty of just lingering until I am fully awake and presented with something positive the moment I wake up! 

I live alone in Irvine. For the longest time I have kept it that way out of self preservation. I was consumed with managing symptoms and the fallout from a massive episode 8 years ago. I have finally recovered to the point where I am out of survival mode and am looking for ways to enhance my life. Getting a pet is a big step in that direction.

So Seve and I return to Orange County this morning to start our new life together. I must say that I am a bit nervous about how he will adjust. My work schedule will allow me plenty of time with him though and I am looking forward to getting to know him better. It is exciting and a welcome addition to my life. Kitty love is the best thing ever!!

55...

Today is my 55th birthday. I am in La Quinta California, on vacation, and the happiest I have been in a long time. For my birthday, my best friend, who is a tremendous cook, is making homemade lasagna and chocolate cake. Party tonight.

I guess 55 is some kind of milestone. You are officially a senior and are faced with the fact that life goes by real fast! It seems like only yesterday when I met my best friend 30 years ago and even longer since I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 21. I find myself giving myself a mental pat on the back for surviving this long and coming out on the other side of some very difficult times.

When I was 21 I had no idea how bipolar disorder was going to impact my life. The doctors explained to me that the illness was chronic and would need to be treated throughout my lifetime. I really didn't pay much attention to that. I thought I could dismiss it and like the flu, experience an episode once and get over it. How naive and shortsighted I was!

The years since my initial diagnosis have been marked with difficulty, triumph, beautiful moments and tragedy. I married, had two sons , divorced , had episodes of depression and mania and kind of just kept going. So, I find myself at 55 trying to figure out what I want the rest of my years to look like. I have arrived at a place of wellness and healing, and I am more than ready to move on.


I am grateful for my life. I have been blessed with a terrific and loving family without whose support I never would have made it this far. I also have to credit my best friend, Kathy for the last 30 or so years of encouragement. They both have been there through all my battles with depression and I still look to them for guidance as I try to navigate the waters of this disorder. I am eternally grateful for their love and understanding.

I guess my message to those who are newly diagnosed with a mental illness is that it doesn'
t have to win. It is possible to live and thrive. I look forward to doing just that!

Going forward...

I have been thinking a lot about attitude lately. In general I have a good one but every once in a while I get in a funk and my thoughts turn negative. I think when I do go south, it is fueled by a kind of grief. You see, I don't want to have a mental illness. In fact I hate it, and that is not a good thing.

Rather than being angry that I have bipolar disorder I am having to learn to accept it which is a much better way to be. My moods are stable so it's easier to come to terms with the fact it is a chronic illness. Although it will last my lifetime it is not wearing me out in the present. Shifting from depression to mania is exhausting , so I am grateful for the current reprieve of symptoms.

So now comes the hard part. Now that I am well, I have to figure out what I want my life to look like. I crave productivity because so many times my efforts are stymied by depression. So I have been asking myself, what can I do that will give me a sense of fulfillment and actually mean something?

What I have come up with is that during my time off from work I am going to get involved in volunteer work with those who are also affected by mental illness. Also, I would like to get into advocacy. There are many issues that are related to mental illness that can find solutions politically and since I have always been interested in politics I think it will be a good fit.

All in all my attitude is one of looking forward and making the most of the present. My dad always told me that attitude is a decision and one you have to make regardless of circumstances. So onward I go, deciding each day to embrace my life despite living with bipolar disorder. I'll keep you all updated on my progress!

Getting my mojo back....

I am not a creature of habit. I don't usually want to follow a routine. I am often driven by my enthusiasms and deterred  by my depressions. Like a true manic depressive, I am either on or off, good or bad, engaged or distant. Yet since gaining stability in the last 8 years, I am more apt to realize that it is the everyday disciplines that drive one forward. Consistency is what I seek and I desire a steady course.

When I was at my worst bipolar self, I was a member of a foundation dedicated to recovery concepts for the mentally ill. One of their mantras was ADLs or activities of daily living. They recognized that the simplest of tasks, (like taking a shower everyday), often fell by the wayside when someone suffers from a serious mental illness. The focus of doing daily tasks was seen as a way out of the disorganization of SMIs and would serve as a foundation for recovery. They were right in my opinion.

I am in the habit of doing ADLs now. Regardless of how I feel, I get up, get showered and show up for the day. I have found that feelings sometimes cannot be trusted and are fleeting. I base my actions on the basic belief that this too shall pass, and half the battle is just showing up.

I am doing that now in my new job. I moved into the floral department of my store. I am learning slowly how to stock, display and arrange flowers. SiNce I have limitations of how much I can work due to Social Security rules, the 20 hours I spend working are well spent in my new job. For now it is a very good thing. The job pays the bills, and affords me the opportunity to engage in a productive activity. For now it will do, but I am, in the meantime, exploring other activities that will further my recovery and help me get my mojo back!

My goal is simple, I want to engage in life in such a way that I am fully participating, physically, emotionally and spiritually in life. Physically I need to get in shape and return to my sport. I miss participating in activities that get you out of your own head. Emotionally, I am in a good place but I want to expand on my relationships and become more open to new ones. Spiritually, I am growing. I rely on a faith based approach to the ups and downs of bipolar disorder. I know there is a higher power who never falters and is a constant companion in my journey.

I have recovered to the point where I am looking to enhance my life with the simple but profound things . I am adopting a kitten this week and putting some life into my apartment. It is a big step for me to take on the responsibility of taking care of something. For a long time I believed I wasn't capable of much more than managing symptoms. Hampered by shame, I built walls to keep out the possibility of connection. Now however I have walked through the light at the end of the tunnel and am able and willing to engage . My heart and life is expanding even though my mind is sometimes a battleground. I simply won't settle for a defeated mentality. Depression has had it's way with me long enough. It's time to live and to embrace the hope of recovery which is; mental illness does not always prevail. It does not always win. I am living proof that recovery is possible!

Freedom sweet freedom!!!

I know what it's like to lose your freedom. 8 years ago I had a bipolar episode and landed in a long term hospital setting. I was in a locked unit and only got to go outside during smoke breaks. The area we were allowed to go out to was a wired in lot that was bleak and imposing. Once inside again, the windows were plexiglass and the halls dark and ugly. It was hell. The only escape was to get well and I had to wait to let the medication do it's job and bring me back to sanity. I have never quite gotten over that experience and remember vividly how confinining and hopeless the situation was.

Yes it's been 8 years since that 9 month hospitalization and I can honestly say it made me appreciate many things. On the Fourth of July I am so grateful that I live in a land where care is available and I am free to pursue my goals and dreams. We are so fortunate in our country to have access to care and benefit from the advances in psychiatry. It makes me angry when the ant-psychiatry crowd rail against "the system". Quite frankly they wouldn't have a voice in any other country and would suffer under any other system.

Poolside July Fourth musings!!

Freedom is a precious thing though, and it brings with it the onus of responsibility. I am at a point in my wellness journey where I am evaluating my progress and am accessing where it is I want to go. I have a sacred duty in my opinion to live out my life in a  meaningful and productive way. The ability to even consider different paths is a blessing of freedom. There are no limits imposed on me and I am free to choose the direction I want to take. I am cognisant that it is up to my choosing how things will go. I can choose fear and stagnation or courage and action. No one else is responsible for my happiness and I am free to pursue happiness because of the sacrifice of so many.

So today, like so many days since my episode, I am thankful for the opportunity to determine my course. Blessed with freedom, I would hope that others reading this who are affected by mental illness would recognize the advantages of living in a country such as ours. There are so many services and organizations willing to help, and it is incumbent upon us to utilize them. Do so!!! Happy Fourth!

Ready, set , goals!!!!

Chronic, incurable, lifelong. These words unfortunately accompany a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. When I was first diagnosed at 21 I was told I would have to take medication for the rest of my life and that it would be forever altered by mental illness. Well, I have and it has. Lately however, I have begun to question some of the beliefs about my mental illness.

Above all else I question whether a life has to be dominated by the symptoms of mental illness. Can't we move beyond the mere management of symptoms and onto recovery and wellness? I believe the answer is a resounding yes. Yes, symptom recognition and management are important but once achieved, shouldn't one take the next step and figure out how to live a meaningful productive life? Yes again.

Perhaps the most important factor in my recovery from my last episode, (a 9 month hospitalization),
has been my ability to set and achieve goals. My methods are simple and I think anyone challenged by a mental illness can use them to further their journey.

First, identify your areas of interest. Life without a purpose is by nature depressing and unfulfilling.
Identify the areas you want to attend to and name your passions. Clarify where it is you want to go. After you do this you can set goals.

When I set goals I break things down into categories. My life consists of physical, emotional , spiritual, financial and pleasurable components. I set goals in each category that are long and short term and attainable.

Perhaps the most important part of goal setting is assessment. Set a timeframe for reviewing your goals and see how far you have come and where you need to improve. Reaccess, regroup, and redraw your goals then move forward. If you are struggling with a mental illness perhaps your perspective or judgement is skewed and you need help in this process. That is perfectly okay. A second set of eyes is always a good thing.

Accept setbacks when You are reaching for growth and following your passions. Perhaps you will experience symptoms of your disorder or just life stuff will get in the way of achieving your goals. The key is to not give up. Slow and steady wins the race!

Go for it! I totally believe that a person living with a mental illness can thrive, set a path for the future and attain it. We who experience disorders of the mind, need to be hypervigilant about our path though. You cannot get anywhere if you are a victim of continued symptoms. I would argue that in spite of how you feel you should press on. Get your illness under control with the help of a psychiatrist, take your meds, see a therapist , join a support group, move forward!! Don't settle!!

Gimme a break!

I've written before on vacation, but this time I wanted to take a moment and explain how important taking a break from mental illness is. Having a diagnosis such as bipolar disorder can be all consuming if you let it. I believe however that you can come to a place where you can leave it behind for a while and then return to your struggle with renewed vigor.


La Quinta California is definitely my happy place. It's where I am taking my break and I love it. There is something about the desert that puts my soul at peace. The heat doesn't even bother me. Due to the generosity of my best friend, I get to stay and do pool time and enjoy the sunshine. I literally leave my life behind in an effort to rejuvenate. And that is very okay!

One thing about taking a break that is very important is to have things in order before you do so. Part of my life is very regimented. I see a psychiatrist, get a shot of Abilify every two months and faithfully take my medication. I also am in therapy to address the issues of living with a mental illness as well as dealing with "life stuff". My support system is intact and my job secure. With all this in place, I am free to go on a vacation and not return to unfinished business. It's the way I have operated for the last 8 years in recovery and it has worked.


I wouldn't say mental illness is the dominant feature of my life. Every once in a while I do feel sorry for myself, but then do a reality check and recognize how grateful I am for all the good in my life. I don't wake up in the morning and think, Oh god, another day with bipolar disorder!" I face each day as it comes and am learning to take it one moment at a time. Although I am a consummate worrier, I am try to let that go and be more faith oriented. All in all I would say I my life is blessed and I am fortunate to have recovered and be on the path to wellness.


The lesson of the desert is that beautiful things can be found in bleak places. That is the essence of my journey with mental illness. The road to wellness has been one of hard work and some setbacks but I can honestly say I am well, and while on vacation I can simply enjoy the reward of all that hard work. Pass the sunscreen!!

SMIs. What the heck?

The other day I was starting to walk to work when a guy from my apartment complex stopped me. He is seriously affected by schizophrenia and despite all my knowledge of the illness I was wary. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted to know the name of the manager of my store and "everyone has problems!". I assumed he had trouble in the store and I wasn't surprised. He often comes in to shop and as he makes his way down the isles he has animated conversation with what I am assuming are his voices. People stare and the staff keep an eye on him.

At the apartment complex he is continuously engaged in conversation with himself. He swims in the pool everyday and takes walks around the parking lot, talking all the way. I hear him when I walk past his apartment on my way to work. The talking never seems to stop. I feel nothing but compassion for him and think that this must be a tortuous way to live.

Maybe I am wrong though. I know a lot about schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder but I have never really engaged anyone with the illness about how they feel about it. I have never specifically asked how they feel about the voices they hear or if their responses irritate them at all. Like so many others, my knowledge about serious mental illnesses (SMIs) is limited despite all this time in the mental health world.

Sure, I know a lot about bipolar disorder from researching it due to my own diagnosis. I have personal knowledge, book knowledge and personal experience from dealing with others with bipolar. Yet, when it comes to schizophrenia I am finding I am ignorant and biased just like the rest of society.

The behaviors associated with this particular mental illness are off putting and frankly scary. Auditory and visual hallucinations are common. Being out of touch with reality, religious and persecutory delusions are also symptoms. It is a very misunderstood illness and although it shares some of the symptoms of bipolar disorder my response to it in real time is as ignorant as most of society. I have some work to go to educate myself about schizophrenia and some of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. We have a long way to go in our acceptance of SMIs as a society and I need to do some work personally.

It is heartening to see on the news that there is a push to educate young people about SMIs. Mental health should be taught in schools. After all mental health is just as key to development as physical health.I believe the more we are taught about the symptoms of mental illnesses the less frightening they will become. After all, fear is often the product of ignorance. I am the fist to acknowledge that I too suffer from this fearful ignorance and would benefit from learning more. Perhaps if we knew what to expect, the symptoms of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder would be met with compassion and assistance. People like my neighbor would perhaps suffer less and receive more support. I think it is a goal worth attaining!

One of the lucky ones...

I was raised to not believe in luck. A saying in my family was, "but for the grace of god go I." We were taught that we made our own luck, and the harder one worked the luckier one got. If you were in a superior position, you were to go forward with humility, considering that others were less fortunate and you were were blessed.

I still think that way, but my experience with mental illness has caused me to question many things and has challenged this way of thinking. Truth be told, I am one of the lucky ones. My depression finally responded to medication. Yes, it took many trials of different meds and different combinations, but my doctors and I finally found the right mix to keep me stable. Many others are not as fortunate.


I recently joined an online support group for families and caregivers of the mentally ill. I joined because of my brother who lives with bipolar disorder. The group addresses all sorts of concerns for getting help for your loved one. It also chronicles the struggles of so many who suffer from serious mental illnesses. I find myself reading their stories with sadness. The problems seem so insurmountable. Many refuse treatment, or fail to acknowledge they are ill. The families who participate in the group share their utter frustration at the vicissitudes of the illnesses and their feelings of powerlessness. Sometimes after reading their stories I experience a grief reaction. I recognize their feelings of hopelessness as they deal with their loved ones.


I experienced hopelessness and helplessness while at my most depressed. I was pushing the proverbial boulder up a hill and the boulder kept rolling back and crushing me. My depression for many years was a constant. I lived in a state of grief, despair and a kind of fog. Everything felt heavy, life was a burden too hard to bear. For whatever reason I did not seek to end my life and for that I am grateful. Again, many are not as fortunate.

So what do I do now that I am moving from recovery to wellness? I think I need to recognize that I am lucky. Despite the fact that I have worked hard in recovery there is the "luck of the draw" factor. I am one of the fortunate ones who have responded to treatment and have had support and a track record of successes. Given all that, I believe my response to such luck should be to help those who find themselves still suffering from the symptoms of mental illness. Yes, but for the grace of God go I, but also, it is incumbent of me to reach out to those affected.

I know that my recovery is a fragile thing. Bipolar illness is chronic and cyclical. I may become depressed again. I might experience mania, the drugs may become ineffectual, or I may have a breakthrough of symptoms. It scares me frankly. Yet, I hold on to the hope that I may not experience relapse, and my efforts will produce a sustained period of wellness. And so I move forward, not without fear and trepidation but forward nonetheless.

A way out of the darkness...

I recently joined a support group for families of those affected by mental illness. I am in a unique position in that my brother is bipolar and I am as well. The horror stories that are shared on the site are so familiar. I have lived some of them! However, I am in recovery and on a steady path to wellness. So what is it that has gotten me to this point of stability?

First and foremost, I believe that you cannot do mental illness on your own strength. I make no apologies for "borrowing" from the strength and support of the people in my life. Some days I just can't summon the will to go on, so I call my "go to" loved ones and look for help. There is no shame in admitting that you are not okay, but I believe there is a pile of regret waiting if you do not reach out and act on your emotions.


The fact is, the medical profession is there to help. I know there is a lot of false information out there that implies that all a doctor will do is listen for 10 minutes then medicate. I have not found that to be the case. There are psychiatrists who will spend time and go through the process of finding the right treatments for your mental illness. I found an excellent doctor in Orange County who spends a substantial amount of time and has been with me for 6 years. Yes I had to tweak my meds and find out what worked for me through trial and error, but I think that is the case with any medical condition.


Therapy has been such an important part of my recovery. It is key to find someone who is an objective listener . Someone who is not emotionally invested that you can say anything to. My bipolar disorder is a liar and often tells me I am helpless, hopeless and less then. I have trouble with negative, catastrophic thinking and my therapy has challenged those beliefs and taught me coping skills. It has been invaluable.


Finally, a word about resilience. It is so important to maintain hope and bounce back from setbacks. The bipolar journey is not linear and you will have twists and turns, ups and downs. If you fall, it's okay, but get back up. I firmly believe that life is worth the living, and you have to have a bit of fight in you to survive a mental illness.


If you or a loved one is struggling living with a mental illness I would encourage you to seek help. Go to the medical community, get a psychiatrist and therapist, join a support group, adhere to medications, build a network of support and work on resilience. Above all else don't give up. I am living proof that a person can reach stability and thrive. If it seems impossible to cope, reach out and ask for help! The national suicide number is 1-800-273-8255. Also contact NAMI and get info on how to connect to support and services. It is possible to manage a mental illness, but there is work involved!

Home Sweet Home.

I recently completed a recertification for my apartment. I live in a complex that has 12 units reserved for the mentally ill by the county. After my last episode 7 years ago. I secured this living situation through a group I was with that provided services for those affected by mental illness seeking housing. I had lived in board and care situations for 2 years and was ready for a place of my own.

I am so grateful for my apartment. It is in a lovely section of Irvine in Orange County Ca. It has been a place of healing and grounding for me. I have a job across the street and it is central to where my family is located. It is just a skip away from my parents and sister and easily reached by my sons. It has been a total blessing and I consider myself so fortunate to have it.

Unfortunately the other 11 units are occupied by consumers who aren't doing as well. There are several occupants who have become recluses, emerging from their apartments only occasionally. One tenant is constantly in the throes of his schizophrenia, talking to himself incessantly. I pass his apartment on my walk out of the gate on the way to work and here him arguing with the voices that no doubt torment him. One other, has been transported by ambulance to the hospital more times than I can count. I think that this raises the question of whether independent housing is always the answer for people living with a serious mental illness.

I believe in group housing. There, a consumer has a shot at success because they are supported and have a sense of community. Left to their own devices many who experience the symptoms of serious mental illness do not do well in an independent unit. I have succeeded because of my support system of family, work, and accessing help from a psychiatrist and therapist. There is a representative from the group I was associated with on site. I check in with her and maintain some relationships within the complex.

I don't think my success is to be lauded because in a very real way it has come only because I am fortunate to have become stable. My bipolar disorder is responding well to treatment. Medication, therapy and a constant relationship with my psychiatrist have propelled me to this level. But to be honest, many don't respond as well through no fault of their own. Their illness is treatment resistant and they struggle. Adding the responsibility of maintaining a living space while managing an illness is just too much and they eventually fail.

I believe as state and federal governments seek to solve the problem of housing the homeless mentally ill, they should consider many factors other than the just the lack of units to house them. Substance abuse, medication compliance and the individuals history of managing their illness should all taken into consideration. Simply putting someone who is affected into an apartment is not the answer. Group homes and wraparound services should accompany the solution. It may not be politically correct, but without support very few of the homeless mentally ill will be able to maintain a independent living situation.

Before being hit with my disorder and a divorce, I was a homeowner and knew how to create a home. That is what I have done with my apartment. At first, I decorated with things my best friend gave me. My family kicked in and helped me make things pleasantly livable. Now, every paycheck I get something for the place. They are small improvements, but they matter to me. I have made a healing space for myself and am so thankful for the opportunity to do so. I know however that it would all change if I was irresponsible about my illness or had a change in my stability. So, I hold on for dear life and move forward one step at a time.

It is my hope that all those affected by mental illness get the help they so desperately need and access affordable housing and the means to sustain it. The more services the better and I am a big proponent of spending money on things that matter. Access to care, medication, substance abuse interventions and community based services should all get the attention they deserve. We need to solve the problem, but as a person living with a mental illness, I believe the solution has to take a look at the ability of the person to mange their mental illness. It is a harsh reality, but compliance is a major issue and a deal breaker. All of these factors must be taken into consideration. It is the sensible, compassionate and realistic way to solve the housing crisis.

For the boys...

I used to dread Mother's day. For a major portion of my kid's lives I did not have custody of my children and parented from afar. I was diagnosed with a mental illness way before they were born but was extremely ill during my first borns early years and the first two years of my second son's life. My ex and I eventually divorced and he got physical custody. I kept involved in their lives by phone calls, visitations and family events. But it was never enough. I was consumed by grief at the loss and for many years celebrated Mother's day in a funk.


Now that my boys are grown they have become a part of my life in a big way. My oldest Jake is recently married and now I have a daughter in law, Julie! Danny is in college and works and is involved with Young Life. I talk to them frequently, they both live close, and I see them often. The days of arranging to see them are over and I have entered a new phase in my life with them. The grief that so often accompanied my dealings with them is gone and has been replaced by an excitement of things that are happening and hope for the future. Mother's day this year is going to be sweet!


I am so grateful for the way things have turned out. For many years I didn't think I could endure the separations, the missed events and opportunities to be with my sons. I hung in there for dear life and have come to this place as a result of just waiting things out. Time really does heal wounds! It took the boys becoming adults with their own cars, decisions and agendas to come to our current relationships. I am so glad I didn't give up and saw things through to this point!

Danny, Julie and Jake!

Now that I am stable, I look forward to my future with the boys. It is clear to me now that my mental illness does not have to dominate my relationship with them. I believe , in fact, that they are better men because of having a Mom who lives with a disorder. They are compassionate, loving and caring in their dealings with others and very supportive of my journey. I couldn't ask for a better outcome to a story that was fraught with pain and difficulty.


I am so grateful this Mother's day for my children and my own Mom, but I know this day can be difficult and painful for many. I am fortunate to still have my Mom, but others have lost theirs due to illness, emotional distance or even mental illness. I hope that if you are reading this and live with a mental illness and are a Mom, you will find help and healing. If you are struggling this Mother's day, you can contact NAMI and find support groups where you can find understanding and support. If you need to talk to someone you can also call a NAMI warm line. Also, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255.  You will find help if you are suicidal or in emotional distress. Please reach out and get the help you need!

Be Happy NOW!!!

Happiness is a tricky subject. We all pursue happiness, sometimes we gain it but often times it is elusive. If you are bipolar, happiness can seem like an unreachable destination, but I am here to tell you it is possible to be happy in spite of a mental illness diagnosis.

For many years I suffered from crippling bipolar depression. Everyday was a struggle to just keep breathing and carry on. Many of my life events were tainted with sadness because I felt I should be happy but I was experiencing painful symptoms. My depression dominated my thinking and I lived in a negative, dark and dreary place in my mind. It was near impossible to participate in life because my brain was sick, disorienting me and making me slow, sad, dispirited, and disheartened. Physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted, I finally reached a breaking point in 2011 and was admitted to a hospital. I stayed 9 months.

My 2011 break was the worst one I have ever had. It totally wiped me out. I left the hospital in a funk , not even recovered, and proceeded to try to get my life back. It has taken 8 years to recover from that breakdown. During that time I have had some blips, but have not cycled in and out of mania and depression. I credit this to quality care, the support of family and friends and my innate desire to get well! 

There are several reasons I think I  have been able to recover. I see a psychiatrist regularly, not just when symptoms occur. I am on a strict medication routine and have adhered to it regardless of how I feel. (I take my meds even when I am feeling better!) I see a therapist and talk about my feelings and struggles. I rely on my support people to give me feed back on how I am doing and unashamedly ask for help when I need it. 

Diet, activity, exercise mindfulness, faith and self-care are all components to a wellness plan. I am working on some of these and doing better in some areas than in others. I haven't yet reached total success in some, but I am moving forward and learning new ways achieve my goals. 

Perseverance is the most important key to my rise out of the darkness. I have had to set my mind on moving forward despite symptoms, med changes and everyday life frustrations. Depression tends to kill your motivation but I feel that it is essential to find something to hold onto in order to pull yourself up out of the madness. Some people look to their children as motivation to hold on and keep going. I am guilty of this and looking to other loved ones, borrowing from their strength

and hope. I do this without apology. Rather than thinking I am a burden I remind myself that when I am engaged in life I can give back as much as I recieved. In fact , when I am well, it is my intention to give back above and beyond what is deserved. 

I have decided recently to choose happiness in spite of circumstances. I choose to be happy now even when trying to obtain wellness and achieve the goals I have set. I am not going to wait to until I am stronger, thinner, richer, faster, smarter, problem free, (you get it!) to be happy!

Happiness for me is that feeling of contentment, peace, and well-being that only comes when I am settled and stable. I can honestly say that I am getting to a place where I can launch from stability into the next level of wellness. Like everyone else, I have "issues" that need addressing that were often overlooked because of the overriding depression and mania's in my journey. The next level for me is taking a fierce inventory and see where I am at compared to where I want to go. I look forward to gaining momentum and achieving some goals. Yes, i have a ways to go, but I look forward to the challenge!

Walking the fine line....

Balance. It's hard for me as a bipolar person to experience balance. I experience things mostly on the extremes on the spectrum of life. On the one end I am depressed and things are muted, in a shade of grey. During a depression I am overly contemplative, given to sorrow and catastrophic thinking. On the other side, I am manic. The world is vivid, my decisions and actions come rapid fire and I am euphoric; my thinking is grandiose. Mania is addicting, it feels wonderful but in my case escalates quickly into psychosis. My equilibrium is totally thrown off as I bounce from one mood to another. Moderation, self-control, steadiness and stability have not been hallmarks of my journey!

Stability had been elusive in my bipolar experience until the last 2 or 3 years. It has been 8 years since my last hospitalization and I have been steady in my progress since. My doctor in the hospital spent a lot of time with me and prescribed Invega to allieviate the symptoms of mania. I am on Abilify also and receive a shot every two months. Because my struggle is predominantly with depression, I am currently on Aplenzin. I have read and heard that antidepressants can throw you into mania but that has not been the case with me. I would say that I have finally achieved the beginnings of stability.

Balance and stability are foreign to me. Depression is, in a weird way comfortable. I am a ruminator and a contemplative person by nature, so when depression hits it's not that foreign. I read a lot, overthink and slip into my old standby, worrying. I isolate and view life from afar but engage with loved ones just enough to worry about them. My thinking is dominated by concerns for the future and in the meantime my present is lived in a fog of anxiety and regret. Mania however is very uncomfortable. I get aggitated and am easily irritated. My speech is rapid, my thoughts race. My mind is in constant "go mode", and i go through endless to do lists. Grandiosity is the next to follow and finally sleep goes out the window! I spin into psychosis eventually and then I am quite literally "gone".

For me, reaching a point of stability was a huge effort. I didn't know how to operate without a dominating depression and couldn't function within the manic state. There is the cliche that you get a lot done when manic, but the truth is most of it is irrelevant activity that is not focused or useful. It is just busywork, undirected and unproductive. Depression is a life killer, so not a lot gets done. Time slips away with goals unrealized and personal growth thwarted. Both states negatively impact the progression of your life. I have learned that stability is the only state in which you can approach and maintain a healthy life.

A huge part my recovery and quest for balance has been my faith. Today is Easter, a very important day in my belief system. It is a day of celebration of the hope of eternal life and resurrection. I base my life upon these principles and the tenants of Christianity and they have saved my life. I believe that I do not suffer alone, that there is hope for recovery and a promise of a meaningful life here and into eternity. It is hope that has returned balance to my life and a faith in the tender mercies of God that has restored my sanity. I am grateful and working on being humble and kind because of the blessings I have received. Yes, it has been a difficult and non-linear road to this point but I am alive and now well.

I acknowledge that I still have work to do to achieve balance and then success. I am hopeful though that i will do what is necessary to achieve it. Perhaps the greatest asset I possess is the presence of people in my support system who are willing and courageous enough to tell me where I need to improve. I take their advice and act on it because it makes sense and comes from a place of caring. So, with their help and a solid hope, I move forward on the tightrope of manic-depression knowing that I don't walk alone. Step by step I am moving forward in a positive direction. Happy Easter!

Truth...the key to my bipolar puzzle.

Telling the truth takes courage and hearing the truth often hurts! I have a very courageous friend who tells me the truth even when it does hurt. I appreciate her because I know she comes from a place of caring, but also she wants me to become my best self. Still, I kind of have a delayed reaction when confronted. I hear what she is saying and it takes me a couple of days to digest it and then a couple more to act on the advice. My reactions have nothing to do with being bipolar it is just how I am wired.

I am hard wired to contemplate. I hear the truth of a matter and sit with it for awhile. If it hits the mark I usually will act on it. I don't react well in the moment though. I often take things quietly and usually this is a strength, but sometimes it is not to my advantage. I am learning to trust my gut more and am trying to respond to situations when they happen. I think confidence has a lot to do with this. Bipolar disorder really affected my self concept for a long time now, and my confidence is still low. But I am getting better and as I encounter more situations while stable, and react well, the better I feel about myself.

The harshest truth about being by bipolar is that it will affect your judgment. I don't make good decisions when manic for obvious reasons. When I am manic I quickly escalate to psychosis then all reason leaves the building. When I am depressed my judgement is clouded. I am living in a fog and it often takes others to point out the things I am missing. I often have made decisions from a fatalistic point of view when depressed and don't see the whole picture. So, in a big way I rely on those who support me to point out realities that I am just not seeing when I am in a funk.

Now that I am stable it is becoming evident to me that I need to work on some truths in my life. I have been divorced for 15 years now and have largely been on my own. So my habits and quirkiness are not recognized or modified by a significant other. This was pointed out to me recently and I thought about it quite a bit. Bipolar disorder has been so dominant in the last 20 years that I have isolated for long periods of time and therefore have not been social. I have gone missing from the game for long stretches of time. This has robbed me of the opportunities to grow from experiences with another. Iron sharpens iron, and I am starting to desire that dynamic in my life.

Truth be told, bipolar disorder has given me certain gifts. It has caused me to be more reliant on the goodness and insight of others. Because of this I love and appreciate the people in my life all the more! It has also taught me humility and gratitude. When I was first diagnosed I was only 21 and felt invincible, entitled and a bit proud. Having a mental illness makes you realize how fragile the mind and life are, how interconnected we all are and how much we need to approach life from a place of humbleness and gentleness. I am so grateful for even the small blessings of life after having survived 33 years of the ups and downs of a mental illness. My episodes have devastated me and required me to summon up the courage to rebuild while requiring me to take a hard look at myself. This has taught me resilience and a hunger for the truth. I am grateful for the support of loved ones who have so graciously assisted me in getting my life back!


So, as much as it hurts to admit it, the truth is bipolar disorder really has impacted my relationships, self concept and thrown a wrench in my progress as a person. This is why I crave stability and the truth. It is my belief that is only when I am stable do I have the ability to hear the truth, assess it and use it to move forward. The longer the period of stability the more progress I make. Isn't progress the goal? Ultimately  I want to become a better person, learn from my mistakes and grow despite being bipolar!

Some thoughts on getting things done!

I get very irritable when I can't solve a problem . If something is broke I want it fixed and if I have a question I want it answered. Bipolar disorder makes it difficult to achieve these things.

Because of the way I feel when I am depressed, I don't get much done. There is no moving forward on projects or goals and time is waisted. When I finally come to, I am playing catch up. Then I really want things handled and quickly. It's a vicious cycle with mania playing into the mix. I get a lot accomplished when I am manic but I also engage in activity that is just busyness with no clear direction. It is when I am stable that I can direct my energies to solving problems, fixing what is broken and answering the questions that swirl n my head when I am symptomatic.

One of my biggest questions is can a person lead a productive life amidst the interruptions of bipolar disorder. I now believe the answer is yes and the key is long periods of stability. When my mind is clear I can use logic to solve problems instead of running on depressed or manic emotions. Clarity for a long time means more problems solved!

When the chalkboard of my mind is clear I can then plot my course. I like making lists and setting goals. It gives me a sense of security to know I can control some things in my life, so I write them down and work on them. It feels great to put a checkmark next to a goal! I write out my problems, see what needs fixing and jot down my questions. It is a lot like taking inventory. I access where I am in several categories , emotional, physical, spiritual, relational and vocational. I figure out where I am and where I want to go in each area. At the end of a good period of time, I evaluate what else needs to be done. It's really how I have achieved a level of wellness that allows me to fully participate in life. I hope if you are reading this and are struggling to recover from a mental illness you will try my method. I hope it helps someone!

The elephant in the room...

It's time to address my number one health issue that is somewhat related to my mental illness. I smoke. Because I have suffered from bipolar disorder, it has been a secondary issue for a long time, but now that my mental illness is in remission, it is in the forefront and time to take a hard look at my worst habit.

One of the hallmark symptoms of my disorder is agitated depression. When I feel depressed it is as if I am surrounded by dark waters. Like swimming in mud, everything is slowed down, and I get frustrated and overwrought. My state of agitation is profound and smoking , for that 5 minutes it takes to smoke a cigarette, eases the distress. It is a terrible solution to the problem and a very temporary fix.


Being bipolar has nothing to do with the fact that I am by nature a ruminator, and a smoking one at that. I light up and think about all the worries on my mind and just churn. I have a tendency to drift off, to stare into space and smoke away. It is so destructive and the guilt of that eliminates much of the pleasure . But being bipolar fuels the addiction. I simply get overwhelmed by the day in and out challenges of living with a mental illness and I seek relief in my addiction. Bad news.

I haven't written about my smoking addiction before. I guess I am ashamed. The addiction is costing me money that is hard earned, and will eventually cost me my life if I don't wise up. My best  friend chastised me last night about it and it really hit home. My family is so upset that I smoke and my kids are especially worried. It is insane to continue. But isn't addiction insane? I will be working the twelve steps which address the need to be restored back to sanity in regards to smoking cessation.

I am returning form my vacation tomorrow and have decided to quit. I am no longer depressed so I don't need the relief, only the addiction remains. I am going to enter a smoking cessation program upon my return and will be working  on it with my therapist. We are going to track when the urge to smoke is the strongest, try to replace it with healthy activities and examine the feelings surrounding my need to smoke. It will be one of the biggest challenges I have faced and I hope I am up to it. I do know for a fact that I need help and I
am going to get it.

So back to Orange County I go, looking forward to a smoke free future. It is high time that I quit and maybe I am writing this to solidify my commitment. Making it public and acknowledging the problem will make me more accountable and I am all for that!

Checking in from La Quinta!

There is something about the Southern California desert town of La Quinta that does wonders for me. I come here on vacations to my best friend's house, Casa Schowe. It is so beautiful here. The contrast between the arid desert and the vibrant bougainvillea reminds me that life can happen even in the harshest environments. I am here when that is happening to me. Although I live with a mental illness, it has become manageable and serves only as a backdrop for my life; I want life to happen regardless.


It has been a long road to get to this point where I can think about my next move. For so long I was in survival mode. Managing my symptoms was a herculean task and everyday life was a struggle. I tend to deal with depression much more so than mania so everything was an effort. Simple tasks turned into big deals, like swimming in mud. Now however, I am not depressed. Some of my life circumstances have not changed, but that's okay. I am at a place where everything is stable and I can move on to the next level of wellness. I think it's important to put bipolar disorder in its

place, and not give it so much power.

There is so much to be grateful for right now. Being on vacation let's me take a step back and consider how many blessings I am returning home to. My sons are flourishing. Danny is in college and working hard. Jake is newly married and happy. They are supportive of my journey and often check in. My family is super supportive as well and have seen me through to this point. My friends have waited for me till I came out on the other side of my depressions. I am truly grateful to all those who support me!

So I go back to Orange County recharged and ready to take on some challenges. I will be continuing therapy and start to address what my next steps will be. Maximum wellness is the goal!

The Dark Side.

I gotta admit, I love Yoda. The venerable Star Wars character had a lot of cool quotes and some of the best were about anger. While training Luke on the ways of the Force he said, "Beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression, the dark side of the force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight." Well,Yoda got this one right! Anger, especially bipolar anger is a very destructive emotion, one that I have experienced and have had to come to terms with.

Anger is a very human emotion. Everyone gets angry, it's what you do with your anger that counts. In  my life I haven't always dealt with it properly. Repressed anger leads to depression, so I've read and have been told. Oh so true. When I get angry I get afraid of the intensity of the emotion and the feelings and circumstances behind it and proceed to stuff it! Anger, however doesn't play by the rules and usually comes out in a myriad of ways. With me, I crumble under its weight and get depressed.

The thing I have been the most angry about is my mental health diagnosis. I don't want to be bipolar. Given my druthers I wouldn't talk about it or deal with it at all. Mental illness is messy, tricky and extremely frustrating and quite frankly it pisses me off. I like solving problems and bipolar disorder just doesn't lend itself to easy solutions. I want it to be cured. I have been told that my mental illness is chronic and that rankles me. If you are sick you should be able to get well or at least have a fighting shot at getting healthy again! So there you have it, I have been diagnosed and have been dealing with an illness that is lifelong and desultory, and I am not happy about it at all.

I guess in some ways I am like a little kid who kicks and screams when they don't get their way. I fight mental illness and resent its presence in my life. I find manic-depression to be tedious and disruptive. I want an even flow to my life and that has just not happened. But, I am learning "the ways of the force"! Therapy is helping me cope with all these angry, frustrated feelings. I am learning that no one has an easy path, we all struggle and no journey is linear. I am learning to validate my belief that my mental illness can be managed and the darker aspects can be brought under control. I am learning to channel my anger into a motivation for better things in my life.


Frankly, I find that most of the posts and blogs about mental illness are upsetting and leave me angry. Many of the writers have resigned themselves to a life of misery and seem to be bedeviled by their symptoms. They leave me with the impression that they are victims of a force too powerful to fight. They chalk a lot of their emotions up to being bipolar when in fact they are simply misguided. The fact is bipolar disorder can be managed, dealt with , and put in its proper place. It does not have to be central in your life. I am not my mental illness.

Yoda would probably have a lot to say to me after reading this rant! I would however take his advice to, "Do or do not, there is no try!" If you are struggling with mental health issues I would encourage you to reach out and do some things. Reach out for help from a health provider. Garner the help of a family member, friend or whomever to get you the help you need, or call one of the many help lines dedicated to hearing you out. The NAMI Warm-line ( 1-877-910-WARM) and the National Suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255) are excellent resources  if you need to talk things out. If you are angry about your mental illness that's okay. I am too. Let's do something about it though and live to fight another day!

My ongoing battle with Depression...

Pills don't solve everything. I have severe bipolar depression and even though I take a handful of medication every morning and every night there are some things the meds don't touch.

I have dealt with a lot of grief in the past 3 years. I grieved the loss inflicted by bipolar disorder. I dwelt on what I could and should have become. Because of the cyclical nature of the disease, I spent the majority of my years in a deep depression followed by manic episodes that required hospitalization. I believed it had stolen my career, my motherhood and chunks of time that I could never get back. And so I grieved. It was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that everything had gone terribly wrong and I was powerless to stop it.



I am learning that it can be managed now. It can be stopped. The belief that depression is too powerful of a force is being addressed and challenged. Medication has brought me to a level playing field where I can start to live again. The grief and shame associated with my illnesses impact on my ability to mother has lifted. It occured to me that I had tried my best to be a part of their lives in spite of mental illness and had largely succeeded. As they have come into my life in a big way in their adulthood, that pain has gone, and my depression has subsided.

For me, depression was and is not only a disease of the brain, but a inclination of the mind. Ever since my last episode, I suffer from catastrophic thinking. I falsely believe that a bad situation will get worse and very bad things can happen. I was traumatized by my last 9 month hospitalization and used it as proof that things can get ugly. Well they did and do. However, I am realizing that the negativity of that thought has kept me in depression for a long time. It robbed me of hope which is perhaps the greatest talisman against a downward slide.

I am entering therapy in February. I sought a psychologist who is a CBT therapist. "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" focuses on solutions and ways of coping. I am all into solutions at this point in my journey. Thankful that I have received empathy aand sympathy, I am more interested in learning a skill set to combat bipolar disorder. I need the tools to fight!

It seems to me that there is a lot of pill shaming in the mental health world. It is as if you take medication you have somehow given in to the disease. I couldn't disagree more strongly. My mental illness originates in the chemistry of my brain and radiates out to the circumstances of my life. Once stable on meds I can address what's happening in my emotional, physical and spiritual world. Meds are a starting point and the rest is hard work!

If you or a loved one is struggling with depression, I want you to know it can get better. Sometimes it just takes time. I went through a lot of medications before I found the right combination.Time also healed a lot of wounds. Just hang in there and don't give up hope for a better tomorrow. You can call NAMI's warm line (1-877-910-WARM) or call the National suicide hotline at (1-800-277-TALK). Reach out and get the help you deserve!

Where is God?

Talking about religion is tricky, especially if you are mentally ill. Religious grandiosity is a definite feature of bipolar disorder and religious themes can dominate episodes of the illness. So it is with great care that I bring up the topic of faith and God.

Faith is an important part of my life. I don't know how I could have survived this long without the beliefs I espouse. I believe God is with us when we suffer. I also believe He can be known, bringing meaning and well-being into a person's life. Just because these beliefs get distorted and exaggerated in a manic state does not make them any less true.

After a manic episode and the experience of religious grandiosity I usually return to my faith gradually and with much fear and trepidation. I don't want to talk about God and be perceived as out of touch with reality, so I keep quiet. Eventually though, I realize that there is a void in my life if I ignore spirituality and the presence of a loving God.


During my last episode, I was hospitalized for 9 long months. Faith was far away and doubt and delusions dominated my thinking. How could God possibly have anything to do with such a state? The answer I believe is that He was there . God doesn't need our awareness to be present. He is who He is and reveals Himself as He sees fit. For me, the grace of God got me through that time and continues to follow me in my recovery.

So now I write to those suffering from the ravages of mental illness. I would encourage you to keep the faith, don't let disease ruin a good thing. Try to give grace a chance to enter into your journey and humbly accept God's help.

Humbly is the key word here. It is my experience that religious grandiosity is characterized with a great deal of pride. In reality you are not a special messenger or a bearer of any new revelation. Once sanity returns you realize you are human like everyone else and you can return to a right relationship with God. As Solomon says in Proverbs, "After all, God is in heaven and you are here on the earth. So let your words be few."

It is my hope that all who live with a mental illness will experience the presence of a higher power. If you are interested in the role of faith, you can contact NAMI at nami.org and look into their faith based programs. Good luck on your journey!

My state of mind...

I never thought anything good would come of my mental illness. For a long time I only saw the destruction and chaos my bipolar disorder caused. My marriage failed, I lost custody of my children, I lost my ability to work and pursue any interests, and ultimately lost my mind. I was firmly in the grips of an illness that was too powerful for me.

So how have I come to a place of wellness? Basically I took steps to combat my symptoms and adhered to a plan to get better. First and foremost I developed a relationship with my doctor. I adhered to a complex medication regimen and hung in there until we found a combination that worked. After experiencing my worst and longest episode that included a 9 month hospitalization, I gave my brain time to heal. Healing was grounded in the foundation of medicine.

Secondly I was not ashamed to reach out for help. The belief that I was a burden was dispelled by the love and encouragement of family and friends. I made no apologies for borrowing on their strength and hope.

Therapy has helped but nothing has been as effective as doing a fearless inventory of my life and being willing to change. This was the hardest part for me. Yes I am bipolar but I also have character issues that needed changing and demanded action. The thing that needed changing the most was my state of mind. I was lost in my grief over my diagnosis and the effects it had on my sons. Letting go of that grief and moving forward is the hardest thing I have ever done. I needed to stop wallowing in my pain, acknowledge it and then let it go. It was time to get busy living!

Faith has played a critical role in my recovery. For a long time I was cautious about spirituality because bipolar disorder has a feature of religious grandiosity. I didn't talk about my faith because I didn't want to be perceived as a religious "nut". Now however, I realize that if grounded in humility, a belief in God can be strong medicine. I believe that God suffers with us, and is there even in our darkest moments. I have experienced Him restoring my sanity and leading me on a path to wellness.

Time that was lost to mental illness is now being redeemed, and my sons have become an integral part of my life. Now that they are adults they chose to be very present. We acknowledge the impact mental illness has had, but are moving on despite bipolar disorder. My grief has been replaced by relationships, and the primary source of my depression has lifted.

Depression may return, mania may occur again because bipolar disorder is a chronic illness. I realize that I have life-long illness and there may be relapses into symptoms. Well, my attitude is so be it. I am putting into place new strategies for fighting mental illness and am willing to fall back on the medical community for help. Diet, exercise, mindfulness and therapy are becoming critical parts of my daily living. My activities of daily living go beyond just taking my meds. I am not afraid of another episode, I am ready and prepared.

Although mental illness was something I was ashamed of for many years, it has now become a positive in my journey. It has taught me lessons of perseverance, patience and given me a compassion for others locked in the struggle for a meaningful life in the presence of a chronic illness.  I believe that bipolar disorder can be managed, and with an attitude of gratefulness and hope can be overcome!